


Save me from myself.

by JoWrites (JoNogueira)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU - Everybody Lives, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I don't have a beta please be kind, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:13:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21642001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoNogueira/pseuds/JoWrites
Summary: The Winter Soldier carries on with his mission and leaves a little girl behind without her parents.The little girl grew up and spent all her life chasing the ghost she saw many years back... in her parents' bedroom... with their souls in his hand.When the two finally meet again, what will they do? How will they behave?Will she avenge her parents and bring peace to her mind? Or will he show her nothing is set on stone as she always thought?There will be a part 2 when The Falcon and The Winter Soldier gets released.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 60
Kudos: 60





	1. A birthday present.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your time and patience.  
> Just letting you know that English isn't my native language so I apologize in advance for the mistakes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little girl can't stop smiling around her house. It's her birthday and there are a lot of presents for her to open.  
> A man rides his motorcycle in the chilling storm. His mission is to gather intel no matter the cost.

Lighting crossed the starry dark sky illuminating the kitchen where she had snuck to taste the purple frosting on her birthday cake.

Her parents were still getting ready in their bedroom upstairs while she shook her presents, trying to figure out in which of the boxes her new doll was, but little did she know her father had it with him to give her personally.

* * *

The sound of the motorcycle roared as loud as the thunder when he turned the corner of the wet street where fancy houses sat waiting for their wealthy owners to finish the day and lay on their beds for their restful and peaceful sleep.

The thick droplets of water fell on his dark hair and ran down his cold skin, making his vision even blurrier under the black mask. His destination was just a few meters ahead, and he could see the silhouettes of his targets on the second-floor window.

* * *

Giggling, she started walking to her private bathroom to take a quick shower before the guests arrived.

Upon looking at the mirror, she couldn’t stop the smile on her lips when she realized her mouth was smeared with buttercream, and she mentally thanked her mother wasn’t around to see what she had done.

She was turning on the shower when a loud noise coming from her parent’s bedroom stopped her, and she stood still, trying to understand what was happening.

* * *

The couple blocked their bedroom door to prevent the masked man from going further into the house. The rain coming from the broken window wet the black and white carpet, and they could hear his determined footsteps on the broken shards of glass spread around the floor.

Approaching them, the assassin held the man by the neck and threw him into the wall, killing him instantly. His attention turned to the midnight black-haired woman who stood by the door in defiance.

“If you expect me to tell you anything, especially after killing my husband right in front of me, you are more out of your mind than I thought.” She cleaned the silent tear running down her left cheek.

Her arm was pulled by his cold metal hand, and her body was thrown onto the bed. He then proceeded to point the gun to her head.

“Hydra will never have it.” Her fingers curled around the gun barrel but didn’t try to push it away. “Kill me and be gone, puppet.” She prayed for him to finish his business before the noise attracted her daughter.

The gun slowly lowered to her belly, and the bullet pierced her right side. The noise of the thunder barely muffled her scream.

Holding her by the hips, he dug his thumb into the wound and felt her squirming in pain. He pointed the barrel to her knee and shot again.

* * *

One loud noise made her stop dead in her tracks. The girl covered her ears with her small shaking fingers when she heard the second one, followed by her mother’s gruesome shriek.

“Mom!” Her voice was heavy and full of fear.

* * *

Both looked at the door when they heard someone running in their direction and a little girl's voice calling out.

The woman saw the doorknob rattle, and the dresser that was pushed against the door begin to be slowly dragged away.

“I love you, little one!” Holding his hand, the woman pointed the gun to her head and pulled the trigger.

* * *

The girl opened the door and saw a man standing in front of her mother with a gun pointed to her head. She noticed smoke was coming out of it and that he was staring down at her mother’s body.

“Mom?” Her shaky voice tried to get the woman’s attention.

The man turned to her and looked at her from head to toes and up again. His face was completely covered, and his long dark hair brushed the front of his mask. She watched him put the gun away and turn his back to her, heading to the broken window.

“No!” She shouted when her brain was finally capable of understanding what had happened. Her eyes had surveyed the place and noticed her father’s lifeless body on the floor with blood coming out of his lips.

She ran in the man's direction and started punching and kicking his legs with all her might.

* * *

With the mission failed after the woman killed herself, there was nothing else for him to do in that place. He started to leave but was stopped when he felt the girl start to punch him with her small feeble hands.

He turned and held her hand over her head. Her dark eyes were red, and tears flowed down her rosy cheeks. He didn’t have time for that, so he threw her on the bed where she landed beside who he guessed was her mother.

The girl wasn’t part of the mission, and there had already been enough killing.

* * *

Through her blurry eyes, she watched the man jump from the window, and she ran towards it just in time to see him landing on her lawn without any trace of pain. He marched to the gates, and she noticed the red star on his left metal arm shine when another lightning crossed the sky, illuminating the dark street. The thunder that followed it roared in her bones, and she once again covered her ears, but it was so loud and sudden that she curled on the floor.

Crawling to her parents’ bed, she cuddled to her mother’s body and cried until she fell asleep.


	2. The end of a search.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months of traveling, she comes home to find the one who haunts her dreams.

The mission was a failure, and the target had escaped, but at least she had managed to acquire useful information.

Traveling through Europe after Angelo Ricci for five months and have him disappear in thin air made her tired beyond her normal state of exhaustion. The man was able to lose her on a crowded street after exploding a car.

Her thoughts lingered on that day even though she was currently sitting on the back of the quinjet with her sore legs, well, pretty much the rest of her body ached too, she rested on one of the metal seats and sighed. The coldness of the object seeping through the fabric of her uniform led her to curse under her breath when they landed, and her thoughts were forced back to the present.

Stretching, she unbuckled and headed to the gym. It was a Monday, and Mondays were special training days under the surveillance of Steve, and she was sure the man could make even Hulk break a sweat if he really wanted to. She let out a soft groan with the thought.

Since she had been recruited, or rather, presented herself at the compound offering her services, she answered to Steve and Steve only.

Of course, initially, they had refused her like they had to do with countless civilians who dream of being part of the big team. Still, she showed them that her infiltration and computer skills were far superior to an average person. Kicking Sam’s ass during her presentation had nothing to do with it, obviously.

They had run an extensive background check, and upon finding nothing out of the ordinary or dangerous, she was allowed to begin her training with the team. She was drilled and tested, then tested and drilled again until Steve deemed her okay to help as a last case backup.

Months had passed until she was finally allowed to go on a first base mission, and since then, Steve gave her some infiltration jobs. Her language skills and the ability to read body language were her preferred methods of action.

Entering the elevator, she checked her wounded eye; the swelling and bruising were almost gone, but it was still sensitive to the touch, and she tapped it lightly as a reminder not to be so stupid next time. The ding of the elevator caught her attention, and she watched as the doors opened, and the sounds of cheers and claps reached her ears. She reached down and grabbed the black duffel bag throwing it behind her shoulder.

“ _That’s odd.”_ She bit the corner of her thumb’s nail.

Merry laughter was in the air, and the familiar sounds of fighting made a smile tug the corner of her lips. Steve was beating someone’s ass.

Stepping inside the gym after opening the door with a huge grin on her face, her body immediately tensed; her muscles were ready for whatever came. She dropped the duffel bag on the floor, and it hit some kettlebells that lay scattered near the door.

The sound caught Steve’s attention, and already taking the hand wrap off, he walked in her direction with a joyful smile, only to have it wiped from his face when he saw her fight or flight stance. His hands raised in a defensive position, and he frowned in confusion.

It all happened in a blur.

The distance between them wasn’t big but still big enough for her to do everything she had dreamed of doing since she was a child. Her knee bend; her foot pushed the floor; she drew the small blade she always carried with her from the belt around her thigh while taking the necessary speed to attack him.

With surprised eyes, Steve saw her flick her wrist and the blade fly in his opponent’s direction. He had seconds to push the man away, and when he adjusted himself to look at her, it was too late. She was on top of his friend.

She tried to sweep him off of his feet, but he was quick, as quick as Steve, and without losing her momentum, her fist punched his stomach connecting with the hard surface.

* * *

Wherever that woman had come from, she meant business. He tried to take a step back, but she punched his stomach, and he had to sidestep. He dodged the small blade she swept to his neck and held her arm.

* * *

“ _Shit._ ” She mentally cursed him when he held her arm, but she took the opportunity to armlock him in place, obligating him to roll on his back. She felt his metal arm shift and tightened the grip.

* * *

The woman had a switchblade on her boot, and he took it, attacking her on her thigh, only to have someone stop his motion mid arc.

* * *

“Lillian!” Steve shouted. “What’s wrong with you?” He helped his friend to stand up and placed himself between them.

Lillian was shocked when she noticed the way he helped the other man. She swatted the hand Sam raised to help her up to her feet and wasn’t able to stop the angry tears from flowing down her red cheeks.

“What the heck, Steve? Do you know him?” She tried to step to his side and get closer.

“The question here is, do _you_ know him?” He placed his hand on her stomach, pushing her away.

“If I know him?” She laughed aloud; angry laughter, bitter laughter. “I spent my whole life searching for him, researching about him. The man that comes and goes leaving a trail of blood in his wake. A ghost no one is willing to talk about.” She pushed Steve’s hand away from her. “I would never forget that red star. Forget the man who murdered my parents.” 

The room was in utter silence.

Steve glanced back at his friend and saw the man lower his eyes to the floor. His long hair hiding his face.

“That’s not…” Steve tried. “I’m sure…” He never finished the sentence.

“November thirtieth,…” Lillian was trembling with rage. “1995…” She cleaned the wet on her cheeks. “Do you remember that night?” She started to pace.

Everyone looked at the man, and he remained in silence.

* * *

He looked at her and recognized those midnight black eyes. He stared at her in silence, and all he could see was a muzzled man staring back at him.

She approached him, and he couldn’t stop looking at the painful tears running down her cheeks, and when she raised her trembling hands to slap him, he allowed it. He deserved more than that, after all.

* * *

The sound her hand made when it touched his face reverberated in the place, and her palm and fingers started to tingle.

“Answer me!” Her throat hurt when the words spilled out of her mouth like a thunder.

A small nod, so tiny no one would have noticed if they weren’t looking for it; that was all he did. It was all she needed.

She held him by his jaw, and her nails dug into his cheeks. She tried to step closer to look into his eyes, but an arm gripped her by the waist, pulling her away from him.

“That’s enough, Lillian.” Steve’s voice was near her ear. “We have much to discuss, so if you please, follow me…” He let her down near the others.

“Is he part of the team?” Lillian played with a small blade, spinning it around her fingers.

Steve, who had walked to his friend, placed a hand on his shoulder and spoke with a tired voice.

“It’s complicated, Lilly.”

“No. It’s fairly simple. Yes or No?” Natasha blocked her way when she tried to walk towards the men and stared at her.

“Bucky is my friend and-”

“I don’t give a fuck to who he is!” Clint flinched, not expecting the loudness in her voice.

Steve turned to her with firmness in his eyes. His back was straight, and his jaw tight.

“Lillian-” He stopped when a hand touched his arm. Turning his gaze to its owner, he lowered his head for a moment and continued softer. “Bucky is my friend…” He was shocked by her reaction.

Her laughter was so loud that even Bucky frowned. She threw her head back, and he noticed her long hair bouncing on her back. She held her stomach and had trouble breathing.

“Lillian!” Steve called.

She stopped laughing so suddenly that the silence in the room was deafening.

“Never knew you kept that kind of honorable company, Cap.” Sarcasm dripped from her lips. When he tried to reply, she continued. “If he stays, I’m gone.” She nipped her lower lip.

Steve sighed, rolling his head.

“I see.” She fought back the tears. “I’ll make it simple for everyone then.” The wristband that gave her access to the Avengers compound was ripped with all her anger, and she threw it onto his chest. “My mission was a failure, and all the info is in the duffel bag.” She walked to the door.

Natasha tried to stop her, but with only a glance, both knew that it wasn’t happening.

Steve twirled the object in his hand, his eyes darting from Bucky to the others; his lips sealed in weariness. His shoulders sagged, and his chin touched his chest.

* * *

Lillian pushed the elevator button much harder than she needed and cursed under her breath when it took more than a second to open its doors.

The ride to the entrance seemed to take forever, and as soon as the doors opened, and she saw Tony’s face, she wanted to drop dead then and there.

“Hey, you!” Tony started in his curious voice. “Is everything alright?” He asked concerned when she brushed his shoulder on her way out.

“Goodbye, Mr. Stark.” She left him confused after her farewell.

Her body shook in ire; her breath was ragged, and her steps were heavy. She strode the lobby without looking at anyone, and when she finally reached the sliding doors, she allowed herself to cry. The little girl’s tear flowed down her red cheeks all over again.

“Hm… What happened?” Tony caught everyone’s attention when he entered the gym. “I just saw Lillian, and she didn’t seem okay.” He pointed back at the elevator with his sunglasses. When no one answered, he nodded and placed his sunglasses in his pocket. “It was Barnes, wasn’t it?” He looked at the man who had his back to him, and his eyes narrowed.

“It’s not that simple.” Steve looked as tired as he felt.

“It is simple, Steve.” For the first time, Bucky spoke, and the group looked at him. With his back to them, he maintained his eyes on the fountain at the side of the compound. The hand in his pocket lifted to his metal shoulder, and his fingers absent-minded traced the red star.

“She's just angry. When she calms down, I’ll talk to her.” Clint organized his arrows.

“Ahhhhh…” Tony shoved his hands in his jeans. “She just strode out of the place, and it didn’t seem she was calming down any moment.” After a small pause and scratching his eyebrow, he continued. “It doesn’t seem she is coming back at all.”

* * *

Lillian turned her motorcycle on, but after thinking better, she turned it off and walked away from the parking lot, and asked one of the other employees who were leaving for a ride.

She left everything behind; her clothes, her motorcycle, her life. With her, she carried only a promise.

“I will kill you even if it’s the last thing I do.” She whispered to the window.


	3. Champagne and broken bones.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months looking for the correct man, Lillian finally got what she wanted, and with that came unwanted people.

Her fingers brushed the wine silk of her long dress. The transparent, bubbly liquid in her flute touched her red lips, but not her tongue. The single long earring caressed her left shoulder when she turned to watch the cellist who played a beautiful sad song for the captivated audience.

Lilly threw her hair back to its place and walked to the restroom to retouch her lipstick, at least that’s what she wanted everyone to think, when in truth she was going to adjust the switchblade on her inner thigh, and check if the equipment she had installed were still working.

Leaving the restroom, she turned right and discreetly headed to the balcony, her target was about to arrive, and she needed some air to focus her mind.

For six months, she had been chasing the information the woman was going to give her, wanting or not.

* * *

It was the fifth time he adjusted his tie and collar in the last thirty minutes. He hated those clothes, how tight everything was, and how vulnerable he felt. His metal arm was impossibly constrained, and he was afraid the fabric was going to tear at any given minute.

The super soldier dragged him to that mission, saying it was something simple; fast. He had also said it would be good for him to go out a little, see how everything had changed. He hated his clothes, but he hated himself even more at that moment for letting Steve convince him.

His fingers curled on the glass, and he finished his drink in one swig. How he wished he could get drunk again.

Not being able to be around those people anymore, he headed to the fire escape and closed the door behind him. He thanked the gods for the minute of silence.

* * *

The woman, whose name she had repeated so many times, was talking to an older gentleman near the violinists. She looked at the instruments, and a feeling of longing filled her heart; her fingers touched invisible strings and played a long-forgotten song.

Her eyes fell on a young couple that reminded her of her parents, and for a second her resolve faltered, but when she lifted her head and her eyes met the woman’s, her hands balled and she felt her nails digging into her skin.

“Arisanna.” She dipped her head in respect and waited for the woman to address her.

Arisanna looked her up and down, and Lilly could see judgment in her eyes. Whatever it was that she saw resulted in her approval because she decided to grant Lilly a second of her time.

“How may I help you, child?”

“My name is Bian. I believe Logan has spoken of me.” She prayed the old thief was true to his word.

“Ah, yes. The little girl who is between a rock and a hard place.” Not understanding what the woman meant, Lillian raised her eyebrow. “Do you believe in the occult?” She asked curiously and continued after she shook her head. “Well, I do. What do you think the most dangerous thing about it is?”

Lilly wanted to roll her eyes but reminded herself she needed the information and calmed down, entertaining the old lady.

“I honestly don’t know, but please tell me.” She showed Arisanna her winning smile.

“When you see what lurks in the shadows, they see you in return.” The old lady narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure you want to be seen by them?”

The warning in the woman’s words echoed in her mind, and after a few seconds of pondering, she gave the old lady a short nod.

With sadness in her action, Arisanna used her chin to point to a far corner. A tall man with skin as white as snow and hair touched by the sun talked to a woman who could only be his complete opposite.

The man had his hair short; even from this side of the room, Lillian could see his ice-blue eyes gleaming with intelligence. His black suit was impeccably clean and straight; she dared say there weren’t wrinkles on his clothes nor his skin. On his long thin fingers, a single silver ring displayed his true colors; red, black, and white.

The woman, on the other hand, let her long black hair loose on her back. The yellow dress she dressed was provocative and elegant, her powerful dark brown legs could be seen through the double slits of its skirt. The diamonds on her jewelry alone could buy Lillian’s house and more.

With a shuddering breath, Lillian walked towards the pair. Excitement sent goosebumps all over her skin, and she could feel the chase nearing its end.

* * *

Through his earpiece, Bucky got Steve’s confirmation. Their target was in the party, but he had been stopped from advancing and needed him to keep his eyes and ears open.

Making sure his clothes were okay, and that damned tie was in place, he opened the door and entered the party with a deep breath. The musicians played something that he guessed was Beethoven. The cellos, violins, and piano resonated around the room, and the vibrations from the instruments were felt in his bones.

His eyes scanned the area and landed on a beautiful lady who was talking to a man he guessed was German. Her nimble fingers brushed an invisible speck of dust from the man’s spotless suit, and her lips displayed him an inviting smile, one that the man’s eyes showed growing interest.

Bucky walked in their direction. His hand grabbed a flute from the tray of one of the waiters, but the glass never reached his lips and was soon lost on one of the nearby tables. The closer he got to the woman, the more the noise around him became low in his ears.

The piano notes grounded him to that moment, and each new violin chord was a step forward. The smell in the air intoxicated his senses, and his eyes stared at the couple.

A meter from them, his fingertips caressed the soft skin of a woman's bare back, and her soft long black hair curled around his rough fingers. Her scent reached his nostrils, and he paused for a moment, completely forgetting his target as the woman in question turned to him and their eyes met for the first time since the beginning of that endless night.

The depth and darkness in her tempting eyes made Bucky remember things he desperately wished he could undo, but besides the shadows, which threatened to drown him, he could also see everything she had suffered, everything he had taken from her.

* * *

Lillian let out a soft gasp when cold fingers touched her skin, sending a shiver down her spine. Her first reaction was to turn with a strained smile to whoever dared interrupt her, but as soon as she saw the reason for her distraction, her lips stopped midway their curve up and her face turned into a scowl.

* * *

They stared at each other for what seemed forever. No words were spoken through their mouths, but judgment was passed through their narrowed eyelashes.

* * *

His hand rested on her waist. The fabric of her dress was smooth under his fingertips, and he unconsciously curled his hand on the small of her back, bringing her closer to him when one of the guests walked behind her heading somewhere he didn’t care.

Her midnight black hair was loose on her back, and he could feel it on the back of his hand, the mint scent coming from it filled his lungs and he stopped the urge of bringing a lock to his nose and breath its smell in. The red lips taunted him, dared him to feel how soft they were, how delicious they could be. He got drunk from the wine color of her dress, and the pale skin of her shoulders demanded to be touched; to be kissed and worship.

When his eyes met hers again in the next second, his mind ended his reveries.

* * *

His hair was cut a bit shorter since the last time she had seen him. His beard was trimmed and taken care of, leaving his lips beautifully framed. It was the first time she had paid them some attention. The first time they met, he had his face covered; the second she had more important things on her mind than those full and tempting lips hiding perfect white teeth behind them.

With his chest so close to her, she could feel the warmth and power irradiating from him. His suit fit him perfectly, and she stopped herself from running her fingers on his lapel and adjusting his tie. Cursing herself, she pressed her hands to her sides to prevent them from caressing his shoulder and tangling his hair around her fingers.

His warm palm pulled against her skin, bringing her body closer to his. He was taller than her, and she had to lift her chin to look at his mesmerizing blue eyes that stared at hers; that saw her secrets and fears; that saw her soul.

“How dare you touch me?” Lillian had to muster every bit of restraint not to shout and punch him.

“I didn’t know it was you.” Bucky released her from his grasp. “I apologize.” Giving her a short nod, he continued on his way. His hand mourned the loss of contact.

A few steps later, his wrist was caught in a firm grip by soft fingers.

“What are you doing here?” She asked him in a whisper. Crossing her arms over her chest, she prevented him from going further.

“I cannot give you the information you are looking for, Lillian.” He saw the way she closed her eyes and wrinkled her nose when he used her name. “I am here with Steve. You can go and ask him, in the meantime, there’s something I have to do.”

She interrupted his path again, her hand on his chest and an accusatory tone on her words.

“Who are you murdering this time? What’s the name of the child who is becoming an orphan tonight?” He felt her hold his tie.

Curling his fingers around hers, he gave her hand a light squeeze and made sure to look into her eyes.

“I’m not the monster you think I am,…” Bucky closed his eyes, and his next words came out in an unsteady breath and low whisper, “not that monster at least…” He let his words float in the air and rolled his head with a deep breath.

The Winter Soldier could fool Steve but not her, not after everything he had done.

“I am not a defenseless child anymore. I will not let you harm anyone else. I will show everyone what your true colors are; I’ll show them all where your loyalty lies.” Lillian made sure to grab his tie and bring him closer.

“Good,” Bucky straightened his back and took her hand from his clothes once again, “it is a favor you’ll do us both.” He left her there speechless.

Approaching the pair, Bucky realized that he had no clue of what to say or what to do. He knew he had to get the information from the woman, and it would be such an easy thing to do if only it were some years back, but after being the Winter Soldier for so long, he had to admit he didn’t know where to start. He was grateful for Lillian’s interruption for the first time.

“Good evening, lady.” Lilly gave the woman a warm smile and a nod. “Gentleman.” To the man, her smile was bigger. Her eyes were more mischievous. “I’m sorry for interrupting, but I need a word with you.” she turned her body to the man and opened her arm, silently asking him to follow her. “Arisanna’s spoken wonders about you.” As soon as he heard the old woman’s name the man followed behind her.

Bucky could only watch as they disappeared among the crowd. The woman behind him cleared her throat, and as if waking from a dream, he turned to her.

“The name is Vanessa. It is a pleasure to meet you!” She studied Bucky from his head to his toes, and by the sly smile on her face, he knew she liked what she saw. “And you would be?”

“Good evening!” He tried to give her a warm smile, but all he managed was a short nod. Over her shoulder, Bucky saw Steve approaching and he let out a long breath.

“Evening, ma’am!” Steve saw the woman raise her left eyebrow at him.

“Mister Captain America,” Vanessa picked a speck of imaginary dirt off her nail and gave him a side glance, “what can I do for you?” She took the last sip of her glass and caught the attention of one of the waiters who were waiting nearby.

“If you follow us. There are some things we’d like to ask you.”

“Such as?”

Steve dropped his smile, and his Captain America stance took place.

“There is a new gang spreading its territory, and we happen to know you have information that would lead us to the leader.” Bucky took a step closer to them.

“Well,…” Vanessa tucked her hair behind her ear, “whoever gave you that information must be desperate to tarnish my reputation.” She turned to Bucky and ran a finger over his shoulder. “Still, what would you have offered me if I possessed such delicate knowledge” Without taking her eyes, which were filled with lust from Bucky, she asked Steve.

“For starters, we would overlook the fact that you were seen with members of said gang,” she snapped her head to him, “and then we would give you some time to think about what you really want for your future.” His smile was big and showed all his teeth.

For a moment, the woman narrowed her eyes at him and bit her lower lip. Steve and Bucky looked at each other; none of them wanted an open confrontation.

“Fine!” Vanessa huffed. “But my name will never be mentioned after this.” He gave the men a pointed look.

Steve, Vanessa, and Bucky walked to an empty spare room where Steve activated his blocking device to have a quiet and secret conversation.

With the information collected and warnings made, they left the building heading to the HQ. Bucky finally took his tie off, almost tearing it in two. Crumpling it with his metal hand, he shoved it into his pocket while Steve chuckled by his side.

The noise of struggle coming from the alley caught their attention, and they cautiously made their way there.

About to turn the corner, Steve had to take a step back when a man was thrown on the sidewalk in front of him.

His hair was disheveled, and his clothes torn and dirt. Bucky noticed his right shoe was missing, and how he cradled his right fingers on his left hand, there was also blood trickling down his eyebrow. Inspecting the man with more attention, he immediately recognized him.

“Thank you for the handkerchief, Mr. Schneider.” Bucky’s eyes fell on the woman who was cleaning her hands on the piece of fabric. “I’ll have you know that the intel you gave me will be used wisely.” Her sly grin reached her eyes when she threw the object onto his face. 

Lillian finally noticed their presence, and with a nod of her head, the man scurried away almost falling in the process.

“Steve.” She acknowledged his presence while walking away from them.

“Is everything alright, Lilly?” He fell into step beside her, and when she ignored his question, he stopped her progress, putting his body in front of hers. “Lilly?” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Peachy!” She tried to sidestep him, but her attempt to walk away was once again stopped.

“That’s all you have to say after more than six months?” Steve placed his hands in his pocket and tilted his head. “Who was that man? What did you want from him?”

Sighing and fixing her clothes, she avoided looking at him.

“I’m so sorry, Steve, but I cannot tell you right now.” She eyed Bucky who caught up with them and stopped a few steps away. “I see you’re keeping him close.” This time she was the one who crossed her arms.

“If you hadn’t fled-”

“Fled?” She laughed. “I didn’t flee, Steve. I left.” She gathered her hair and made a messy bun over her head. “You expected me to be near him?” She pointed at Bucky without looking at him. “With the murderer of my parents?”

She waited for Steve’s reply, but he clenched his jaw and she was done waiting. Walking to Bucky, she poked his chest.

“Why? What information was more valuable than their lives?” Tears pooled on her eyelashes. “Say something!” She punched his chest and shoulders.

Seeing that she wasn’t going to stop and that Bucky wasn’t going to defend himself, Steve pulled her away from his friend.

“Lilly, please!” He stood in between them and held her by the elbow.

“Of course, you’ll defend him!” She took a deep breath and cleaned the hot tears that ran down her cheeks. “Stop looking for me, Cap.” When he raised an eyebrow, she continued. “I know you’ve been looking for me. Just stop.” She pushed his hand away. “One last thing before I go, Steve. Watch your back, they are closer than you think. And you Winter Soldier,” Bucky lifted his head to take a good look at her, “I’ll see you around.” With that, she walked away.

There was a loud thunder that rattled their bones, and thick drops of water soon cooled their skin and started to drench their clothes.

The men saw her wave a cab, and when she entered the car, Bucky felt a shiver ran down his spine, and his metal arm shifted, waiting for something he didn’t know what. But what he did know was that she was set on proving him guilty, no matter how many times he said that himself.

If what he saw in the man’s hand was what he thought. If the object around his little finger was the reason for her warning… he knew she was on the right track, and that he had to keep his guard up.

* * *

Not far from the trio and leaning on a smelly garbage container, Schneider gingerly placed his cellphone back into his pocket.

Holding his broken fingers and clenching his jaw, he snapped the bones back into place. After a few moments of deep and irregular breathing, the man walked away from the dirty alley.

Twirling his ring around his little finger, the man spoke with pride in his voice.

“Hail Hydra!” A smile tugged the side of his lips.


	4. Night out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room is hot, and he is restless, so Bucky decides to go out for a ride.

Longing for the simple old days, Bucky got on his bike and drove off to Brooklyn. The evening had started with stifling heat, and the droplets of sweat on his skin soaked his clothes and mattress. Unable to lie awake, listening to his deep breathing for another minute, he threw the thin sheets that covered his body on the floor and left the facility. 

He cruised the empty streets and relished the feeling of freedom on his face. He observed the stores and places on both sides of the streets and recalled the places he had visited with Steve back when things were uncomplicated, easier even.

Memories of times when he and his friend fought against what would later be his personal devil flooded his mind, and he fought the rage building up inside him. Instead of focusing on the pain, he decided to focus on something lighter, funnier.

After he was rescued and fully recovered, he started working alonside Steve, and he would never forget the first time he saw the man in his uniform, just the memory of that day brought a smile to his face.

A bolt of sudden lightning crossed the sky, and he felt goosebumps all over his body, the smell of rain reached his nose and soon after droplets of cold water touched his skin. His clothes and hair stuck to his body, and the hot temperature he was trying to escape quickly became chilly.

Distracted by the ghosts of the past, he turned left and soon neared a bar that reminded him of the Whip & Fiddle, and he asked himself if the inside would be as British as the old one.

Rusted door greeted him when he parked the motorcycle in front of the place. Metal fingers opened the door, and he noticed the inside was, much to his amusement, similar to the old pub.

Seventeen customers sat around the place, spread among the wooden tables and the tall stools. Men and women laughed freely, and in a corner of the place, he saw a young couple making out.

The boy’s hand rested on her nape, and some of her dark hair hid his fingers. The scene immediately, and against his will, reminded him of dark hair entwined on his fingers and the smell of cheap beer and fried food gave way to a mint scent that overwhelmed his senses.

Sitting at the bar, he caught the bartender’s attention and ordered a whiskey. He placed the money near the glass and asked the man what time the bar closed.

“Daybreak,” he answered, already turning his back.

Bucky leaned both elbows on the table and rested his head on his fingers. He kept his eyes down at the dark swirling drink, and his mind started to race.

First, he remembered his life at school and how things were good. Then war and how many lives he had saved; taken. His capture soon came to mind, and he could feel the cold of the table on his back and hear his own screams in that godforsaken place.

Furnace; the place suddenly started to feel like hell. His stomach flipped, and his hands fell from his temples to curl at the table's edge, leaving indentations on the hard surface. His hair obscured his face, and the dark strands hid the torment in the sea of his eyes.

Breathing slowly and deeply, he drank the whiskey in one go and ordered another one, that he downed just like the previous one. The warm sensation left behind led his thoughts to a different place, but equally distressing. He spun on the stool and watched the other customers.

The warmth from the liquid reminded him of the warmth from a little girl’s hand. Her black eyes filled with tears pierced his blue ones as poisoned daggers. His hand held her fingers over her head, preventing her from punching him, and with no time to waste, he got rid of that nuisance, like someone who swatted a fly.

Nine, maybe ten were all the years she had. That night he saw innocence get corrupted; he saw happiness become hatred. All that hate had a target, and it was him.

In every feeble punch, in every powerful tear, he knew he would never forget her. She would, and she did, become one more devil to whisper in his ear, to remind him of the true monster he would always be.

Benign intentions were all Steve had when he asked Bucky to move into the Avengers Facility, even after explaining to the super-soldier that he wasn’t the old man from the ‘40s any longer. A lot had happened, and he still had more than a few issues to address before he could say he was remotely on the right path to a full recovery. After a long discussion, both men agreed it would be best for Bucky to spend as much time as he saw fit in Wakanda.

Homecoming, if he could call it like that, was the two of them going to a bar and reminiscing the time Steve was nothing more than a boy getting beaten in dirty alleys.

One of those memories was when they went on a double date, and Steve’s girl was very unimpressed with his sickly frame. The girl wouldn’t leave her friend alone, and Steve wasn’t helping his situation at all by being distracted by the army presence in the expo. So much so, that after Stark’s flying car fiasco, Bucky found his friend once again trying to enlist. Without much choice, he returned to the girls and had a blast of a time.

A car passed by on the street, turning the corner at high speed and crashing onto a trash can. Bucky let out a low soft chuckle thinking that maybe if Stark’s car had worked, that little accident and so many others wouldn’t happen.

Still, going to that expo had its good side, he did indeed had a fantastic night. If he could recall it correctly, his date was a sweet little doll; a beautiful brunette. She had brown eyes and wavy brown hair. Bucky tried to remember the smell of her hair, but the only thing he got was mint, and she didn’t smell like mint at all.

Turning around to the bar again, he noticed a lonely woman with a glass of wine in her hand, sitting a few stools away from him.

The sight of the red liquid made his fingers tingle. He mourned the loss of skin contact. How could she cause him so many conflicted emotions? He wanted to be as far away from Lilly as he could be; he also wanted to stay near, to protect her.

The thought that she needed protection made him laugh. Not a usual laugh, but one that made people turn their heads to look at him made his body shake.

That woman knew how to defend herself. She was an Avenger, wasn’t she?

Not anymore. Not because of him.

Freight car, no, cars. They were like runaway freight cars filled with explosives directed to each other.

All the unspoken promises she had made him that night came to surface that day at the gym. At first, he didn’t know who that crazy woman was or why she was attacking him, but as soon as he sensed all the hate, and he saw her eyes, he knew. He knew that one of the many ghosts from his past had finally caught up with him.

Rubbing his eyes with his thumbs and tucking his hair behind his ears, he ordered his last glass of whiskey, which he cradled between his fingers.

Placing the money on the counter and leaving a generous tip for the bartender, he headed to the door. On his way out, he noticed a man wearing a black suit sitting alone in a dark corner. The shadows obscured his face, but when a car passed by and the lights from its headlights lit the place, Bucky could see ice-blue eyes staring at him behind round glasses.

His foot slowed down, and his body started to turn to take a good look at the man when he heard the bartender call.

“Barnes? Is there a Mr. Barnes around?” He waited for a few seconds. “A woman is on the phone for Mr. Barnes.” Bucky saw the man look around the place with the mouthpiece in his hand.

Against his better judgment, Bucky decided to answer. No one was supposed to know he was there, and the team had his number, his curiosity sure was piqued.

As soon as the object touched his ear, he heard a sweet soft voice.

“I know you wish things could be back to what they were, but sitting there longing for them won’t make your life any easier, all you are doing is getting your skills rusted. There will come a day when you will feel oppressed, and you, my friend, will regret wasting time. When everything you have, everything you know will be burned away when they throw everything into a human-sized furnace.” Bucky’s grip on the mouthpiece tightened.

“When it all becomes ash, you’ll sit there waiting for a daybreak that will never come. You will be in darkness forever; the darkness that resides inside of you will engulf you and eat you up until there is nothing of you left.” A cold shiver made its slow way down his spine.

“Rogers, Dum Dum Dugan, Gabe Jones, Jim Morita, James Montgomery Falsworth, Jacques Dernier, Stark, Romanoff, Banner, Thor, Barton, Maximoff, Vision, Rhodes, Wilson, Parker and let’s not forget Black. Seventeen, that is the number of people you will hurt… you have hurt some of them already, haven’t you?” He closed his eyes and lowered his head.

“It doesn’t matter if you want to play the hero, if you only have benign intentions, you will fail, and when that day comes, there will only be blood in your wake.” His metal arm shifted, and he could hear the little cogs whirring.

“One, nine, nine, five. Do these numbers ring any bell? What about three and zero? Let me make it clearer for you. November thirtieth, nineteen ninety-five. A stormy night, dead parents, birthday little girl.” His chest raised and fell, struggling to breathe. He leaned on the wall. His mouth opened and then closed because he had lost his words.

“Did you really expect to get a warm homecoming when you got to the facility? Did you kid yourself thinking that they would accept you? Maybe pretend you are not who you are?” He clenched his jaw, trying and failing to focus his mind.

“That is it, and you know it! One more chance, the last chance you have to prove them all wrong, to prove me wrong… but are we?” His mind focused, trying to get a grip on what was happening.

“The man you were, the man you so desperately want to be again died in that…” His eyes scanned the place. They looked for something, something he didn’t know what, until they fell on those ice-blue eyes that stared at him again.

“James…” His name was said in a low broken voice. His heart was torn.

“Lillian?” He scanned the place again with a frown on his face.

“Please,…” there was a sob on the other side of the line, and Bucky straightened his spine. He could feel the adrenaline running through his veins, “listen carefully.”

There was a long pause, and then the voice returned. This time the honey in the words gave way to a bloodied tone.

“Longing, rusted, furnace…”

“No.” He tried to let the phone go, but his metal fingers weren’t working, his body wasn’t moving.

“Daybreak, seventeen, benign…”

“Stop!” He struggled to say.

“Nine, homecoming, one…”

“Please!” He whispered meekly.

“Freight car.”

There was a pause on both sides.

“Soldier?”

James Buchanan Barnes was gone, on his place, the Winter Soldier answered.

“Ready to comply.”

“Kill them all.” There was a click and then silence.

“Barnes?” A woman’s voice reached his ears, and he turned around to look at her face. “Are you alright?”

Her long hair and black eyes were somewhat familiar to him. The midnight bangs that framed her graceful face rested between her eyebrow and eyelashes.

The delicate pendant that adorned her neck broke when his metal fingers grabbed her by the neck and threw her over the counter. The noise her body made when it broke the bottles and glasses on the bar scared the others, and some of them dared to run.

His foot found its away to a man’s chest, sending him flying to the other side of the bar where he landed with a peaceful look on his face, a trickle of blood ran down his chin.

The broken bottle he had a few seconds ago in his hand was stuck on the side of a woman’s neck, and blood flowed down to her blouse, dyeing the yellow fabric in red.

Strands of red hair were wrapped around his flesh fingers, and his metal hand held half of a broken pool cue. The Winter soldier raised the wooden object and was ready to stick it into his victim’s stomach when a bottle was broken on his head.

His body shook with hatred for the person who dared to interrupt him, so he twisted his arm, making the metal plates shift in place.

The woman was back from behind the counter and punched his side, hitting his rib and sending a dull ache to his chest. She was fast and pressed on with low and high kicks, but he was tough and met them with an open stance.

Trying to change her strategy, he watched as she pulled a switchblade from her boot and charged at him.

The Winter Soldier sidestepped her and grabbed her by the neck. He lifted her from the ground, and her feet dangled freely in the air. She held his hand with hers and tried to make him let go, but he was stronger, so she tried punching and kicking him.

“I knew you were lying,” she said while punching his arm. “You will never be more than the assassin everybody knows you are.” The more she struggled, the more he squeezed.

A small object caught his attention, and he raised his flesh hand to take it. A small white flower, not bigger than a coin rested on his palm, and the Winter Soldier mind suddenly went blank.

As if his metal fingers had a will of their own, they continued to squeeze, until her arms and feet swayed freely.

When finally, his mind understood what was happening, it was too late. The sound her neck made when it snapped was enough to wake him.

“Lillian…” He woke up startled.

His body was covered in cold sweat, and he held his stump. His nails dug his skin, desperate to stop the phantom metal arm from hurting anyone else.

Trying to regain control of his breathing, he sat on the edge of his bed. The sheet that covered his body slid down his skin until it pooled silently on the floor. He held the mattress and touched his chin on his chest.

With trembling breathing, he stood up and headed to the shower, but not before giving the metal arm, that rested waiting on a glass case beside his bed, an apprehensive look.


	5. Fingers on the triggers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Avengers get together to enjoy their free time, a person that Steve had been keeping his eye on finally decides to make a move.  
> When the team goes to find out what is happening, things don't go according to plan, and a lot gets out of hand.
> 
> Everything Lillian wanted is handed to her, but she gets torn with the new information.

“What’s on your mind, Bucky?” Steve side-eyed his friend.

Three weeks had passed since that damned dream, and he still couldn’t let it go. Had it been a warning to stay away from her or something more ominous than that? Was she in need of assistance? And even if, and that was a big if, would she accept his help?

It had been what? Eight? Maybe nine months, and she was still nowhere to be found. The last day they had seen her, she was after information on Hydra, and hell, she did manage to have a little talk to someone from the inside.

Scratching the back of his neck, he let his mind continue the line of thought, but not before sighing loudly while giving Steve a small side smile.

That man… was he really a Hydra agent? The color of his ring indicated so, but colors are just colors.

He shouldn’t have let him walk away like that. He should have dragged him back to the facility and let his fists do the talking.

No.

He wasn’t like that anymore.

He looked around and saw the Avengers spread around the room. It was Tuesday, and Tuesdays meant the team had to gather and do something together. Captain’s orders.

The team.

 _His_ team.

Standing from the couch, he went to the kitchen; his throat was suddenly too dry. The water bottle was cold, at least that’s what he imagined.

The drops of water that ran down the plastic reached his metal fingers and then dropped on the floor. By instinct, he dried his hand on his black t-shirt and walked back to the living room. Plopping himself on the couch again, he opened the bottle and drank all of it in one go.

As usual, Natasha and Clint joked around while Tony and Bruce discussed things he, not even in a million years, was going to understand.

Looking to his left side, he saw Steve talking to Thor, and the god laughed freely about something he didn’t know.

He was surrounded but was still alone in the place.

His fingers ran over his hair, and his mind wandered again. To the same place as always. An infinite circle of thoughts.

“Hmmm… guys,” Tony stood up and walked to the center of the place, “and by ‘guys’ I mean Steve.” He gave the super-soldier a pointed look. “I just got an alert on someone you’ve been looking for.”

Bucky was the one to stand up first; he knew it was about her. Steve had told him he never stopped looking and that he even put an alert in the system so they would know where she was the minute she surfaced again. His legs took him to his room, where he gathered his things.

“…and that is why this is suspicious.” Natasha was pacing the room.

“As much as I agree with you, this is too good of an opportunity to let go.” Steve leaned on the couch. “We’ve been after her for a long time. Is it odd that she decided to show up now? Maybe. I mean, there is nothing particularly special going on, but if she decided to show up two days from now, it would still be suspicious.”

“I find it odd that she surfaced at all.” Clint scratched his chin. “I mean, it’s been so long, and she’s been keeping under the radar… she is not one to do that kind of slip up.”

“Maybe it’s a message. Maybe she is in trouble and is trying to contact us.” Bruce sat on a chair and looked at everybody.

The room was in silence until Steve registered Bucky’s presence.

“What are you doing?” He neared his friend.

“I know you are going no matter what, and so am I.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Tony looked around. “You’re probably the last person she wants to see.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “And why the sudden interest?”

“It’s not sudden. She left because of me, so if she is in trouble, it’s not more than my obligation to help her.”

“So noble of you. I’m sure she will be delighted by that.” When everyone glared at him, he turned away after saying. “What?”

Thirty minutes later and they were heading to the address she had been seen.

The place was a nightclub, and the line in front of it turned the corner. Natasha was the first to speak.

“Alright… things are getting weirder by the minute.” The woman finished inspecting her gun. “Why the hell would she be in a place like this? Any thoughts?”

“Maybe she just wanted to dance the night away. Blow up some steam?” Bruce massaged his own hands while looking at the crowd of people.

“Or maybe there is something she wants from this place. Probably someone, given she was at that party we went.” Steve eyed the building.

“She knows we would come. I bet she counted on it. I don’t know why for exactly, but this is the kind of place I would choose to ambush us.” Bucky finished checking his ammo. “You see the crowd? She knows Banner is not coming in… too many people for Hulk.” He adjusted his gun on the inside of his jacket. “The buildings are too close to each other. Good escape route if she needs to flee. You can jump from one roof to the other.” He traced the air with his finger. “Steve and Stark are known faces. The minute they leave the car and people see them, they will make a ruckus alerting her of our presence.”

“What about me?” Thor’s voice was loud through the earpiece. “Do you think she expects me?”

Bucky eyed Natasha and Clint, and after several seconds he voiced his opinion again.

“As I said, she is waiting for all of us to come. I don’t know what plans she has for you three, but if it were me, I would count on you summoning Mjolnir or even frying everyone with your godly abilities, the place is a confined room after all.” When the other man didn’t say anything, he suspected he was thinking about his words. “Barton,…” he opened the car door, “the minute you try to use your bow inside the place, people will panic.” He jumped out of the car and slung the gun on his back. “That only leaves Romanoff and me. No one knows who we are, and we are not suspicious-" 

“There is no way you two are going in there alone.” Steve jumped out of the car and grabbed his friend’s shoulder.

“I know that.” Bucky rolled his shoulders. “We need a distraction.”

* * *

Lillian smiled at the people around her. The beers in her hands so cold her skin burned.

She walked with her head high, the red on her lips a beckon attracting men and women alike. Her dress was so tight it was difficult to walk without it going any further up; the fishnet stocking that rose from her high heels allowed her to feel every little touch, every little squeeze someone would give her now and then.

Giving the men their order, she turned to go back to her station, but an arm circled her waist and pulled her flush to a hard chest.

Her hand flew to his hair, and her fingers scratched his scalp. When his lips touched the naked skin of her neck, she intertwined her fingers with his on her stomach and pulled his head closer.

The music pumped loud, and the beat controlled their movement. The man bit her earlobe, and after throwing her hair over her shoulder, he licked his way up her nape.

Lillian laughed freely and turned around to meet his lips with hers. The kiss was all tongues and teeth, and when she parted to leave, the man whined on her lips.

After she rounded the bar, her coworker pulled her aside.

“He wants to see you now. In his office…” The man looked into her eyes. “He didn’t sound pleased at all.”

Nodding at him, she made her way to the second floor.

The stairs were full of people in various degrees of… everything. A man opened a bottle of their top-shelf liquor and poured on the people below. A couple of people prepared a line of coke to use without caring who could see them. An older gentleman had his hand inside the blouse of a girl who, in her opinion, couldn’t be more than sixteen or seventeen. Shaking her head and averting their gaze, she continued on her way.

The door’s knob was as cold as the shiver that ran down her spine, and she prepared her mind for whatever was to come before stepping inside the room.

Closing the door behind her, she could hear her boss talking to someone behind the wooden screen. The sound of the music outside muffled inside the room.

“I don’t want this man in my club more than I want you here. If we can solve this pacifically, I would appreciate it immensely,” the high pitch in her boss's voice was not a good sign, “and that is why I have the very best thing your friend needs to relax…” She took a few steps inside his field of view, and she saw his face light up in a toothy smile. “Ah! Here she is. Come here, little bunny.” He motioned for her to come with his gold ring fingers.

She still couldn’t see with whom he was speaking, but with her winning smile, she sauntered to him and sat down on his lap.

“You called?” She whispered close to his lips. One hand around his neck and the other on his chest. After he wet his lips and nodded at her, she traced his face with her finger. “You seem tense.” Her finger stopped at his lips. “Is there a way I could help you?” She lifted her eyebrow and licked her own lips.

The man tore his gaze from her mouth and cleared his throat.

“I have a task for you, little bunny.” He rested his hand on her thigh. “My friend here is in desperate need of some… relaxation.”

Curiosity was burning her inside, and she almost huffed when he finally allowed her to look at them.

Her head turned slowly, and a smile spread on her face when she saw that her plan had worked.

Sitting in front of her were Steve Rogers and The Winter Soldier. She almost chuckled when Steve blushed and averted his gaze, but when her eyes fell on Barnes’s, she saw hatred inside them.

“And which of you need my…” Lillian deliberately stood up slowly, making sure to caress her thighs in the process, and letting her long hair fall on the front of her dress. “services.” She walked and stood in front of them, leaning on the table with one hand on her waist and biting her lip.

“That won’t be necessary.” Steve managed to say, although he wished he could cover Lillian with his clothes, and take her away from there. Not before punching the man with all his might.

“That, little bunny, would be the one with a metal arm.” Her boss lit up a cigar.

“Is that so?”

She walked towards him without taking her eyes off his. With a small bow, she bent in front of him and trailed her fingers from his knees to the buttons on his jacket. Seeing that the man didn’t move a muscle, she proceeded to straddle him and brought her lips to his ears.

“Hello, Winter Soldier.” She caught his earlobe between her teeth and played with it. “You have finally arrived.” Her words were soft and barely audible.

Lillian leaned back on his lap and started to open his top button when he grabbed her wrist and leaned forward, touching his chest on hers.

“I said I was fine.” His tone was full of rage when he addressed her boss, but still, his grasp on her wrist was soft as a flower’s petals. “You are wasting our time.” He pushed her off his lap and stood up. “Maybe we should look for the man ourselves.”

“Don’t like what you see?” Her boss chuckled. “I do have other employees if you want. All shapes and sizes.” He let out a puff of smoke and looked at Bucky up and down.

In the meanwhile, Lillian side-eyed Steve, who was standing up as well and doing his best to avoid looking at her.

“If that’s all, I will return to the bar. Junior wants to,…” she walked to the table and leaned on it, pulling her boss’s tie in her direction, “have a private conversation with me. As a VIP client, I don’t think it’s wise to keep him waiting.” She turned to give the super soldiers one last look.

“You are absolutely right as always, little bunny. Make sure he leaves happy. As for you two, I believe we still have a few things to discuss.”

She headed to the door, but as soon as she approached Bucky, he grabbed her elbow.

They looked at each other, and she felt the need to punch him but buried it deep down, not to blow her cover.

Bucky, on the other hand, wanted to hurt that man so much that he didn’t even know what he was doing. Nor why he grabbed her like that.

“Changed your mind?” Her boss's words barely registered behind his amused chuckle. “Have in mind that if you break it, you’ll pay for it… got it?”

Bucky grasp tightened before he released her, and still, they couldn’t stop looking at each other for a few more seconds.

When she opened the door, the electronic music reached her ears, and she flinched with the abrupt change in volume.

Going down the stairs, she turned right, heading to one of the back rooms where the VIPs watched the people dancing and losing themselves. She had spent months planning on how to infiltrate the damned place. How to reach that disgusting man. It was all worth it in the end; all she ever wanted was just moments away.

“He is here. Everything is going as I said it would.” She closed the door behind her and took the heels off. Sitting on the chaise, she ate some of the snacks on the table.

“Do you know why I like to come here, Lillian?” The man’s voice was deep and low. The neutrality in it sent shivers down her spine.

He looked back over his shoulders and, with a gesture, asked her to get closer; his hands were still in his pockets and his eyes on the large window.

Although she preferred to bite her fingers away, and then stab herself to death, she needed him, no, she needed what he was going to give her. She stood up and stopped by his side, a good space between them.

“I have no clue, but it doesn’t matter. You are going to tell me, no matter what.” She sighed and cleaned her dress.

A loud gasp escaped her mouth when he shoved her head against the glass. The pain she felt when her forehead hit it was only bearable because it was all about to be over. Had to.

“I can be and do whatever the fuck I want. Here, I am a god.” He pushed her head further, and she had to plant her hands on the glass; otherwise, she was sure he would break her nose. “You don’t want to upset a god, do you?”

She let out a low no thought her trembling lips.

“Tell me again, Lillian.” The man pulled her to him and pressed her back against his chest. His hand traveled over her body until his fingers stopped on her lips. “Why?”

“Because they betrayed me when I needed them the most.”

His lips touched her ear, and he whispered on her helix.

“How?” He pressed her body flush against the glass, and she could feel every muscle of his.

“Steve, who I thought was my friend, someone I could trust with anything,…” the bitterness in her voice was surprising even for her, “chose him over me.” Her eyes started to prickle. “Nat, no, Natasha. She is just what she is, a spy working for all the sides. She has no friends but herself.”

“Go on.” His hand slid to her thigh, and he pressed her hips against him.

“Clint is just a jerk. Telling me stories about his personal life. Making me care.”

“Oh! Did he?” He kissed her nape. “Did he tell you about his wife?” He chuckled when she tensed. “About his kids?” He bit her lower lip, and when she refused to look at him, he pressed her head against the glass again. “We will see where your loyalties are.”

He shoved her to the side, and she fell on the floor, hitting her head on the hard surface in the process.

“The information you want is on the table near the door.” He went back to his spot near the window. “Now leave.”

Lillian didn’t need to be told twice. In a swift motion, she got up and walked out of the place silently.

Her hands shook, and she clutched the folder close to her chest. Her breathing was ragged, and she couldn’t stop herself from bumping into people until she got to her car.

It took three tries to open the door, and when she was finally inside it, there was a distinct bitter taste in her mouth.

The folder sat on her lap, and she kept her hands on the wheel, her knuckles white around the leather.

Wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue, she caressed the black cover and let her finger linger at the bottom of the paper.

She had waited years for that information. Done so many things for it.

Lillian’s life had taken so many turns that the truth was just a blur in her eyes. For so long, she wanted to avenge her parents’ death. For so long, a red star had been burned into her mind; plagued her every minute.

The last few months she had to do so many things that disgusted herself. Be around people who she never thought she would even speak to.

Her body was touched, licked and kissed. Her mind was abused to degrees she didn’t know if she would recover someday.

How many nights had she spent awake crying? Bathing and scrubbing her body until it almost bled. How many people did she have to seduce to get where she was? Men and women alike. She had only one rule though… no sex or any kind of sexual favors would be had. There were always other methods.

How many people she had to beat? To leave unconscious in dirty alleys? To almost kill?

Unable to open the single object that would bring her peace, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back. The silent tears that rolled down her cheeks and soaked her dress were the opposite of the sound that escaped her mouth. Her laughter was loud, sweet, and childish, filling her chest with hope.

After minutes she was able to compose herself and cleaned her face with the back of her hands, drying them on the fabric around her waist.

Opening the folder, she spent the next minutes skimming the pages, stopping here and there to go through the most important details.

After her examination was done, she reached under her seat and took her SIG-Sauer P220. The new information in those simple papers was far more alarming than she had ever dared to dream.

The time for hesitation was over; she had someone to kill. The one responsible for her parents’ death, her sleepless nights, was just a few meters away; inside a building that she was going to burn down to the ground if she needed.

Her steps were heavy, and she could feel every little muscle and nerve on her body flair with anger. The music that blasted from the place when she opened the door was no more than white noise in the background of her focused mind.

Lillian walked past people, not caring if they were in front of her; with a shove or a pointed look, they cleared the way. When a man tried to pull her to dance, she simply punched his face, breaking his nose in the process, and the pain that rose from her bloodied hand sent adrenaline through her veins.

She was almost at the stairs; her fingers touched the cold iron of the handrail when she noticed something out of the corner of her eye.

Clint sat at the bar with a glass in his hands. He cradled his drink like it was nothing, his attention somewhere else.

Following his eyes, she noticed Tony going up one of the tables. She could see him trying and succeeding to get everyone’s attention. When everyone was looking at him, he hacked the place’s sound system, and his voice boomed all over the area.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” His smile was big and inviting. “The party is over.” And with that, he shot the ceiling and people started to run.

“No!” Was the only word that came out of her mouth.

Gripping the handrail with all her rage, and despite people pushing her on their way to the exit, she climbed the first steps.

“There she is.” Tony’s voice got her attention. “Hello, Lilly!” He greeted her when she looked at him. “And there you are!” He looked up to the end of the stairs.

Her eyes fell on ocean blue ones that stared at her with the same intensity. The gun in her hand had been trembling all this time, and when she noticed that, she made sure it was ready.

For a few seconds, no one moved. They watched each other as hawks watch their prey, but who among them was the hunter?

Tony had his hand up in the air, no doubt just waiting to shoot something or someone at any given moment. Bucky stared down at her, and she knew he had a gun concealed somewhere close to his reach. Steve was nowhere to be found, just like her Hydra contact.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw movement in the shadows. Without command, her hand raised, and she shot.

* * *

Bucky had separated from Steve after they were done with the nightclub owner. After a bit of persuasion, the man revealed, to his surprise, that a Hydra agent was present in the place.

They had planned to enter the building under the pretense that there was a dangerous individual inside. Steve and Bucky were to talk to the owner until Barton and Tony located Lillian so they could get her and get the hell out of that horrible nightmare.

After his confession, Steve decided that it was time to look for Lillian before she did something she would forever regret and so they split up and went looking for her.

Through his earpiece, Steve told the rest of the team what was happening, and Tony put their distraction plan into motion while they searched the place.

As soon as they left the owner’s office and Bucky turned to go down the stairs, he came face to face with Lillian.

She had a gun in her trembling hand; her eyes were red and puffy, and he was sure she had been crying. If that bastard had hurt her, he wasn’t going to back down. He would show him exactly what happens to the people who dare to touch the ones he cared about.

Cared about…

Everything that had happened to her was because of him. His hand was the one with her parent’s blood. Lillian was a mistake he had to rectify; she was one of his few chances of absolution.

Lost in thought, he saw her aim and shoot.

* * *

“No!”The Winter soldier was _her_ unfinished business.

The bullet reached the wall, and she saw both men hiding.

She climbed the steps two at a time and stopped at the top when a gun touched her temples.

“I don’t want to shoot you, Black.” Bucky’s voice was firm. “Put the gun down.”

“You missed?” Tony’s voice came from the other side, where he hovered near them. “I never saw you missing before…” He looked at her up and down. “Huh.”

“We are not here to hurt you, Lilly.” Steve stepped out of the shadows. “Just let us help you before you do something you’ll regret.” He stopped before her.

“Shooting at the Cap?” Tony’s eyebrow shot up. “And here I thought there was at least respect left.” He landed behind her. Barton was nowhere she could see.

Lillian was surrounded, but she wasn’t going to make it easy for them. Someone had to die that night.

“Step aside, and no one who doesn’t deserve will die, okay?” She still had her finger on the trigger.

“You know very well I can’t let you do it, Lilly.” Steve sighed. “I know you think I’m lying, but you are both my frien-” He stopped speaking when she laughed. “I would rather the four of us got out of here together and unharmed.”

A pair of glasses appeared somewhere behind Steve’s head, and the eyes behind them narrowed in her direction. Their owner’s steps slow but sure on their way to the four.

“I’m so sorry, Steve.” She gave the super-soldier a furrowed look and shot the floor.

In the meantime, the agent stuck a needle in Steve’s neck, and everything happened too fast after that.

Bucky tried to help Steve while Lillian avoided Tony’s attack that destroyed the wall in front of her. The agent shoved Steve’s collapsing body in Bucky’s direction, who struggle between holding his friend’s body and shooting the enemy. In his hesitation to grab Captain, the other man threw a syringe in Lillian’s direction, and she took advantage of Bucky’s distraction to stick the needle in his thigh, and soon after, he too was falling on the ground.

When Lillian turned her head to look back at Tony, the agent and he had fallen down the stairs, and after a few moments, she saw Tony’s body shaking on the ground. His suit malfunctioning due to something the Hydra lackey had done.

“Very well, Lillian Black.” He adjusted his clothes and slowly made his way up the stairs. “Our business here is done.” He gave her a sly smile. “It was a pleasure working with you.”

Her mind worked at full speed. She couldn’t let him leave, not when her revenge was so close.

“Don’t you dare think we are over. I’m coming with you.” She placed her hands on her hips. “This one is mine. I told you that already.” She kicked Bucky on the stomach, and he slumped to the side groaning.

“Very well.” He turned his back to her.

“Quickly. The other’s will be here soon.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she heard Hulk’s howl.

“Don’t worry,” he approached her, “my friends will keep them busy until we leave this place.”

She opened her mouth to say something when a group of men wearing Hydra uniform neared them and started taking the trio somewhere she didn’t know.

They shoved the unconscious men in the back of the car while she watched with her heart in her mouth.

“Soon.” She said in a whisper to herself before sitting on the backseat and heading to the place her wishes would be fulfilled.


	6. Truths and Decisions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lillian has all the information on The Winter Soldier that she wanted. She also has him chained and trapped... defenseless.  
> The clock is ticking, and a decision has to be made.

As soon as she entered the car, someone blindfolded her with a piece of fabric, and she chuckled.

“Is that really necessary?” She rested her hands on her crossed knees. “I just handed you Captain America and The Iron Man, not to mention your little pet project, which, to be honest, you will only have after I break him.” She pointed to herself and smiled.

“True, but as they say, better safe than sorry, no?” The lackey addressed her.

With a low huff, she leaned back and let her mind go back to the black folder that rested on the passenger seat of her car.

The document had given her more information than she had asked for. There were names and dates, all the targets The Winter Soldier had killed. Her parents’ names were included, of course.

The reasons behind the killing were, as expected, redacted so the information was just for the ones who were worth it. That was the explanation he had given her anyway.

When they first met, he had introduced himself as Mr. Collins, and that was it. The meeting was strictly business, and he had wasted no time telling her right after their introduction that he had the information she wanted, but he wanted her to hand him the Avengers in a silver plate, or at least as many of them as she could.

Lillian knew, of course, he would ask for that, and she had already come up with a plan. She would lure them to a place where things wouldn’t get out of hand. Although she would do anything for the information, and she had indeed done a lot of things for it, hurting the Avengers was out of question. Had they hurt her? Absolutely! The hatred she felt every time she thought about them was evidence enough of that, but she wouldn’t, no, couldn’t hurt innocent people. Let alone people she had shared meals with and had somehow become her family.

Chastising herself for letting her thoughts wander to the team, she focused her mind again.

Bucky Barnes had killed many more people than she had previously imagined, and she shivered with that thought. He was not alone in those actions though, Hydra was behind it, and she never believed they were the good guys. She decided to turn a blind eye until she had done what she had to, after that, who knew? She would have plenty of time to go after new objectives. They were the ones who ordered the death of her parents…

Bucky would… _Bucky_? What was she thinking? The Winter Soldier was going to tell her everything she wanted to know. Why he had killed her parents, and what was Hydra after.

With a deep breath, she changed the focus of her thoughts.

It was true she had gone with them voluntarily, and it had been on a whim, but Lillian was aware they weren’t going to simply let her go. She knew too much.

Did she prove she was not one of them? Did she manage to convince them she had nothing to do with the Avengers? It was hard to know. All she could do now was wait and improvise.

The car stopped, and the sound of metal touching the ground reached her ears. Her blindfold was taken away abruptly, and her eyes struggled to adjust to the bright light of the place.

They were inside a forgotten building, she could see vines and cracks on the walls. The light flickered for a moment, but nobody seemed fazed by it.

“Interesting place you have here.” She raised her finger to her lips and turned around to give a good look at the place. “Very…” No words reached her mouth, and she just shrugged when Mr. Collins glanced at her.

They went up the stairs and crossed the single wooden door that creaked when it opened. Lillian gasped as soon as she crossed the threshold.

The place was a big warehouse. There were machinery and computers everywhere, it was brightly lit, and on the left side, she could see stairs with marble steps leading to an office that was protected behind thick glass from top to bottom.

They walked past all of that, heading to a small door she hadn’t noticed, where she was told to wait. Alone in the room, she observed the place.

It was spacious. The walls were white, there were no windows nor decorations around the room. Just that simple metal door. Creepy, to say the least.

On the right, there was a table which she checked and regretted immediately. Three folders laid inoffensively on it. Cap’s, Tony’s, and The Winter Soldier’s.

Inside them, there were all kinds of information. Personal, professional, and the one that scared her the most… medical. There was detailed information on their physiology. With a flick of her hand, she closed it and turned her back to it.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she leaned on the table and started biting her thumb’s nail.

The emptiness of the place was starting to make her skin crawl. When she was about to leave the room, she heard the whirring of machines, and the floor began to move.

With a yelp, she sat on the table and watched as the floor began to sink. Five levels down it went, forming five large steps in front of her. In the center, a round hole appeared, and something inside it began to stir. Curiosity began to wake and not able to shut it; she found herself walking towards that unknown.

Lillian was a few steps from it when she heard the door open, and Mr. Collins stared at her from there.

“I wouldn’t go near that if I were you,” he said in a calm tone. “Unless you want a first-hand experience.” He gave her a devilish grin.

There was barely enough time to open her mouth when she had to shut it again. Tony, Steve, and The Winter Soldier were being dragged inside the room.

She lifted her chin when Bucky looked at her and walked up the steps to lean on the table again. Her heart was pounding on her chest, and her mouth was suddenly dry… her body began to heat up with the prospect of the end.

The Avengers were forced on their knees and had their hands and feet tied up. A band around their necks kept them chained to the ground, and the metal chain kept them from keeping their backs straight.

Observing them carefully, Lillian noticed cuts and bruises on their faces. Bucky’s arm seemed painfully out of place, but his face remained stoic, and his eyes never left hers.

Their mouths were gagged, which didn’t stop Tony from trying to speak, and a trickle of blood ran down Steve’s cheek until a drop reached his jacket staining it in red.

She swallowed the last saliva she had in her mouth and ran her finger over her long hair, sighing in the process.

“You forced my hand, Cap.” She averted his gaze. “This is all on you. If only… if only you had listened to me.” She raised her voice, and her tone was harsh.

When he looked at her, and she saw disappointment in his eyes, she exploded.

“Fuck you, Mr. I’m perfect!” She advanced towards him and felt arms circle her waist.

Mr. Collins shook his head and gave her a disapproving look.

“He is _ours_ ,” he said with a glint in his eyes.

Huffing, she took his hands off her.

“Fuck you too!” She flipped him the middle finger, and he laughed.

“Such class.”

“I want answers, and I want it now! What you do to them is none of my business.” Her back was to them. She didn’t want to look at her former friends.

* * *

To say Steve was disappointed was an understatement.

He had thought her one of his closest friends. They had shared secrets and memories. They had cleaned each other’s tears.

He knew her pain ran deep, but he didn’t know how much they hurt.

Glancing to the left at his friend, he couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Guilty for allowing them to lay their hands on Bucky again. Guilty because he should have looked for his friend instead of mourning for him. Guilty because all his suffering could have been prevented if he had just been a second faster, been a better friend.

When he looked back at Lilly, he felt even more guilty because his action had hurt them both.

* * *

Tony sighed and closed his eyes. He was wrong about her.

Once she was a colleague and then a friend. There were times he even saw her as a daughter, and there she stood.

Her smart mind and keen eyes looked down at him now. Her sharp tongue spoke against him.

Such a waste of his time.

“ _Potts…”_ He sighed again.

* * *

Bucky was surprisingly calm. He knew they would eventually find him again. There was no way Hydra would give up their asset and science project. He was too valuable to let go.

The shackles and chains that kept him still and squeezed his wrist were no different than the shackles and chains that kept his mind a slave.

The pain emanating from his shoulder was nothing compared to what was to come, and he failed to stop the shiver running down his spine. But it was her eyes that grounded him to that moment.

He had murdered her parents and condemned her to a cold life. In the darkness that stared back at him, he saw hatred, bitterness, and desolation.

There was only one thing that would calm her troubled heart, and he wished she could finally find the peace she desperately sought when he was gone.

* * *

“You may stay while we interrogate them if you so wish, Ms. Black. Interruptions will not be accepted, and a harsh punishment will have to be brought upon you as well.” Mr. Collins eyed her from her head to her toes, and she felt goosebumps start to spread through her skin.

“How many times will I have to say that you will do no such thing with that dog until I finally get everything that I want?” She walked to him and pulled him by his pink tie. “You can clean the scraps from the floor and put it together; after all, Hydra is used to dealing with….” Her hair hid her face when she turned to look at Bucky, and instead of finishing her sentence, she tilted her head and examined his hunched figure.

Narrowing her eyes at Bucky, Lillian walked in his direction but was stopped by Mr. Collins fingers curling around her wrist.

“Don’t you dare try to stop me, or I will kill you.” She didn’t turn to look at him, and when he laughed and let go of her wrist, she resumed her stride.

“Mr. Winter Soldier…” Her tone was serene and peaceful. “I will hurt and break you until you spill all I want to hear, and then I’ll make you beg for death, and oh how I wish to see you die.” She was close to him and grabbed his hair, obligating him to lift his head to look into her eyes. “How many nights have I dreamed of seeing the light in your eyes fading away; to see the last time your chest rises and falls; to feel the last beat of your heart” Lillian narrowed the space between them until her lips were close to his and then whispered in his ear. “But death is just mercy for you.” She slowly pulled his head back to look into his eyes again. “I will give you to Hydra and let them do whatever they please with you.” She smiled when his eyes widened.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Steve struggle against his chains and heard his muffled plea. With a glance at her former friend, she allowed Bucky to lower his head again.

“Take his gag off. I will start my questioning now.” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for the man to do as she told.

“What information you wanted from my parents?”

He remained silent.

“What information you wanted from my parents?” She stepped close to him.

Bucky kept looking into her eyes. His lips sealed in dreadful silence.

Her patience was thinning, and she wanted it to be over soon so she could leave all of that behind and then… then maybe she would be forgiven. That’s what she hoped, but she knew it would be difficult to happen.

Her hand closed around his shoulder, and her fingers squeezed the wound until she heard him grunt.

“What…” Her nails dug his skin. “did you want?”

* * *

It hurt. It hurt a lot, but he wouldn’t give her what she wanted.

He was going to give her what she _needed_.

“They tried…” He started through gritted teeth. “They tried to shield...” It was her eyes that widened now. “Your mother killed herself, so I would leave you alone.”

Lillian’s hand withdrew from his body. Her body shook, and he saw tears threatening to run down her beautiful face.

His cheek stung where she had slapped him, her nails marked his skin, and he hissed. She cradled her fingers and stared down at him.

“You’re lying!” She shouted at full lungs. “She would never… She wouldn’t…” The tears that fought to stay in place ran down her delicate skin like a waterfall. The thick drops falling on her dress. “No…” Her voice was low and reminded him of the little girl he had once met… destroyed.

“They loved you and wanted to protect you.”

“Shut up.”

“Their first thought was your safety…”

“Shut up!” He saw her cover her ears.

“Your father dragged the dresser to the door, so you wouldn’t come in.”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Lillian covered her ears with her hands and walked away from him. “Just shut the fuck up.”

She grabbed his jaw and dug her nails into his skin until it broke, and she saw blood on his face.

“It was you! You were there to kill them. You blocked the door, so they couldn’t flee from you.”

“No, Black.” Her eyes narrowed in anger. “I’m sorry, but it was them.”

His head was thrown to the side, and the chains shook, the noise from it clashing with the one coming from the hole in the ground.

“You’re right, I killed them. But they chose to protect you that evening…”

* * *

No more.

Lillian wouldn’t listen to another word that left his mouth. In a second, she grabbed the gun from the guard on her left and pointed it to his head.

“You can do whatever you want with me, Black, but it won’t change the fact that they did what they could so you would be able to live.”

He dared to continue speaking. He killed them. He trapped them. He… he was the one… They didn’t…

Her hand was shaking, and the gun trembled left and right. Her vision couldn’t focus with all those damned tears, and she yelled.

“No!” Her tone was desperate. “I didn’t kill them.”

“What?” Bucky was alarmed. “No! That’s not what I mean, I-”

“You killed them, yes, but it was because of me they gave up fighting. They never gave up fighting.” she sobbed. “They taught me to be a fighter to never give up.”

“Listen to me, Black.” Bucky tried to stand up but was stopped by the chain linking his head to the ground. “They didn’t give up. They fought for you!”

“Enough!” Lilly felt sick and so tired.

“If I may Ms. Black.” Collins's voice was clear, and his tone too excited for the mood in the place. “I know exactly what will help you achieve what you want.”

“Go ahead.” She nodded at him.

Placing his hand inside his pocket, he took a small device from it and pressed a button. The second he touched it, his face lit with a wolfish grin, and the sound of machinery filled the place.

“Is that…?” Instead of finishing the sentence, Lillian looked at the Hydra agent. “Does it work?”

“Even better than before.” Collins’s gaze fell on Bucky, and his already huge grin grew bigger.

* * *

Bucky noticed how her eyes widened with curiosity and the way her feet seemed to move without being commanded, whatever it was she was seeing fascinated her to no end.

And the way that man kept looking at him… it couldn’t be…

His head snapped back, and a quiet no escaped his mouth.

* * *

The night had been so long, and she could feel her energies being drained away. There were still things to be done, though; someone she had to kill.

She only needed to know one more thing.

Stopping right beside Bucky, she let her eyes meet his.

“Turn it on,” as soon as the words left her mouth, she saw Bucky’s eyes turn desperate, “and give me that red book.” Giving him a last glance, she turned her back and walked to Collins.

“Don’t do this.” Bucky’s voice reached her ears, but her mind was focused on the book. “Please…” The sound of his struggle against the metal chains was joined by Steve’s and Tony’s.

Her fingers curled on the red cover, and she could feel power and desperation oozing from it.

“No…” Bucky’s voice was rough. “No!’" He screamed.

Lillian’s fingers caressed the book, and her skin vibrated. The end of her sorrows was near, she could feel the climax building up.

“Don’t. Kill me, just kill me.” His words finally registered in her head, and she turned her body to give him a good look.

He fought with all his might. He trembled, and she could see the sweat start to run down his face. His eyes were wild, and he gripped the metal around his neck with his flesh hand.

“Just kill me.” He was looking into her eyes while she walked in his direction. “Kill me!” he screamed again, and she saw spit flying from his mouth.

“His arm?” She tilted her head while asking. “I want it.” She opened the book and searched for the right page.

Steve and Tony fought their chains too, but their battle was a lost battle. She could hear their muffled screams and paid them no mind, pushing their attempts away.

* * *

Bucky tried and tried. He pleaded, and he feared.

“I’ll do whatever you want, Black.” He panted, still struggling to get free. “Torture me if you want, I promise I won’t resist, but not this… just not this…” His voice trailed away. His tone deflated.

His eyes closed, and he gave the shackle one last push before falling to the ground.

* * *

Lillian was standing right in front of him. She noticed the desperation in his words, saw his hopes being crushed.

“Look at me, Soldier!” She ordered, and he obeyed. “I will make you hurt your friends, so then you will always remember.”

His eyes were open, and she could see his soul. It was small…. As small as she had been the night he killed her parents.

She couldn’t stop the smile that spread on her face.

The climax was almost there.

Raising an eyebrow to him, she walked back to Collins and demanded to have his metal arm. When he refused, she punched him and held him against the hard wood of the table. She squeezed his neck until he had trouble breathing.

“You will not stop me from doing this, Mr. Collins.”

“Kill me, and you die too.”

“Just give me the fucking arm.” She breathed onto his face and pushed his head against the surface. After he nodded, she let him go.

“You there.” She pointed to the guard next to Tony. “Take his gag off. I want to have a word with him.” The man looked at Collins, and she yelled at him. “Now!” He hurried to do what she had asked.

As soon as his gag was away, Tony started to speak non-stop, and she placed her hand over his mouth.

“Shut up and pay attention.” He nodded.” I will finish my business with The Winter Soldier over there, and then I will come and rip this thing off your chest.” She poked him, and when he opened his mouth, she grabbed his wrist behind his back and twisted it. “I will let the gag off because with every word you say, it will be one more minute of torture on you, get it?” He nodded again, and she walked away.

Heading to the machine, she let her fingers trail the cold chair. It was such a simple thing. If it weren’t for all the cables connected to it, she wouldn’t even notice it.

Lillian turned to Collins and asked if it would take too long to have the arm brought to her, and when he shook his head, she sat on the device crossing her legs.

A minute or two later, a man entered the place carrying a case, and she stood up to take it.

She opened it, and his metal arm rested inside. It laid still waiting to be brought to life.

With the book in her left hand, she grabbed the arm with her right fingers and walked to Bucky.

“Black,…” she saw him raising his head to look at her, “you have no idea of what you’re doing.” The man who sat on the ground less than an arm away warned her.

“Longing,…” the activation trigger had begun, and Bucky furiously fought against it. The muscles in his body were tense, “rusted, furnace, daybreak…” Lillian watched as he squirmed and screamed, cursed, and got lost. 

_“Just a little longer”._ Her mind raced, and her heart was about to explode. “Seventeen, benign…”

“ _Just a few more seconds. You got to hold on. You can do it.”_

She took a step forward. The Winter Soldier looking into her eyes, staring at her soul.

“Black…” His voice weak and his figure so small. There was no trace of the murderer who haunted her dreams. Only a broken man.

“Nine,…” she lowered her head to look into his eyes. They were so close. Why wasn’t he attacking her? “homecoming…”

“One,...” she spoke into his lips, and he closed his eyes. His metal arm safely in her hand.

“Lilly,…” a single tear ran down his face, “please!” He begged with fear in his voice.

She gave him a final look and whispered close to his ear. His hot skin near her face and his disheveled hair touching her lips.

“I believe you.” And with that, she dropped his arm in front of him and signaled to Tony with a nod.

Turning around with the gun in her hands, she tried to shoot Mr. Collins. In the meantime, Tony touched his arc reactor, and his armor started to suit up. The guards shot them, and she had to fight them in that, not at all, comfortable dress.

Tony threw her the small key she had pushed into his mouth after she stole it from Collins, so she could free Steve and began to take care of the guards. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Collins leaving the place.

Bucky was finally freed when Tony shot the cuffs, and the first thing he did was to grab his metal arm and destroy the band around his neck.

The place was a ruckus, and emergency lights flicked bathing the room in red and white. Guards swarmed the room, and Tony, Steve, and Bucky took care of them while Lillian headed to the machine. It needed to be destroyed.

She pushed and pulled. Shot and kicked, and soon it was nothing more than debris.

Things weren’t exactly as she had planned. Well, she had had just a few seconds to come up with it, and the fact that everything had worked so far was almost a miracle.

Smiling, she turned to help the trio, and her eyes met ice-blue ones. Bucky walked in her direction. His steps confident and strong, but when she saw horror in his features, a cold shiver ran down her spine.

Time slowed down, and the pain that shot through her body was indescribable. She knew Bucky was running in her direction, but his steps were odd; slow.

The hand she unconsciously placed on her chest was sticky, and when she brought it up to look at it, she didn’t understand why or where those red stains had come from. She gave Bucky one final look, one last smile.

* * *

Bucky’s head was spinning with questions. She had saved them, saved him. But why? The question kept popping up in his mind.

She said she believed him. But what exactly? That he was innocent? That he could be a better man? That he could be _saved_?

His metal arm shifted and he threw the table towards the door from which more men were arriving.

His eyes sought hers, and when he finally found them, his chest was suddenly lighter, his hope higher. Her delicate face was decorated by her beautiful smile, one that she was giving only to him.

He wanted to ask her all those questions, and damned would be whoever dared to interrupt him. He walked to her as fast as he could, there was no one who could stop him now… but that man, Collins was his name, where the hell did he come from?

When he raised a gun towards Lillian, Bucky knew there wasn’t much he could do, he was too far; too slow.

Her hand flew to her chest, and her smile vanished. There was confusion in her eyes, but she still looked _for_ him, smiled _at_ him. He was only able to hold her body, preventing it from crumbling to the ground.

Bucky ran his fingers over her midnight black hair and stained it with blood. Looking at his hand, he noticed it was bloodied… His hands and clothes were smeared with _her_ blood.

He held her closer to his chest and whispered into her hair.

“I will not let you die. Do you hear me?” Bucky waited for an answer that never came.

He moved his eyes to her face again, his heart as small as a coin. There was no smile on her features, and she looked serene, finally at peace.


	7. Beep, beep, and beep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lillian gets visits from people she doesn't remember, and a presence gives her conflicting feelings.

There was an itch on her nose and a beep.

There was a fucking beep.

It went beep, beep, and beep.

 _“Someone, please shut that thing off,…”_ she said.

In truth, all he heard was a groan.

“I see you’ve finally decided to join the party, kiddo.”

That voice. She knew it. From where, though? That was the question.

She tried to scratch the itch. It was a bad move. Her body ached to no end, and she wanted to die. Her chest burned, and she had trouble breathing.

Something was in her mouth, going down all the way inside her body. She could feel it inside her neck. She tried to rip that thing off, but her hand wasn’t obeying her.

And that fucking beep.

It went beep, beep, and beep. Just faster now.

 _“I swear I’ll give a thousand dollars to whoever scratches my nose.”_ She promised.

And again, all he heard was a groan.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help more back there.” His voice was sad. That much she could say. “I’m so sorry, kiddo. Not quite yet.”

Then the beeping was gone.

* * *

Silence.

If she could, she would have sighed. Heavily.

“ _Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?”_ She chuckled to herself. “ _Of course, I can!”_ Another chuckle.

“ _How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?”_ She waited for an answer. “ _Guess no one knows that, huh?”_

“ _What about?”_ She concentrated thinking. “ _Oh! What about this one?”_ Clearing her throat, she continued. “ _How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood”_ She laughed.

“ _One more for the guys in the back!”_ she shouted. _“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!”_ She would probably be rolling out of bed laughing if her body could move right now.

She sighed again. Lighter this time.

And that was when she sensed it.

Someone was there with her.

“ _Hello?”_ Her head would have turned to the presence if her neck obeyed her action. “ _I can sense you there. I can smell you.”_ Fuck; she forgot no one could hear her.

“ _You smell of, uh, of leather and freshness and… and… past and present.”_ In the loss for words, she fell silent for a moment. “ _But above all, you smell of… warmth… safety.”_

The room was silent again.

All she could hear was the beeping in the background.

* * *

Someone was caressing her hand. Making circles on her palm.

“Hang in there.”

Another voice, another memory she couldn’t quite grasp. A woman’s face she couldn’t see in the darkness. Red.

The hand stopped and moved away, but she could still feel the heat lingering from it.

“Hey! Don’t make this face. She’ll pull through.”

His voice. A different man, a painful memory. What was it? Children laughing?

“I know. It’s just… I should be there. I should be there.”

The warm hand returned, but this time on her forehead.

“Me too.”

Then silence once again.

* * *

“Hey, kiddo!” His voice startled her. “You’ve been sleeping long enough. It’s time to come back, don’t you think?”

Her mouth was dry.

“ _Water_.” She swore her lips moved.

“Oh, c’mon!” She noticed the tension in his voice. “You don’t get to rest all this time while I’m here thinking about all the ways you’ll pay me back. I mean… you did save us, but you were also the one who put us in danger. Not to mention how rude you were when you shoved that key into my mouth and almost broke my wrist to open the cuffs.” He chuckled. “Just… Just come back, okay?” She heard his heavy sigh.

She wanted to laugh. She wanted to stand up and hug him, maybe even tease him a bit about having to save his ass. Why though? Why did she want to do that?... Perhaps if she could just open her eyes. Alas, as much as she tried, her eyelids wouldn’t budge. They were so heavy, as heavy as her whole body… Maybe, just maybe, if she took that nap her body was begging her…

“I don’t think she can hear you.” That was a new voice. Confident but shy at the same time.

“Is that your biochemist diploma talking or just your general opinion?” She chuckled, at least she thought so, the irritation in his tone palpable.

“Don’t be like that. I want her back as much as you and…”

“Do you, though?” There was silence. “I don’t see you coming up here much.”

“C’mon. We weren’t that close, it’s true, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her back. She is part of the team. She is family.”

Team? What team? What the hell were they talking about? But most important was their mention of family. Were they related? One of them was her father, maybe.

She suddenly felt her chest heavy. Sadness oppressed her, and she started having trouble breathing and then… oblivion.

“is that a tear on her face?” Someone asked, but she didn’t listen.

* * *

_“Who are you?”_ Words formed on her lips when that smell overran her senses again.

Afraid of spooking the person she tried to be as still as she could, even knowing she couldn’t move at all.

Whoever they were, they took two steps in her direction, but something made them change their mind, and she heard their footsteps fading away in the distance, leaving her with their intoxicating scent.

* * *

“Hey.” The softness in the voice woke her up. “How are you doing?”

The silence in the room was overwhelming, and she heard footsteps slowly approaching. The person sat close to her and started running his fingers over her hair. The gesture comforting her.

“I come to say I’m sorry.” The guilty in the voice made her heart ache. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Lilly,” he sobbed, “I wish I could have dealt with things differently… I knew you were hurting, but I didn’t know how much it was.” His hand caressed her cheek. “I should have been a better friend. I should have been there for you. For both of you.”

His tears were her tears.

“ _Don’t cry, silly man.”_ She tried to move her hand to his face. “ _I’m here, you are here… we are here, and that’s what matters. Things will be different. Let’s just start again, alright?”_ She didn’t know why she thought that way. The affection she felt for him came from deep inside her heart, and she just wanted him to smile again.

“Just wake up already. I’m going to make you train so hard you will feel sore for a whole year.” She groaned because somehow, she knew he would do it, and he chuckled. “I have to go. We will continue when I get back.”

She nodded, and he was gone.

* * *

Her brain noticed the smell before she even woke up.

Why the hell didn’t they speak? Groaned even.

They were close. Much closer this time.

Heat escaped their body and reached her skin. Her body ached and demanded to touch them.

Then out of nowhere, they touched her hand.

It was a gentle caress. Their fingers traced her palm in a ghost brush and ended on her fingertips.

For the first time, they made a sound. A tired sigh, a sad sigh.

And then, just like it all had started, it ended.

They walked away. Again.

She felt empty, hollow.

Her skin was on fire, and her mind troubled.

Two distinct emotions tried to take over.

Hatred. Whoever that person was had hurt her deeply; unforgivably.

Longing. Her heart ached. It screamed and trashed and was confused; afraid.

* * *

There was an itch on her nose and a beep.

There was a fucking beep.

It went beep, beep, and beep.

“ _Oh for…”_ She scratched her nose and felt her body relax.

…

…

…

Without opening her eyes, her body jerked up, and she regretted it immediately.

Everything hurt. It hurt and ached, and noises she didn’t know she could make escaped her mouth.

Rubbing her eyes, she opened them and looked around.

She was in her bedroom. In her former bedroom in the compound. She was in the Avenger’s compound, and how did she get there? Only God knew.

The beeping which woke her up was faster and louder. Her first action was turning it off and then wrapping her hand on the tube on her mouth. She began pulling it out when the door opened with a loud noise, and she saw Tony entering, followed close by Steve.

They had huge smiles on their faces, and she couldn’t hold the chuckle.

“You look terrible,” Steve told her, approaching the bed.

“Thanks.” Well, that was what she tried to say.

“Don’t touch that, a nurse is coming to help you.” Steve pointed to his mouth and then hugged her.

She nodded, sighing.

“You took your time, Sleeping Beauty.” Tony hugged her as well. “Almost two months. I thought you gave up on us.” It was their time to chuckle, but she could see the worry in the lines around his eyes.

The nurse came and helped her out of the machine and took care of her, all the while both men didn’t stop talking.

Once she was free and had a glass of water, she asked them about what had happened only to have them look at each other and give her the details of how they had escaped.

“I see.” Her fingers massaged her temples. “Thanks for not leaving me there.” She got off the bed and headed to her bathroom to change.

“I want to apologize. I never intended to put any of you in danger,” she leaned on the doorframe and stared at them, “but I had to know.” She ran her fingers over her hair.

“What happened, Lillian?” Steve asked, glancing at her from the bed.

“What made you change your mind?” Tony sat in the armchair near the window.

Sighing, she approached the window and watched the birds flying far away in the sky, and the people minding their own business.

“I had some suspicious.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “When I first started investigating Hydra, I was so sure he was with them.” She bit her lower lip. “Then, somewhere on the way, some people I’ve met, they started telling me stories that didn’t really fit, and so I went deeper and deeper.” She chuckled to herself. “I almost lost myself. I did some pretty shady things, I…” She sighed a tired sigh. “And then came Schneider. The man from that party, remember, Steve?” After he nodded, she continued. “He gave some troubling intel, and then I went after the most disgusting man I have ever met.” Her body trembled. “Mr. Collins. You met him at the night club. We made a deal. I’d give him the Avengers, and he’d give me the info on the Winter Soldier.”

She walked to the bed and sat next to Steve.

“I had a plan. A pretty solid plan. But I wasn’t prepared to learn that the Winter Soldier was just a broken man who was supposed to have died. Then they put him through the most horrifying experience in his life, just to torture him over and over again, until he lost sight of who he was, ending in an empty shell, a perfect soldier who they could command to their wishes.”

Tears welled on her lashes.

“There was no way any of us could have known,” Steve said.

“You’re right. It’s just that all that anger, all that hatred. Everything that I had gone through, that I had others go through… it was all for a lie.” She pulled her knees to her chest. “Still, all the pain I felt Is nothing compared to what he has gone through. I can’t even imagine how he can still function. In the end, all I feel is heartbroken.”

There was silence in the room.

“It is funny how feelings can change, just like that.” She laughed loudly. “Now, all I feel is sorrow; sadness. Not just for me but for him as well. So much was stolen from us. Our futures; our lives.” She buried her head in her hands. “So much could have been different for us. We could have been happy and naïve. We could have traveled the world and met fascinating people. Watched amazing movies and laughed freely. Rested our heads on the pillow at night and have incredible dreams. We could have had it all. We could have known what peace is … fallen in love.”

She jumped when Steve caressed her back.

“I know, and I’m sorry.” His words were so low as if they were afraid to upset someone.

Her eyes searched the room and fell on the flowers by her bed, near her.

“Hey! Thanks for the lilies.” Her fingers touched the delicate white petals.

“I didn’t bring those.” Steve stopped his caress on her back.

“Don’t look at me” Tony put his hands up.

“Hmm.” She let her fingers trail down the vase. “Look, guys, as much as I love the visit…”

“You’re right.” Steve stood up. “I’m sure there’s a lot you want to think about.”

“Hey, kiddo.” Tony waited for her to look at him. “if you need anything, and I mean anything…”

“I’ll let you know.” Her eyes stayed on them until the door closed, and she was left alone in the room.

She was in bed for the most part of the day. Her mind revisiting everything that had happened until she went to the bathroom to take a shower.

Changing and going back to her room, her stomach decided to let its emptiness know. Loudly.

Dragging her feet, she headed to the elevator and pressed the button to the kitchen. The door finally opened, and she could hear the ruckus coming from the dining room.

With a smile on her face, she was greeted by the rest of the Avengers, and for the next half hour, she was hugged and pinched and warned and threatened all while they laughed and rejoiced.

With her stomach satisfied, she decided it was time to retire for the night and bid good night to everyone.

Once again, she found herself in front of the elevator door waiting for it to reach her floor. As soon as the doors opened, her nose was assaulted with the smell of leather and freshness. Her heart skipped a beat when Bucky’s face came into her field of view, and her mind came to the realization that he had been the presence in her room. The palm of her hand and her fingers missed the touch of his fingertips, and she unconsciously averted his gaze.

They stayed there for a moment until Steve’s voice broke the silence, and the Captain called for Bucky.

She gave him passage, and, at that moment, dark eyes met blue ones briefly. Entering the elevator, she found herself surrounded by his smell, and her heart ached, much for her confusion.

Walking quickly to her bedroom, she stopped a few steps away when she noticed lilies resting on the floor in front of her door. Her fingers again traced the petals, and a smile tugged the corner of her mouth.


	8. Saving me from myself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the middle of the night, and both Lillian and Bucky have trouble sleeping. They try their best not to let their thoughts linger on things that will eat them away.

The blinding light from her phone lit the entire room. Sighing, she looked at the screen and saw four annoying digits telling her it was 03:43 am.

Letting the phone drop on her chest, she cursed in a low murmur and turned her back from the window. The partially closed curtains allowed the night sky to illuminate the room through the gap in the fabric.

On the wall mirror, she could see the heavy clouds coming closer and closer to the compound.

“It’s going to rain.” She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. “Shit!”

Even with her eyelids closed, the lightning in the sky made its presence known, and with the roaring thunder, her body instinctively flinched.

* * *

Blankets and sheet were thrown on the other side of the room. The mattress hanged on the bottom of the frame, almost touching the hard-cold floor. One of the pillows was inside the bathroom, getting soaked on the shower floor.

The bed was a mess. The bedroom was a mess. He was a mess.

The curtains were drawn entirely, leaving the bedroom pitch-dark. The dripping sound of water from the sink resonating in the room was louder than his shaking breathing. He sat in the darkest corner with one pillow between his legs and pulled on his own hair. He couldn’t stop his body from trembling, from remembering.

Another thunder another drop of blood from his lip.

It was too loud, too much. His hands covered his ears but still were unable to shut their screams, their pleas.

His tears mixed with the blood on the pillow when he shoved his face on it, trying to muffle the scream his heart desperately begged to be let out.

Shaking hands hugged his legs, pulling them closer, trying to make him small. To be so insignificant that they would leave him alone. Maybe then, someone, somewhere would take pity on him and make it all stop, make it all go away.

His room was lit up when his phone screen came to life. A new message had just arrived, and he could see that it was still 03:50 am.

* * *

Her cold fingers trailed down her waist when she finished dressing. The room was too small. Suffocating. She had to get some air.

With all the care in the world, she opened the bedroom door, trying to make as little noise as possible so as not to wake Sam and Nat.

Barefooted, she tiptoed her way down the hall. The automatic lights turned on with each step forward her figure took. Her fingertips lazily trailing the white walls until they stopped at the white ash door on her right and her eyes stared at it as if trying to see what was going on inside.

Checking her phone, she read the message Nat had sent her saying that Sam and she had gone out to a nearby bar and that if she needed anything, Bucky was still around.

Her hand closed into a fist, and it almost knocked on the wooden door, but the same old thought that plagued her idle mind made her stop. It came out of nowhere and would, more often than not, make her space out searching for answers she was no close to getting then when she started having them.

As much as she tried, she couldn’t understand why she had the need to talk to him, to know him, to _touch_ him.

She wanted to leave, to go to the kitchen, grab ice-cream, sit on the couch and eat it to her heart’s content… but something was stopping her there.

Her brain commanded her body to move, but her heart was stubborn. It wanted what it wanted, and she had learned long ago that she should trust it, trust her instincts.

So, she did the only thing she could. She waited and sighed.

* * *

The room was a cage, and he felt like a trapped animal. Pacing inside a tiny space that would soon make his primal instinct take over and turn him into an unrecognizable mess.

He could feel arms emerging from the little holes in the darkness, and their slender cold fingers wrapped themselves around his flesh, sending shivers all over his skin. Their hold was so strong he couldn’t move his arms and legs, and he was suddenly trapped. Grounded to the floor with no way of escaping.

Knowing that they would eventually crawl their way up his neck to cover his mouth and nose, sending him spiraling into an endless circle of darkness and regret, he tried to fight against himself. Still, he was so exhausted of it all, so weak.

The part inside of him who wanted nothing more than give in started taking over, and he felt his body relaxing. His muscles began to loosen up, and despite knowing that that was wrong, he felt the corners of his mouth curving up into a desperate smile.

His eyelids began to close when his head leaned forward, letting some of his hair slide down his cheek. He was just so tired. He wanted nothing but the end. And it all ended when his eyes finally shut.

He could feel his next breath would be his last one. James Buchanan Barnes would die, and in his stead, a monster would be born, and that thought scared him more than anything.

The air slowly filled his lungs. The seconds ticked by and felt like centuries. His body burned and ached. He couldn’t hold it anymore, and he let it all go.

The silence was oppressive when the last of the dark, cold fingers wrapped themselves around his face, and then… then they were gone.

His head jerked to the side when he heard a tiny little sound. Something so quiet, he was sure he imagined it.

He had to gather strength from every muscle in his body. He never had to test his will to this extent before.

His chest complained, and he gasped for air. The noise he made when the air stormed his mouth was similar to one of a wounded animal asking for help.

And it came.

* * *

She didn’t think before kicking his door open. The place was enveloped in darkness, the only light coming from the now open door allowed her to see the complete mess around the room.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw movement and immediately recognized Bucky hunched down in a corner. The panic rising from her chest was almost overwhelming, and she shut it tightly before anything else.

Her feet pressed the cold floor, and in an instant, she was crouched in front of him. His hair was disheveled, there were tears on his cheek and blood coming out of his lip.

“I’m here.” Her arms embraced him, pulling him closer. Her fingers carded his hair while she caressed his cheek. “I’m here,” she whispered into his ear.

He trembled in her embrace while clutching her arms. She could hear his deep, shaky breathing.

They were not friends, not even colleagues, but she knew exactly what he was feeling and couldn’t simply leave him alone. Not at that moment, at least.

How many times had she found herself in the same situation? She lost count of the number of nights she was shaking and sobbing on her bathroom floor.

The cold water washing her body while soaking her clothes and sticking her hair to her face. The makeup going down the drain, leaving an empty shell of a person behind.

Loneliness wrapping itself around her heart, making it difficult to see a future, any future where it was worth living. A place where she could be herself, and not afraid of being caught up by the ghosts of her past.

She let her body lean on the wall and pulled him closer between her legs, making circles on his naked back. Praying that he could feel the warmth of her hand and let himself know that he wasn’t alone.

“I’m here, ” she whispered in his hair.

* * *

Her warm hand on his skin was deliciously odd. Not that he didn’t like the contact, but he couldn’t stop questioning the reasons why she was there. Saving him from himself. Again.

Her fingers running over his hair were soothing his tired soul. Her breathing on his cheek, making sure to let him know he wasn’t alone. Her legs around his body trapping him in a cage he didn’t want to escape. The smell of her shampoo was comforting, and he wanted to wrap his fingers around her hair. But besides all that, one word kept popping up in his mind.

Why?

Why was she there? Why did she come to help him? Why didn’t she simply walk away? Why, despite everything he had done, she was still around?

“Why?” His voice was hoarse and not louder than a whisper. It broke the silence of the room and joined the cacophony of the storm’s sounds that insisted on being the background music for that scene in which both of them had never imagined themselves being the main actors.

He waited for quite some time for her answer and was about to ask it again, afraid she hadn’t heard him the first time when she sighed and rested her head on the wall.

“I believe you.” Those three simple words caught him off guard.

Not knowing what to say, he turned his head to look at her. She had her eyes closed lost in thought. When she opened her eyes, they looked straight into his.

“Barnes,…” she sighed, averting her gaze for a split second, “I’ve been where you are. I know how you feel.” When her fingertips touched his face to tuck some of his hair behind his ear, he made sure to keep his eyes on hers no matter how much he wanted to close them and cherish the moment. “I know what it’s like to feel yourself slipping away. How desperate it is to feel your being slipping through your fingers and not having enough strength to close your hand and not let the last of you disappear.”

She bit her lower lip, remembering about things he could only guess. He wanted to embrace her and show her that she, too, was not alone. But as much as he wished that, his lips moved without command, and he heard himself asking one more question.

“What kept you from losing sight of yourself?”

“You.” Her voice was full of emotion, and he could swear it wavered when the tears reached her eyes. “Whenever I faced the abyss, it was you who kept me from jumping in.” She took her hands from his skin to tug at her hair and hide her face making him mourn the loss of contact. “And believe me, it was not something good. I kept reminding myself that I couldn’t let it all end because I still had to kill you. Then I would think about all the ways I would make you pay for everything you had done to me, for everything you had taken from me.” She sighed and looked to the ceiling. He saw tears running down her cheeks to her chin and rolling down her pale skin.

“I’m here,” he said without taking his eyes off her.

“I know,” she whispered and looked down at him after taking a deep breath, “but that person I was… She learned things she never thought was possible.” She stared at him, and he couldn’t name what was going on inside her. “As I said,” she traced his cheek with her thumb, “I believe you.”

Her words kept repeating themselves in his head, and he turned his head to avoid her gaze.

“I’m sorry.” She looked at him again. “Lillian, I…”

Instead of saying anything, she pulled him closer and started running her fingers over his hair.

He didn’t know how long they spent like that, but she suddenly broke his reveries with a chuckle.

“I know exactly what will make everything fine.” She never stopped caressing his arms.

“Hmm.” He replied half-asleep.

“Give me a moment.” She started standing up, and he groaned, getting a chuckle from her.

She stretched and headed for the door, but before leaving, she turned to him with a small smile on her face.

“Do you think that, by some kind of magic, the room will be clean and organized by the time I am back?” She raised her eyebrow at him. “I won’t be long, but ten to fifteen minutes is more than enough to at least put the mattress back on its place and make the bed.” Her last words came from the hallway.

Chuckling, he busied himself with the room, trying to make it look a quarter to what it was like before.

He sat on the bed and pondered what it was she was doing when he heard her voice from the doorframe.

“Well, it’s no so bad.” She walked to the floor-to-ceiling window and sat in front of it, watching the rainy skies. “Come.” She patted the spot next to her.

Wanting to be close to her again, he neared her and sat down with curiosity in his eyes.

She offered him a spoon and started to dig into the ice-cream, not even caring to use bowls for it. When she looked at him with an inquisitive look, he had to remind her that that belonged to Tony, and he would get mad at her.

“We tell him it was you. He’s not really your number one fan, so I guess we got it covered.” She gave him a mischievous smile, he mimicked back. “Nah, just kidding. I’ll tell him I’m on PMS or something.” And then she scooped some more.

Shrugging, he leaned back on his metal hand, and with the flesh one, started to dig in as well.

“Do you think one day we will have a normal life?” She licked her spoon before turning to him. “Not normal, normal, but I don’t know,…” She sighed.

“We can always try,” he replied, grabbing some more ice-cream.

“Hmmm…” She searched his face. “This is nice.”

“What?”

“This!” She opened her arms, showing them. “I think next we should braid each other’s hair.” She winked at him.

He laughed. It bounced on the walls and made everything that happened less than an hour ago feel like a sad and distant memory.

“I wouldn’t mind taking care of you.” His metal hand reached for her hair, but she flinched. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t…”

“It’s okay.” There was sadness in her voice. “I’m leaving in the morning.” She placed her spoon on her leg and stared somewhere outside. “As much as I believe in you, it’s hard to just be around you, you know?” He nodded silently. “I know it sounds like hypocrisy since I'm sitting here next to you, indulging in ice-cream-”

“I understand.” His voice was firm and clear.

“It does feel nice though, doesn’t it?” She smiled at him.

Chuckling, he agreed with her.

“You are definitely going down to the kitchen and getting rid of all this evidence,” she laughed, and he made sure to commit the sound to his memory. “but I would like to stay here a moment longer if you allow me…” She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down.

“You can stay for as long as you want.”

“Thank you!” She squeezed his hand.

“No. Thank _you_.” He made sure she was looking at him when he spoke.

Before bringing more ice-cream to her mouth, she said the last words they would speak that night.

“It really does feel nice…”


	9. Sugar candy in the form of a cloud.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friend from Lillian's past comes back to ask for a favor she can't say no to.  
> When she finds out it also involves the Avengers there is only one thing she can do to persuade them.

It had been two weeks since Lillian moved out of the compound. She decided she needed time to think things through before moving forward.

She still had some of the money she had saved from the time she worked with the Avengers and some from her private investigations, so to her, the next logical step was starting over.

A new chapter demanded a new life. Everything had changed, from the way she viewed herself to the way she viewed Barnes as well.

For starters, she stopped calling him The Winter Soldier. Hours were spent searching and investigating about Hydra and the experiments they had put him through… admittedly she had also spent a considerable amount of time looking into his personal past.

He was a ladies’ man through and through. Steve told her many stories of when they were younger and all the trouble they got into together, and not only that, but how many times he had his ass saved by his friend. They spent a few days talking about Barnes’ past and how he still got mesmerized by some of the modern technology.

Steve never asked her why she wanted to know about his friend because deep down, he knew she wanted to understand him, to connect with him. She did tell him her reasons, and he accepted without a second thought, even going further and saying that he wouldn’t tell Barnes about their conversations.

And there, sitting in the middle of her new living room, she stopped her reveries as soon as the doorbell rang.

“Coming!” She looked around the place, trying and failing miserably to find the money. “Shit, shit, shit.”

In her haste to get to the door, she threw empty boxes around, bumped into the table, dropped some books on the floor and let a string of curses out.

“Found you!” She grabbed the money from the window’s sill and ran to the delivery guy.

Approaching the door, she heard a couple of voices talking and reached for the gun on the entrance table. Placing it on the peephole, she turned the doorknob with a smile on her face.

Two men greeted her. One was a young man with a round face and grey eyes she had never seen before, the other was a tall man with red hair and green eyes adorning a freckled face she recognized immediately.

“Thomas?” She tilted her head to the left.

“Hello, baby girl.” The man flashed her a beautiful smile that made her stomach flutter. “May I come in?”.

“What are you doing here?” She gave him passage. “Wait! I need to pay…”

“Already paid.” He looked around the place. “Wow! This place is a mess.” He looked at her over his shoulder.

“How did you know where to find me?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“You gave me Natasha’s contact number in case I needed to find you, remember?” He placed the pizza on the table and headed to the fridge “Shit, I forgot you don’t drink.”

“Hmmm… yeah yeah.” She scratched her head.

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” His laughter filled the room. “Remember the last time we saw each other?” He leaned on the kitchen sink and drank some of her grape juice from the carton.

“Vaguely.” Frowning, she took the carton from his hand and drank some herself.

“Well…” he turned to look into her eyes, “I woke up to an empty cold bed with a note stuck on my chest with her info and an apology.”

“Oh,…” she blushed, “riiiiight…” She bit her lips embarrassed. “Sorry about that, but I warned you.” She started eating a slice of pizza.

“Hmmm… Let’s just say that the memory of the night is more than enough to forgive you.” He ducked when she threw the slice at him.

“What are you doing here, though?” She spoke with her mouth full and walked to what one day would become the living room.

“I kinda need your help with something.” His voice was quiet and unsure.

“I do owe you a favor.” She took the books from the sofa and placed them on the floor. “Who do you want me to kill?” Her eyes bore into his, and a creepy smile formed on her lips.

“What?” Thomas's voice was almost a yell, “No!”

Lillian laughed when his eyes looked everywhere, and his body language showed he expected someone to jump from somewhere to stab him to death.

“I’m just teasing you! I don’t do that for free.” She grinned when he looked at her, shocked. “You make this too easy, you know?” She chuckled.

“You have an evil sense of humor, woman!” He collected himself and sat by her side. “But I missed it.” His fingers caressed her thigh, and he flashed her a sly smile.

“I’m sorry, Thomas.” She squeezed his hand. “I’m just not in a good place right now… A few things happened, and well…”

“Right! I’m not here for that anyway.” He avoided her eyes and ran his fingers over his hair. “To tell you the truth, I don’t need you, per se.”

Lillian raised her eyebrow at his words and leaned back.

“You see… the orphanage I work for is organizing a charity event…”

“No.”

“C’mon, Lilly! I haven’t even finished…”

“You want me to get the Avengers to come, right?”

“Yes,” he finally said after a long sigh. “It will draw attention, and then we will have more donations… Look, they don’t even need to stay for too long. Give us thirty minutes; that’s all I’m asking for.”

“It’s not that simple.” She started pacing the small place available. “I don’t work for them anymore, and they have their own thing going on…”

“Think about the children!”

“Oh, please! Don’t you dare play that card.” She poked his chest.

“They need a new building, Lilly!” He stood and rested his hands on his hips. “They are living in less than ideal conditions. Some months we don’t even have money for food…”

“Stop!” She warned him. “How dare you come to my house…” Her voice was full of emotion, and tears threatened to roll down her cheeks. “You know the only thing I can’t say no to are kids, you dirty, dirty man!” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“So… is that a yes?” He took a step closer to her.

“Of course, it is a yes…” Her eyes widened when he pulled her in for a hug. The smell of coffee mixed with his scent bringing the night they spent together to her mind.

“But…” She looked into his eyes with a mischievous smile. “There’s something you’ll have to do, too” She traced her finger on his chest.

“Is that so?” It was his time to smile.

They spent the next hours cleaning and organizing her small apartment.

* * *

To say that she was nervous was the same as saying that the sun is hot. Her fingers hurt with the amount of weight she carried with her. The few minutes the elevator took to reach the kitchen floor allowed her to review her plan.

It was Wednesday and Wednesdays were special bonding days…

“This is a mistake, and Steve will kill me.” She tried to scratch her eyebrow, but the bags were too heavy, so she sighed instead.

The elevator door opened with a ding, and she heard herself say a little prayer.

The voices coming from the living room made her feel lighter, hopeful even. Hopeful not only for what she was about to do but for the road ahead. So many opportunities, so many new things for her to do that she couldn’t help but feel lost.

Giggling, she turned right and was met with all kinds of faces. Some were smiling, some were scowling, and one of them was smeared with chocolate.

“Hey, Thor! I see you found Banner’s chocolate stash again.” She bumped her shoulder on his and set the bags on the counter.

The god only laughed since his mouth was full. Banner, on the other hand, threw his arms up with an exasperated sigh, which led the others to laugh.

“What’s all this?” Clint asked, peering inside one of the bags.

“Don’t be curious!” She slapped his hand away.

“I missed this so so much…” Lillian only had time to look over her shoulder at a grinning Tony who had now a pie in his hand.

“Hey!” She walked over to him but stopped when she heard another bag being opened. “You are all worse than children!” She rested her hands on her waist.

“Lillian.” Steve’s voice was flat, and she flinched when she heard her name. “Today is Wednesday, and you know very well…”

“That Wednesday is the day we gather together for some fun time.” She walked to the bags and started taking the food out of them. “What better way for bonding than eating extremely unhealthy food?” She finished unpacking and turned to look at him.

“We?” Was his only question.

Rolling her eyes, she started to set the table for them to eat.

“You know what I mean. And besides,…” she walked to him with her hands behind her backs “I made your favorite.” She showed him a beautiful box and grinned.

“Just because you made my favorite dessert doesn’t mean I will readily agree with whatever you want…”

“All I can hear is that you are going to listen to me, and then after pondering for a few minutes, say yes.” She straightened his t-shirt after winking at him.

“You never change, do you?” He took the box from her hands with a big smile.

“Nope.”

They gathered around the table and waited for her to show them what she had cooked.

“Where’s Barnes?” she asked when they started eating.

“He said he was going to take a quick shower and come back.”

“Okay.” She swallowed. “So,-”

“And here it comes.” Tony placed his fork on the table and cleaned his hands while turning to look at her.

“Don’t be like that.” She shook her head. “It’s nothing impossible, you know? It is actually very simple and won’t even take up much of your time…”

“I don’t like it.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “Whatever it is,…” he cleaned his mouth with a napkin, “you are always very direct, so the fact that you made all of this and is trying-”

“I promised a friend that some of the Avenger were going to his charity event.” The words blurted out of her mouth.

She looked down when a storm of “what’s” and “you can’t be serious!” and there was even one “she’s lost it, poor thing.”

“Lillian, you can’t go ahead and promise we-” It was Clint’s time to disagree.

“It’s for an orphanage.” She tucked her hair behind her ears.

“I am in.” Thor slapped the table. “Children are the future, and we need to help them.”

“It’s not that simple.” Steve argued. “What if we already have plans?”

“When is it?” Tony, who had been silent all the time, asked.

“Thor understands! Thanks, man.” She gave him a smile to avoid Tony’s question. “Children are the future, and if we don’t-”

“It’s this weekend, isn’t it?” Tony asked again.

“No,…” She bit her lower lip, “friday,” she whispered to herself.

Steve simply stared at her. Tony laughed. Thor was still eating his pie. Natasha chuckled to herself while Clint checked his phone. Banner looked at her as if she was an alien.

“I am still going,” Thor managed to say with his mouth full.

“Thank you!” She took a deep breath. “Look, I know I’m in the wrong here-”

“You are more than in the wrong.” Steve started. “You just tried to blackmail us with food.” Natasha pointed to his mouth, and he cleaned some of the food off of it. “Pressing us to go to an event that is happening in two days. Not only that but an honorably event that hardly gives a chance to say no…”

“Is that a yes?”

“Lillian!” Steve gave her a pointed look.

“Listen,…” she stood up, “I never said everyone needs to go. I told him that _some_ of you would go. Thor is going, so I just need one more…”

“I am in too,” Banner said with a smile.

“Great! See, this is awesome.” She sighed relieved. “Thank you, Banner!”

“I just talked to Sam,” Clint said while looking at his phone. “He said he is totally in, and so am I. Nat?”

“Will there be cotton candy?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I guess?” Lillian looked at everyone.

“Then, I can’t say no.”

“What is cotton candy?” Thor asked.

“It is candy made out of sugar that looks like a cloud,” Banner explained, and Thor smiled.

“If everyone is going, I have no choice.” Tony stood up, taking his phone from his pocket and giving Steve a glance before walking away.

Groaning, Steve looked down at his shoes.

“You know you were lucky on this one, right?”

“Yes.”

“Next time, don’t make promises like that.”

“I won’t. I just couldn’t say no to him.”

“Him?” Steve looked at her with a curious gaze.

“It’s a long story… so, can I tell him you’re going too?”

“You know I was going to say yes since the beginning, didn’t you?” He rested his elbows on the table.

“Your heart is just too big, Cap.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Lillian gave them all the info they needed while they finished eating.

“What’s in that bag?” Natasha pointed at it with her chin.

“That one is for Barnes.”

“is that so?” Clint side-eyed Natasha.

“I did cook for everyone here, didn’t I?” Crossing her arms over her chest, she glared at him.

“I don’t care as far as you do the cleaning.” Steve walked to the living room.

“What?” She couldn’t believe her ears. “That’s not fair. I cooked, and now I have to clean as well?”

“Let’s call it payback for making promises you shouldn’t.” It was Tony who addressed her.

“Fine!” She scowled but gathered everything to clean.

The dishes were almost done when Bucky entered the kitchen, and she greeted him with a small smile.

“Hey,” she finished drying the knife, “I have something for you.”

He watched her walk to the bag and take a box from it.

“You see,” she gave him a knife and fork, “on Friday, there is this charity event, and everyone is going.” She cut him a generous slice. “I would be very happy if you went too.” She leaned on the table and placed it in front of him.

“Charity for what?” He sat and kept looking at her.

“There is this orphanage a friend of mine works at, and they need some money for food and renovations.”

“Uh-huh.” He encouraged her to continue.

“And as I said,” She was suddenly self-conscious and felt her cheeks burn. “I would be very happy if you went too.” She tucked some hair behind her ear before looking at him.

They watched each other for a while, and Bucky couldn’t help but notice the blush on her cheeks. He had to stop himself from caressing her flushed skin.

“It will be nice. They are planning a picnic in the park.” She looked at nothing, lost in thought. “I’m even planning on buying a dress.” The last part was spoken aloud, more to herself than to him.

“You said everyone is going,” he turned to the dessert in front of him, “I guess I have no choice then.”

Lillian’s face fell, and Bucky’s stomach flipped. He did not want to upset her.

“If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. I mean, I would like you to be there but not because you feel obligated to go.” She turned her head away. Too many strange emotions threatened to surface, and she didn’t want him to see them.

“Hey,…” he said, and with a feather-light touch turned her eyes to him again, “I’m going because I want to.” Her small smile made his grow. “And besides, I wouldn’t miss the chance to see you in a dress.” He tilted his head and noticed the red on her cheeks again.

“Anyways,…” she had to walk away from his beautiful smile and inviting lips, “aren’t you going to eat your dessert?”

“What is it?” He eyed the food and poked it with the fork.

“It’s a plum cheesecake. I made it myself.” He noticed how proud she was. “I made everyone’s favorite as a way to thank them for going.”

“You mean, blackmailing?” He gave her a sly smile she couldn’t help but return.

“You can call it as you want.” She tried to sound insulted but failed miserably. “I see that you don’t want yours, so…”

She took the plate from the table and turned her back to him, but he was fast, and she felt his arm encircling her waist, pulling her flush to his warm chest.

“I never said I wasn’t going to eat it,” he whispered into her ear and took the plate from her hands.

Lillian chuckled freely and was surprised when goosebumps made their way on the overly sensitive skin Bucky had just touched.

Things really had changed. If it were some months back, she would probably have preferred to die than allow him to touch her... much less fell pleasure from the contact. She was still unsure if she liked that change.

“I must confess that it looks delicious.” He placed the plate back on the table.

“Go ahead.” She put her hands on the table and, after crouching, rested her chin on her fingers, looking at him expectantly.

He couldn’t help but chuckle when he saw her worrying her lip between her teeth and was about to take a bite when he stopped midway his action to ask her.

“Are you sure you didn’t just buy it?” She rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out.

With a dramatic sigh, he finally ate it, and a quiet moan escaped his lips.

“This is delicious.” He pointed at the slice with the fork. “You were definitely blackmailing them.”

“As I said, I just made everyone’s favorite as a thank you!” He watched her head to the living room without looking back at him.

And alone in the kitchen, eating the best cheesecake he had ever eaten, he started to laugh. One thought in his mind.

_“How the hell does she know I like plums this much?”_

In the end, it didn’t really matter how she knew it because plum cheesecake was, from that moment on, his favorite dessert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The slice of the cheesecake looks like this:  
> https://cookbookluv.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/plum-cheesecake-with-a-gingernut-base/


	10. The future is made of hope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when everything is perfect, a low sound, a delicious smell can bring back memories that will forever scar a person.  
> Lillian thinks her past is long gone, but nothing is as it was supposed to be, and luckily, Bucky is there for her just like she was there for him.

Lilly was late, and she knew she was already dead. If only Thomas hadn’t convinced her to make those carrot cakes, she would be on time.

“But Lilly!” She made her best personification of him. “Remember how much the children loved your cakes? It’s not my fault they are asking for it!” Groaning, she took the dress from the hanger and hurried to iron it.

The small apartment smelled of fond memories and children's laughter, and she couldn’t help but smile. She knew they would kill her, though.

“C’mon!” She tapped her foot in rhythm to her fingers. “Stupid dress!” Twenty minutes later she was inside the car, racing to the picnic.

The weather was perfect. The sun shining on the blue sky and the breeze cooling down her skin. Even with the car door closed, she could see and hear the children running around.

Lillian exited the car and opened the back door where she had stored the boxes when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

“Nice dress.” She bumped her head and yelped.

“Steve!” Turning around, she caressed her head and glared at him.

“You’re late.” Steve slid his hands inside his pockets.

“A woman is never late, nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to.” She turned around to grab the boxes.

“Are you quoting that wizard from The Lord of the Rings movie you made me watch?”

“Ahhh… no!” She dumped the boxes on his arms and locked her car. “Come! We need to hurry.” She turned to hide her smile.

“What for? It’s not like you’re late or something.” He raised his eyebrow at her, who chose to ignore him.

“Is everyone here?”

“Yes, we arrived on time, as in one hour ago time.”

“If you keep this up, you are not, and I repeat, not going to have any.” Her right hand patted the box on top.

Rolling his eyes, he nodded at her and smiled.

“Good Cap.”

She had barely arrived at the place the event was being held when the children ran to her hugging her legs. Their smiles were affectionate, and she couldn’t help but mimic them. Giving each and every one of the children a tight hug, she saw them off to play.

Patting her dress, she waved at everyone and headed towards Steve to help him set the table. The man could be a war hero, well, a hero in general, but the cutlery and cakes sure were giving him a beating.

“Maybe you should let me handle it?” Her hand stopped his when he almost knocked the popcorn on the ground.

“Yeah…” He massaged his palm.

“Don’t worry, Mister Captain America! I will help her.” Thomas got closer and gave her a long tight hug.

“No need for all the formality. Steve is fine.”

“Thanks, Thomas.” She didn’t look at them and continued setting the table. “Where are the others?” She lifted her head and looked around, spotting Nat teaching some girls how to fight while Clint acted like the target.

A few minutes later, and she found herself drinking orange juice and nipping on a snack. On the other side of the place, she noticed Bucky sitting by a tree talking to someone she couldn’t see. The man glanced at her and flashed a smile from the corner of his mouth while he tucked some hair behind his ear.

Lillian tilted her head to the side and admired the scene playing in front of her. Everything was peaceful and perfect. The place was filled with joy and people having a good time. Bucky knelt and started playing with a small girl, she couldn’t be older than… older than…

Her body started shaking, and she dropped the glass and the snack on the ground. She clutched her arms around herself in a futile attempt to stop it. There wasn’t enough air, there simply wasn’t enough air, and she grabbed her neck, opening and closing her mouth, desperately trying to get enough air to fill her lungs.

The night her parents died. The memory came flooding all her senses, and she fell to the ground.

Her fingers dug the earth, and she could feel dirt getting into her fingernails. Everything around her was buzzed out; the sounds, the smells… it was all gone.

She was breathing fast. Her hair was covering her face, and her body burned. She tried to stand up, but it only worsened what happened next.

A child yelled in the distance. Her high-pitched tone startled Lillian even more, making her reach for a gun that wasn’t there. Someone touched her shoulder, and she turned ready to punch whoever it was when Thomas’s warm eyes stared into hers.

“Are you okay?” She barely heard him through the drumming of her pulse in her ear, but she noticed his deep concern.

Maybe everything that just happened didn’t take more than a couple of minutes. Still, her body already struggled with the tiredness beginning to set.

His hands caressed her arms up and down. Although his fingers were delicate against her oversensitive skin, his movements only made her feel trapped, so she took a step back, trying to get away from him.

Hot tears streamed down her red face. Her lips were trembling, and she murmured her parents’ name over and over and over.

There was a commotion on her left side, and when Thomas turned to check, she grabbed his clothes and pulled him near. She could see fear in his features, but he steeled himself and touched her cheek.

“It’s okay.” He gently caressed her skin with his thumb. “You are okay.”

Felling a new wave of tears on the way, she closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder. Her lips kept repeating _his_ name in a low murmur, rendering Thomas more confused.

“I can’t understand what you’re saying.” He made circles with his palm on her back.

Nearing his ear, she whispered with trembling chin and lips, “He will kill someone…”

“Who?” His fingers tightened his grasp around her arm.

“The Winter Soldier.” His name left her mouth in an agonizing slow way.

Lillian’s body trembled. Her face was buried on his chest.

A loud sound startled her. Her head snapped to the side, and her eyes met his.

* * *

Bucky was laughing from the joke the girl had just told him. His lips immediately shut when he saw Lilly’s distressed expression. Her hair was disheveled; there were tears on her cheeks; even from afar, he could sense how much she was afraid.

He studied their surroundings, trying to discern what was wrong, but when he looked back at her, she was walking away, almost sprinting in her hurry to escape.

Without looking to the girl beside him, he caressed her chin and stood up to chase Lilly.

* * *

The sounds that once filled her being with happiness only enhanced her sense of danger. Her hands clasped her ears, her eyes were closed shut, and her legs were weak. Her breathing was difficult again, and the dizziness started to increase.

She kept walking, her pace slowing. The few people who were in the park glanced at her with curiosity in their staring.

She wanted to scream, warn them about him, tell them to flee. Her words reached her throat but left her mouth in an incoherent murmur. Her fingers kept looking for a gun that wasn’t there.

Looking over her shoulder, she only saw the glint of his metal arm getting closer and closer. Hiding behind a tree, she tried to process what was happening. Why was she fleeing if all The Avengers were a shout away?

Her eyes closed, and all she could see was a birthday cake. All she could hear was the rumbling of a loud thunder.

Finally, giving up, her knees buckled, and she felt herself falling. Before reaching the ground, she felt arms holding her upright. The hold was firm and almost bruising… the words which were spoken to her belonged to a voice she hoped she would never hear again.

“Lillian.” Her name in a whisper. The tone concerned, in the underline there was guilty too.

His arms tightened the grasp when she tried to take a step back. One hand on her nape the other on the small of her back.

“Please!” The begging made him shiver, and she heard his soft groan. His warm lips pressed against her forehead. His hot breath all over her face, and she noticed the smell of lemon.

“Breath with me.” He took several long breaths. “C’mon, doll. Just breath” He pressed her chest against his, and their breathing started to synchronize. “That’s it. Just breath, don’t fight it.”

Fear gave way to confusion. Why did she allow him to hold her like that? Why didn’t she try to untangle herself from him?

His flesh hand moved from her nape to her face, and his fingers caressed her cheeks.

“None of it’s real. It’s all in the past. You are safe now.” He rested his forehead on hers, and she knew his eyes were closed as well. “Look at me, will you?”

When she shook her head, he raised his metal hand and cupped her face, his forehead never leaving hers.

“You can do this. There’s no reason to fear.” His fingers dove into her hair and started massaging her head. “Once you said you believed me, so I’m asking you to believe me again.” His flesh fingers grabbed her chin and tipped it up so she would look directly into his eyes, the metal ones slowly made their way to the small of her back, keeping her close.

“I can’t…”

“Of course, you can.” His voice was low. His breath tickled her face, and she bit the inside of her mouth. “You can do anything you want. I know you can.” He cleaned the tears with his thumb. “I’ve seen you. I believe in you.” His forehead rested on hers again. His nose right beside hers. His lips one kiss away. “I trust you.”

It was all it took.

Looking up at him, she saw ice-blue eyes staring right back. There was no coldness in them, only concern. Admiration.

“Hello, doll!” His smile brightened his whole face.

“Bucky,…” her voice was small, as small as the little girl who lost her parents, “I’m sorry.”

“Hey!” He caressed her cheek. “No need to apologize. You were there for me. I’m here for you and whenever you need me if you allow it.” He tilted his head to the side and tucked her hair behind her ear.

Not knowing what to say, she simply hugged him. Her arms felt comfortable around his warm body, a perfect fit. A deep sense of longing took over her, she was once again where she was supposed to be.

Many would say it was _wrong_. He was the one who killed her parents; he was a murderer and nothing else.

Wrong! And damn them all.

They didn’t know what _he_ had been through. What _she_ had been through.

The years of torture and mind-bending. The pain she inflicted herself, and others inflicted upon him.

So many lonely years. She had distanced herself, and even when she was surrounded, her walls were still up. Not letting anyone in.

And him? Not a choice, not an option. Just a weapon. A tool to be used and abused. No need for social interactions. Only orders to be obeyed.

Yet, his arms around her felt right. She was safe from her, from him, from them.

Maybe in another world, things could have been different. They could have met in different circumstances.

Tugging him close, she felt tears rolling down her cheeks again.

No! Not anymore.

They wouldn’t hurt him or her. They would pay for what they had done to him. She was going to hunt the last one of them.

Schneider. He was an agent, and she knew how to find him. Her mind was set. No one was going to stop her, and…

The fabric of his clothes caressed her naked skin when he shifted so he would be able to whisper in her ear.

* * *

“Don’t.” His tone was pleading. His fingers dug into her skin, and his breathing was deep. “I know what you’re thinking. I know what you want, but don’t.” His flesh fingers found her hair and curled the strands around them to feel the way they hugged his skin. “Maybe it’s not a good reason for you, but I sure do hope it is enough to at least make you consider.”

He looked at her, and her lips were quivering. Taunting; daring him to close the space and soothe her soul. Pour into the kiss everything he wanted to tell her, but the words always failed to convey. Her watering eyes cut him deep enough. His hands wanted to keep her heart close to his, and through his fingertips, he wanted to show her that she meant more than he could say. More than he ever dared to wish.

“You are my last hope. You are the only thing keeping me from vanishing. You can call me selfish, and hell, maybe I am, but when I see you…” His fingertips traced every line of her face. “When I see you, I know I have reasons to hope. Your life isn’t what it was supposed to be, but here you are, and here I am, so please, let me be here for you.”

His eyes closed briefly in a silent prayer. Her skin under his grounding him. Making that moment a memory he would forever cherish.

“Allow me to be selfish and see you happy. To see you become everything you can and want. Let me, foolishly, smile when you smile. Be happy when you’re happy. Heal when you are healed.” His thumb traced her lower lip. The hand that rested on her back pulled her closer; otherwise, he would kiss those tantalizing lips scaring her, and it couldn’t happen, not at that moment, nor ever again.

* * *

His words struck her deep. How could he know her so much in so little time? Stupid question, He was her, and she was him.

Her desire to protect him mirrored hers. How could it not?

Damn it…

Maybe one day they could be happy, she could make him happy. God was a witness they deserved some of it. Friendship could bloom between them and maybe, maybe even…

Hope filled her heart with that simple thought, and she smiled against his shoulder.

“There you are.” Someone spoke softly before rounding the tree, giving them time to take a step back. “I’ve been looking for you for quite some time.” Steve avoided glancing at the two, giving some privacy to the pair. “Humm… is everything alright?”

Lillian’s voice was hoarse when she tried to speak, so Bucky explained the situation to his friend.

“She just had bad memories, it’s all. Sometimes we just can’t control how our past is going to come to say hi. Right, doll?”

For a moment more, she was lost in wishful thought. A ghost of a smile tugged the corner of her mouth, but her mind came back as soon as Bucky’s hand touched hers.

“Of course.” She hoped it was the right answer. For his question and her hopes.

“I know a good doctor who deals with PTSD…”

“I’m fine, Steve.” Both soldiers shot her a questioning glance, she resigned and sighed. “I don’t have an episode in months.” She ran her fingers over her hair. “Not that intense, at least.” She gave them a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Lillian,…” Steve's voice was firm, but the softness in his words spoke in volumes.

“He is right, Lilly.” Bucky took a step in her direction, lowering his voice. “Dealing with this alone is not healthy. I tried. Kept running in circles.”

“I’ve tried it once. It’s not my cup of tea. Is it yours?”

“Not really.” He chuckled darkly. “Talking about the things I did is not easy. I avoided it as much as I could, until…” His gaze got lost on the tree’s leaves.

“Until?” She took the final step separating them.

Bucky looked at her. Her hair was dirty, and her eyes were still red and puff from the crying. Her arms were crossed around her belly, and her beautiful dress had wrinkles all over it, but still, she took his breath away.

“Until you told me you believed me.” His fingers found the warm skin of her face again and caressed it in a feather-light touch. Afraid to break her.

She trapped her lower lip between her teeth and looked away in thought. Her mind listing the pros and cons. Her body reacting to the bad memories.

“You don’t need to answer now. I’ll send his number to you, and you decide if you want to go. No need to tell anyone.”

She nodded at him. A surge of tiredness suddenly took over her, and although she tried to stifle the yawn, her lips parted, and she turned to hide her face.

“Want me to get you home?” Bucky’s face was graced with a beautiful smile, but his tone was full of concern.

“Thank you, but I think I should go by myself.” She tilted her head and tucked some hair behind her ear.

“Okay.” He placed his hands in his pockets. “See you soon?”

Smiling, she nodded at him and walked to her car, but not before waving goodbye to Steve, who watched his friends with smiling eyes and a heart full of joy and even hope.


	11. Remember.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All she wanted was to give Bucky a little something, but in the end, Lilly gave him much more than that.

Making circles with her thumb on the small box in her hand, Lilly made her way to the stationery store down the street.

The place was bustling with people going on with their lives. Some of them had their faces down, looking at their phones while others chatted amicably with their friends laughing freely.

She was waiting for the pedestrian traffic light to turn green when a dog barked, drawing her attention. The small animal played with a couple who sat on the park’s blue bench. Resting under the shade of a big old tree.

A small sigh escaped her mouth as her chest filled with longing for things she could only imagine, and once again, her thumb caressed the wooden box in her palm.

Taking her eyes from the scene, she walked across the street and made her way to the store.

All kinds of wrapping paper crowded the walls. From seasonal to birthday. From thematic to classic. Her eyes were overwhelmed with so many options, and her mind started sorting through all of them.

A petite girl with an easy smile neared and started asking questions to help her. Help that she happily welcomed since that kind of delicate manual work was foreign to her. Stabbing, suffocating, cleaning guns? She could do it with closed eyes. Her fingers knew all of it. Wrapping, decorating, and making bows? Not even close.

After a couple of minutes, Lilly left the store with a beautiful sky-blue gift box, ornated with a small silver bow sitting on top of it. The box fitted perfectly on her hand, and she hid it away inside a black plastic bag. Pleased with her choice, she headed to one more place before her final destination.

The room was bare, and the girl greeted her with a big smile. Although they had never met before, they had a friend in common. A friend that both wanted to see happy.

“Thank you, Shuri.” Lillian hugged the princess. “Are you sure you don’t want me to call you Her…”

“That won’t be necessary. Please, and thank you!” They laughed.

“I’ll see you around then?” She asked from the door.

“As soon as my brother gets off my back.” Shuri rolled her eyes and waved Lilly a farewell.

With everything set, Lillian was finally able to go to the compound.

Joyful laughter was what she wanted to hear, but instead, she found an empty place. She knew they weren’t on any mission, so where could they be?

Walking to the kitchen, she opened the fridge and served herself some of Tony’s ice-cream. How could she resist something so tempting? She had already told Tony to not leave it in the fridge if he didn’t want her to have some, but the man just gave her a tired smile.

Her eyes fluttered closed with the first spoon, and with the second, her brain forgot how to function.

Minutes had passed, and when the ice cream was gone, she stood up and washed the dishes that were left in the sink. Tired of waiting around, she took the phone from her pocket and called Steve.

He picked it up on the second ring. Lilly could hear the smile on his voice.

“Lilly.”

“Where are you guys? I’ve been waiting here forever.” She slumped in Steve’s favorite seat.

“You never said you were coming by-”

“Do I need invitations now?” Her lips curled up, and she giggled.

“Of course, not. But if I knew you’d be coming, I would have invited you to the meeting-”

“Because that is a hard pass, right?”

“They are not the most entertaining, but they are important to… Anyway. We have just finished and are coming back, just give me a minute and-”

“Actually,…” she scratched her head and bit her lower lip, “I’m here to see Bucky.”

“Oh, it is Bucky now? I see.” He chuckled.

“I just came to thank him for the other day. The picnic, remember?”

“Yeah, How could I?” There was silence for a moment. “How’s therapy?”

“It’s surprisingly good.” She threw her legs up the armrest. “Better than I expected.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Don’t forget, we have to catch that movie on Friday.”

“No way, I would forget it. How long have we been planning it?”

“Feels like years now.” His voice came from the elevator, and they hung up. “So,…” he continued when he entered the room, “I bring the stomach, and you bring the food?” He laughed animatedly.

“Sure. I owe you one.” Lilly looked at him. The therapist he recommended did, indeed, help her more than she imagined. “Just don’t expect me to do all the work every time.”

Steve gave her a tight hug. They talked for a bit longer before she headed to Bucky’s room.

The elevator ride was smooth and lonely. Everyone had their things to do and were out, except Steve, Bucky, and Clint.

Once again, she found herself standing in front of his white ash door, although this time, she hoped there were more cheerful memories to be made.

Knocking on the door, she heard movement inside, and for some reason, she didn’t know, her hands patted her clothes. A funny feeling settled in her stomach while she closed her hands in balls at her sides.

As soon as the door opened and his face came into view, something inside her snapped. When her eyes met his, her lips became a huge smile, one that she noticed he had as well.

For a couple of seconds, they stared at each other until Bucky leaned on the frame and crossed his arms over his chest.

The light grey t-shirt hugged his frame, catching her attention. With the motion of his body, the fabric slid upwards, displaying the beginning of firm abs and promises of delicious things hidden beneath black sweatpants.

Pretending to fumble with the plastic bag not to be caught staring at his body, she lifted it and flashed him a smile, not before swallowing all the saliva in her mouth.

“I have something for you.” She shook the bag. “And I hope you like it because it was not easy to find.”

“What did I do to deserve it?” He walked back inside and waited for her to enter before closing the door.

“You were there when I needed it.” Lilly’s voice was firm, but her eyes didn’t look at his.

“Lillian, I…” She turned with the gift in her hands, and he stared at it.

She walked to his bed and sat. Patting at her side, she waited for him to sit and then placed the box into his open hands.

“You don’t have to say anything.” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “C’mon. Open it.” She poked his hand.

His gaze lifted to hers, and she made sure to sit closer until their bodies were touching. His skin was warm, and his smell intoxicating. Bucky was tempting in more ways than Lilly thought possible, and that realization was not only confusing but also scary. Still, she found herself reaching for his face with the tips of her fingers to tuck the strands of hair that persisted in blocking her view of his calming blue eyes.

When she touched his skin, she noticed how deep he breathed, the way his eyes flicked to her lips.

Biting his lip, Bucky averted her gaze and started to open the gift, and Lillian couldn’t help but wring her hands.

* * *

Bucky didn’t understand why he was so nervous. Of course, it had nothing to do with her body so close to his. Her hair caressing his skin and its smell reaching his nose. Its gentle smell was unable to mask her natural scent, which, in a strange way, was soothing to him.

He placed the box on his lap, afraid of dropping it and ruining whatever was inside when she leaned over his shoulder, and he felt her body pressed against his.

Commanding his body not to betray him by displaying his emotion, he carefully took the ends of the strings with his slightly trembling fingers and pulled. Thinking the bow would fall on the floor, he reached to grab it with his flash hand, only to have it curl around her delicate skin because she had the same reaction. Without looking over his shoulder, his thumb made circles on her hand before letting it go. Moments later, he still felt her warmth in his hand.

With great care and precise movements, he unwrapped the box. His fingers tenderly brushed the lid. In beautifully engraved letters, a message was written in it.

_“Write notes to remember who you were._

_Write notes to remembers who you are_

_Write notes to remember who you want to be._

_Write notes to remember me.”_

The words were simple, but the message hit hard. Who he had been, who he was, and who he wanted to be were completely different people. The last line where there was a small lily drawn and where she asked him to remember her was the one he read and reread… There were plenty of reasons to remember her. Some terrible, some good, but most of them were reasons that made him get out of bed every day.

Glancing at her over his shoulder, he gave in to his desires and stroked her cheek.

“Thank you!” As soon as she leaned on his touch, his body melted away.

“You don’t need to thank me.” Her face was close to his, and he felt her breath on his skin. “Go on. Open it.”

He hated the fact that he had to look away from her but turned once again to the box on his lap.

With both thumbs, he slowly lifted the lid. Inside he found a small notepad made of recycled paper and a silver fountain pen. Its design similar to the one in his arm.

Bucky traced his metal arm with his fingertips and was suddenly lost in thought, just to be brought back by her fingers lacing his.

“It’s okay, Bucky.” Lilly squeezed his hand. “I’m here.” Her words caressed his ear and cheeks.

Turning his eyes back to the box, he saw a small black fabric package.

He felt Lilly’s body press closer to him when he reached for it, and he noticed how she held her breath. Letting the content fall into his palm, his lips twitched into a shy smile.

His old dog tags brought all kinds of memories back, he was sure it had not been easy to find them. Straightening his spine, he threw the chain over his shoulder and felt the tags against his chest.

Lilly shuffled behind him, moving her body away from his, so he turned to her, resting his knee on the mattress.

“Do you like it?” Her head was tilted, and she worried her lip between her teeth.

Chuckling, he nodded at her.

“It took me a while, but I think it was worth it.” She reached for the tags and touched them. Her fingers lingering on his chest. “Here, let me show you something.”

She came close again and stopped near him. The proximity of their bodies sending goosebumps all over him. He had to look up to meet her gaze.

There, in between the tags, was a small phoenix pendant.

“The phoenix that rises from its own ashes. A new opportunity to do better. To be better.” She gazed up to his eyes. “Every new day is a new chance, Bucky. Don’t let it go to waste.”

There was a moment of silence in the room, so Bucky took the opportunity to watch her every move.

“It is made of vibranium. I’m sure you know about it.” He could only nod because she looked at him, and he saw her eyes traveling on his face.

“I believe in you, and not only that…” With a feather-light touch, she tucked his hair behind his ears. “I can say now, from deep inside my heart and soul. With all the certainty in the world.” One hand fell to his chest and stopped near his heart. The fingers of the one that remained on his face traced his jaw and tilted his chin up. Her voice a whisper lacing him in hope. “I _trust_ you.”

At the end of her words, Lilly bent down and kissed his forehead. Her soft lips lingering on his skin, making his heart skip a beat, and his soul fill with happiness.

When she parted from him, he silently cursed everything and desperately mourned the loss of contact. When her eyes met his again, he knew he would do anything to protect her, to be with her. If only she accepted him.

And although he wanted to say something, she stood up from her place and walked out of the room, leaving him there speechless and alone.

He threw his body back onto the mattress and smiled to himself. His metal fingers playing with the small phoenix and his flesh ones tracing the skin she had just kissed.


	12. 9 reasons to go, 1 to stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In one night out with the team, Bucky takes the opportunity to ponder about his options forward.

1 – Time.

The team had decided to go out that night. Somewhere private but fun. Many ideas were discussed, but they went with Sam’s, and there they were.

The bar was one of the few who still had the 40’s style. Someone played a familiar song on the piano, and Bucky looked around the place, taking everything in.

Despite the owner’s talent in keeping the place as original as possible, the evidence that times had changed was in people’s hands. Their cellphones taking pictures or their fingers traveling on the screen, texting whoever was on the other end. The HD television on the wall replaying the last baseball match, and the sight of modern cars coming and going on the other side of the window.

His low chuckle caught Tony’s attention, and the man raised his brow in question.

“I was just thinking,…” Bucky downed the last of his drink, “I thought we would have flying cars by now.”

“Why would we need flying cars when we have the fastest planes and rides ever?” Tony looked outside the window.

“it’s just… odd.” His blue eyes fell on Steve. “Everything is so different. People, food, entertainment. So many things have changed, but when you look deep down, everything is the same.”

“I know what you mean.” Steve leaned back against his seat and got lost in his thoughts.

“I wonder If I will ever adjust. Will I one day be able to walk around and not get surprised by something?”

“I wish you were the only one.” Clint laughed. “My daughter came home the other day and…”

Bucky’s attention shifted when a man and a woman entered the place. The man came in first and headed straight to the bar ordering a drink. The woman sat by his side and gave him a peck on the lips.

The whole situation was odd. He would never enter anywhere first. He would open the door and wait for his partner to come in, make sure he found a nice table for them to sit, and then and only then get them something to drink.

This sure was a different era. Or was he still stuck in an old one?

2 – Change.

The conversation continued, and different topics were discussed. They reminisced the old times and made fun of each other.

The place was crowded, and music played in the air. Laughter and conversation intertwined with the merry tunes making the time fly by with pleasure.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Bucky observed people. The conversation revolved around things that Bucky had only heard about. New technology, new kinds of jobs, new worries. A lot of new things Bucky couldn’t understand.

Not that he was stupid or lazy, but it would take time.

It would take time for him to understand that war was over.

Time to understand that the battle had changed.

That he was open to new things.

He was free.

And that thought scared him.

3 – Apprehension.

The glass felt cold under his fingertips. When he raised it to take another sip, his lips were met with emptiness.

Running his hand over his hair, he sighed and stood up to grab another drink.

What would, no. What could he do with his freedom? Could he travel around the world? Could he get new hobbies? Could he do absolutely nothing and just sit around seeing the world change once more?

Leaning on the counter, he waited for someone to approach him and take his order.

His eyes traveled on the labels of the many bottles displayed on the wall until they saw nothing.

His mind went back to his musing about his free time, and he couldn’t help but smile. Whatever he decided to do, he was going to make the best of it.

All he wanted was to one day be able to look back and be proud of what he did, what he had accomplished.

4 – Memory.

Bucky’s life so far was full of ups and downs, and that would be fine if his ups had been more significant and longer than his downs.

A woman came into view. She stood on the other side of the counter, waiting for his order with a beautiful smile on her face. A smile that brought him back to the expo many years before.

Laughter bubbled in his chest, and he let it out, startling the woman. After apologizing and explaining to her that she reminded him of an ex, she laughed with him and walked away.

Turning his back to the counter and calming his heart down, he walked back to the table, but before reaching it, he watched with amusement how Steve tried and failed to talk to a gorgeous woman near the toilets.

“Haven’t changed much, have we Steve?”

“I have no problems talking to women now. Well, just with the ones that are too forward.” He scratched his neck.

“Always the gentleman.” Bucky winked at his friend. “Don’t blame you, though.”

There were many memories he wanted to get rid of. Things he couldn’t control, but he did anyway. Things that came back most nights to keep him awake.

But if forgetting about them meant he would have to erase moments like that, moments where he watched his friend smile, watched him be the best he could be. Then he would endure the nightmares because, as much as they weren’t many, they were reasons for him to watch the dawn.

5 – Past.

“Remember when things were easier?” They stood near the counter. Steve was leaning on a column. “When we only had to think about war and women?”

“I thought about war, and you thought about women.” Steve nudged his friend’s foot with his.

“While you were trying to enlist, I was already in the army. The prospect of dying alone in a ditch was not the best, you know?” He took a sip of his drink, and they were both in silence for a minute.

“I know. I just wanted to do my part.” Steve’s voice was low and full of pride.

“You did and still do. I’m proud of the man you were and has become, Steve.”

“Bucky, I-”

“I wanted to find a girl, you know?” He didn’t allow his friend to continue. Bucky’s eyes trained at something only he could see. “Have someone to come back to. Settle down, have a bunch of kids, and live the rest of my days in blissful misery.” His laughter was dark.

“Bucky-”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” He clapped Steve on the shoulder. “Thank you for never forgetting about me.”

“That will never happen.”

“Until the end of the line, right?” Bucky raised his hand for Steve to grab.

“Until the end of the line.” He took his friend’s hand and shook. “Always.”

They watched the people around for a few seconds until Steve broke the silence.

“You can still find a girl. Settle down, have kids.”

“Right.” His metal arm shifted without him realizing it.

“Oh! Right, sorry.” Steve flashed him a knowing smile. “You have found a girl, haven’t you?”

Chuckling more to himself, he let his head drop. His hand reached for his dog tags.

6 – Present.

His mind immediately reached for her smile, but not any smile, though. A few weeks ago, when she knocked on his door and handed him the box containing his dog tags, she also stirred a lot of things inside of him he had thought was long lost. The smile she gave him the moment she left the room filled all the cracks of his soul with hope.

It was late, and time to go back home. Telling Steve he would wait for the others outside, he closed his jacket closer to his body when the cold night air hit him as soon as he left the place.

Running his fingers over his hair and watching his breath becoming fog in the air, he remembered how warm and happy her kiss had made him.

That day he vowed to be a better man. A man worthy of her eyes, her touch, her kisses. Since then, he started the long journey of self-discovery, self-healing. It was going to be difficult, and not only that, because maybe, in the end, he wouldn’t reach the goals he set for himself. Still, it was worth it, not only for her but also for him.

He had been through so much. Always following someone. It was high time he followed none but himself.

His mind was taken from him. Meddled, toyed with, broken into pieces he wasn’t sure could be mended again. His body was explored, torn, used, and abused. His notion of self was erased. There was only order and target, goal, and death.

That wouldn’t work anymore. He was his again. His mind and body. His wishes and desires, goals, and future.

It all depended on him. He would do the best for himself.

7 – Future.

There was so much he wanted. A future where he could rest his head on the pillow and drift to the land of dreams peacefully. Where he could be more than just a soldier. He could be nothing more than himself.

Maybe someday he could find a place distant from all the fights and the world’s problems. Hadn’t he been part of both more than enough? Hadn’t he suffered for both enough? Could he one day be happy? Or would there always be something calling him back to battle?

If so, maybe, and just maybe, he could start choosing his battles. Choose who to fight for? Fight for whomever he wanted.

When the others finally exited the place, they all hopped on their vehicles and headed to the compound.

His Harley awaited not far. Getting on his bike and putting on the helmet, he saw out of the corners of his eyes a woman leaving a building on the other side of the street. Her long dark hair reminded him of midnight black eyes.

Battles were not the only ones where you strapped a gun to the shoulder and killed as many people as you could. There were also battles where you had to fight for what you believed, wanted. To make someone happy.

But would it be fair to drag someone under the bus with himself when they could be much more with him far away?

8 – Example.

If he were to have a chance of making her happy, he would have to come to peace with himself first.

He had to face his own demons and emerge victorious. Let his past be past and face the future with an open mind.

There were many people he admired. Of course, Steve was the first to come to his mind. The man wasn’t Captain America only for his looks. He was determined, fair, just, and loyal. He made mistakes, but he was always trying to correct them. He would go high and low to do what was right.

In his heart, though, she would always come first.

Steve and he could share a long history together. They had lived many things that only a handful of people could ever claim to have experienced, but Bucky and Lillian had something special.

He had killed her parents and, in doing so, had crushed a little girl’s spirit. She had sworn revenge and had spent her life looking for him. Yet, when she had him around her fingers, she chose to dig deeper. To let him go.

Would he have done the same in her place?

Would he have left the person directly responsible for the death of people he loved unconditionally go?

The traffic light turned green, and he accelerated the bike, listening to the sound of the engine drown out everything else around him.

Whatever he would have done surely would not have been as noble as what she did, and that’s precisely why he looked up to her.

9 – Emotions.

Lillian had gone through hell because of him, and still, she believed him. If that alone wasn’t something for him to admire her, she had, in the end, confessed that she trusted him.

She _trusted_ him.

The man who turned her life upside down, who took her bright future away.

Not only that, but she also gave him purpose. Direction.

She showed him that he could be better, do better. Every day was a new opportunity to leave his nightmares behind and seek his dreams.

Show the world he was a good man. Show them all what he was made of.

He wasn’t just a super-soldier. A broken man with a metal arm.

He was a man with dreams, a man filled with emotions.

Someone who wanted to reach the heavens.

A man with feelings.

10 – Her.

Bucky was overwhelmed.

Too much in too little time.

He stopped in front of his door and rested his head on the wood. His mind trying to remember her smell, her touch.

For the first time since he was free from Hydra’s grasp, he started thinking about all his options.

Even before the war, he didn’t have many of them. It seemed his life had already been chosen for him.

His clothes were long gone, and hot water dripped from his hair. The bathroom was shrouded in steam. A low moan escaped from his lips when his muscles started to relax.

The cold metal of his arm sent a shiver down his spine when he touched his nape, rolling his neck, he let water splash his face.

As soon as he closed his blue eyes, her dark ones smiled back at him.

His mind worked non-stop.

There were many reasons for him to stay away. To let her be. To crush the incessant feeling that stubbornly always insisted on emerging.

Day and night.

He always remembered her smile. Her smell. The soft touch of her lips on his skin.

He had many reasons to go, and only one to stay. One that made him smile once again.

He was deeply in love with her.


	13. Raindrops and tears.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner parties are great excuses to talk about a million different things, and that is exactly what Bucky and Lillian do.  
> Although they barely share words, what they want to say is laid bare before each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DO NOT own any of the pictures or the video linked in this chapter.

If there was one thing Bucky hated was ties. He hated how he felt constricted like someone was choking him. Not to mention they never seemed to sit right, and he had to adjust them every minute or so.

Steve had insisted that he had to go despite his many, many protests. The super soldier even dragged him to a downtown tailor shop so they would have a suit made specifically for him.

After more than one hour inside the suffocating place, they were free to go to the compound. Bucky, of course, took the way back to bombard Steve with questions as to why he was going to that length to make him look all elegant and pompous when in fact, he was more than happy to wear sweatpants and a nice simple t-shirt all day long. Steve being the best friend someone could have, only dismissed his questions with a “you’ll see,” “I’m sure you won’t regret it,” and not to mention the cryptic “You’ll thank me later, believe me.”

The last drop was when he had barely arrived at the compound, and Tony looked him up and down with a smirk on his face. The man even suggested Bucky should go to a barbershop and take good care of his beard, but not touch his hair, though.

Sick and tired of all the mystery, he left them talking and headed to his room. Not before letting them know that he was not going to whatever the hell they had planned unless he had all the answers he wanted.

A few minutes later, Steve came knocking on his door with a black envelope in his hands. Inside he found a golden paper decorated with leaves and pumpkins. Stunning lettering invited him for a Thanksgiving dinner held in the most luxurious restaurant in New York. The event was organized by no one other than Tony Stark.

Rolling his eyes at the paper in his hand and giving Steve a tired look, Bucky gave his friend the invitation back and tried to close the door with a light push. He turned his back to all that nonsense as soon as he heard the click, but his body stiffened when Steve’s words reached his ears.

“Lillian asked if you were going.” His voice was muffled on the other side.

Closing his eyes and biting his lip, Bucky relaxed his body and opened the door only to find that Steve was gone, and the envelope rested teasingly on the cold floor. With a shy smile, he picked the annoying thing and placed it on the nightstand by his bed.

And that was the only reason why Bucky had a flute on his hand watching people talking, laughing, and much probably scheming around the fancy place.

His hand reached for his tie and adjusted it for what felt like the hundredth time. Sighing, he walked further into the shadows where he wouldn’t be seen.

He had been there for over an hour and was getting restless. As much as he tried to relax, his body refused to calm down, and his mind kept looking for ways of escaping. Angry at the situation he had put himself into, he walked to the nearest table and placed his still full flute on the soft fabric. Determined to leave the place and already coming up with excuses to apologize to everyone, and especially to Lillian, he walked towards one of the emergency exits. As soon as he turned, he saw her.

She looked beautiful, no, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on. Her silver [dress](https://www.amazon.com/images/I/61cAjPFZBIL._AC_SL1084_.jpg) was simple but elegant, giving her an aura of peacefulness. Her midnight black hair was [braided](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/5b/63/c9/5b63c96b9862044308bb206781086df3.jpg) and decorated with small flowers, which made him chuckle. She looked like an angel sent from the heavens just to look after him, but only a few in there knew that if she wanted, she could knock most of the people present without even a tear in her dress nor a hair out of place. Flabbergasted, he caught himself smiling at her when her eyes met his.

Ignoring everyone around, she walked in his direction. The dark lipstick only enhanced her beauty, and her bewitching smile lit her face. Her perfume envelope all his senses. Its flowery smell, somehow, reminded him of home and safety. Her fingers on his skin were silk against sand. Her voice luring him into abandon. Her eyes saving him from damnation.

“Good evening, James.” His name on her lips made the goosebumps ground him to that moment. “I hope I didn’t ruin your quiet escape.” She tilted her head in the door’s direction.

“To be honest, I was already coming up with apologies.” He traced her face with his fingertips. Her hair caressing his heated skin.

“Oh,…” she lifted her hands and adjusted his tie, making him aware of how close they were, “may I hear the one you were cooking for me.” Her lips close to his ear.

Looking back at her, his mind went blank, and he struggled to form words, so he resigned with a shrug that led her to laugh quietly.

“Mind to keep me company?” She held his arm. Her pale skin contrasted with the black fabric of his [suit](https://data.whicdn.com/images/312834370/original.jpg).

“Gladly.” He reassured her with a smile and allowed her to lead him around the place.

Much to his surprise, Lillian knew quite a few of the people. She explained that they were family acquaintances, and she had to deal with them once or twice, although she preferred to be on a suicide mission, she still had to take care of her family business.

A couple of hours later when the mingling ended, and the guests started to be sited, Bucky found himself admiring her from far away, since his seat and hers were located at different tables. Although the Avengers surrounded him, his body longed for her warmth, and his heart ached for her soul.

Tony gave his speech and reminded everyone of the purpose of the dinner. At the end of his words, the band reorganized to play, but not before one of the players surprised everyone when she invited Lillian to play with them.

Her eyes immediately fell on his. Her cheeks were blushed, and she soon averted his gaze. Apologizing, she turned the invitation down, explaining that she hadn’t played in years and that she was afraid to make a fool of herself. Words that Tony used against her, stating that he never knew she was part of the band and that he would be eternally grateful if she blessed their ears with her talent.

Although she wanted to refuse once again, there was no way she would be able to do it without being rude. And that was how Bucky watched the way she lifted the skirt of her dress to get up on the temporary stage, allowing him a glimpse of her pale skin.

She gave the other woman a tight hug and held the violin in her hands like a mother would do to her child. Her eyes shone under the low light, and her lips turned up in an incredible smile. Bucky could only compare the scene to friends reunited after long years apart.

They whispered among themselves, and he could only imagine they were choosing what to play. As soon as she lifted the instrument and it touched her face, the murmur died down to complete silence.

After a deep breath and a glance towards Bucky, Lilly’s bow caressed the strings. The [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOk8WdZOjQI) was slow at first, and everyone’s attention was solely on her.

Her hands moved like ripples on a quiet river. Her fingers kissed the strings with delicate precision. The bow touched the violin as someone who held to his lover, trying to save their souls. Her body a moving sculpture of an ancient goddess. The dress caressing her body, making Bucky’s fingers tremble with jealously. Her eyes closed, and her mind lost in thoughts that no one could guess, but as soon as the first tear rolled down her face, he knew.

He knew what she was thinking because when the sound of the strings and drums reached him, it made his heart beat faster, and his mind focused on things he could only guess.

Bucky saw a young girl curled on her mother’s dead body while the rain beat the window’s glass. The cold night air assaulting her small frame, sending shivers down her spine. Shivers filled with fear, confusion, loneness, and rage.

A teenager lost without her parent’s guidance. Her first crush, her first love, her first fight.

How her life was turned upside down on her birthday day. A day that was supposed to be happy, perfect. When her innocence and naivety could flourish, and her smile captured in beautiful photographs.

The moment she decided she was going to end her suffering. She was going to end her nightmare by killing him. He could sense inside his heart how much she had struggled and hurt.

Another tear rolled down her face, and the music came to an end. With a glance around, he noticed how everyone was silent, battling their own inner demons. His eyes sought her face, and she watched him.

With a simple bow, she left the stage, and a round of applause filled the place.

Bucky rose from his seat and went after her. He was able to see her dress disappear through a closing door. When he exited the place, she was nowhere to be found. He looked up and down the street with his heart in his mouth.

The first drops of rain fell on his face, and something pulled him down the street, towards a dark alley. The lightning illumined his surroundings, and he saw a figure hunched down in the center of the place. The loud thunder made her shudder, and her silver dress got soaked with the heavy rain that descended upon them.

With just a few steps, Bucky neared her, and his arms immediately embrace her. And although the rain fell heavily on them, he could clearly hear her sobs.

Pulling her body close to his, he lifted her face so he could look into her eyes. And what he saw in there made him break. She looked so fragile and small. Nothing near the strong woman he admired so much.

His trembling fingers tucked her hair behind her ear. And once again, he found himself pulling her closer to him.

He wanted to protect her. To give her peace and happiness. To give her everything he had stolen from her. If only… if only she would allow him.

Bucky was ready to make the changes he needed in order to be a better man, but he needed guidance. He needed someone by his side who wouldn’t let him fall, wouldn’t let him go back to the vicious cycle inside his head.

He also knew that he could help her. He would be there to help with whatever she needed. To talk, to scream, to fight… to love. He could, no, he was going to show her that he was a different man, a man that was ready to bear his heart to her.

He could only hope that what he showed her would lead her to open her heart to him. That she would guide him through the twists and turns, that she would love him as much as he loved her. Because he loved her with all he had.

That thought revealed what his heart already knew, but his mind insisted on ignoring.

His mind came to an abrupt stop when he felt her fingers closing around his lapels. Her face was buried in the crook of his neck, but her voice was as clear as the night she saved him from himself.

“I’m sorry.” Another thunder, another shudder. “Please forgive me, Bucky.”

As much as he tried to understand why she was begging for forgiveness, his mind failed to give him answers.

“I should have done more. I should have dug deeper way before-” He cut her words.

“Lilly, what-”

“I should have known you were as much as a victim as I was. I should have saved you years ago.” Her words struck him like the lightning traveling through the night sky. That’s was the reason why she had cried.

“Please, don’t…”

“I was afraid…”

“Lilly, please!” It was his time to beg. “Just… please.” He placed his lips on her forehead, and his tears got lost among the raindrops on his face.

The rain was gone, just like it came. They remained crouched and entwined in the center of that poorly lit alley. Their clothes soaked, but their bodies warm.

He faced her again, and her fingers found his face. Trying and failing, but trying to clean his tears, to chase his demons away.

Her thumb found his lips and caressed them with a delicious feeling. He leaned on her touch and closed his eyes. His flesh fingers massaging her neck while his metal hand kept her close. His body begging her to stay near his forever.

She moved to stand on her knees. Her body towering his. Her hands on each side of his face. Her eyes locked on his. His hands holding hers. Her heart beating as fast as his.

He gave her right wrist light feather kisses. Feeling her pulse with his lips. His fingers intertwined in hers, pulling her hand close to his face, caressing it with his cheek.

She pulled his face up again. Her nose touched his chin and slowly made its way up to his nose. His breath on her face, the smell of champagne on his lips. His hair curled around her cold fingers.

“James,” she whispered on his mouth and felt him shivering under her touch.

He stood on his knees as well, and then things had changed; he was taller than her. His hand rested on the small of her back, bringing her closer, closing the space until they were one.

His nose touched her lips, and he kissed her chin. His lips trailing her face, leaving a blazing trail on her cold skin.

“James,” her voice so sweet. All he wanted was to get lost in that moment. Drown in her words, her scent, her body, and her soul, “promise you’ll stay with me.”

“For as long as you wish, so I’ll stay.” He kissed her eyes, and with a swift movement, he stood, holding her in his arms.

She held him close. Her face buried in the crook of his neck. Her warm breath on his skin, making sure he knew she wasn’t going anywhere.

The footsteps he had heard before much closer. Turning the corner of the alley, he came face to face with Steve.

Without a word, his friend took them to his car and drove them back to the compound. She slept on his arms all the way over there. His eyes never left her face; his fingers never stopped running over her hair.

He took her to her room, and even after she woke up and left his arms to shower and go to bed, he remained by her door. His forehead resting on the wooden door, his mind back in a poorly lit alley.


	14. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lillian hates rain. She hates it because it brings thunders with it.  
> The loud noise always brings the worst in her, and the only thing she has left is to look for safety.

The steam leaked under the bathroom door, filling the dark room with questions and confusion. The curtain half drawn hiding the threatening clouds that hid the starry night.

The hot water slid down her skin and dripped onto the white floor, running down the drain, taking with it her thoughts and leaving her mind a complete and absolute blank.

Her trembling fingers ran over her hair and face, forcing her to come back to the present. Her thoughts had wandered and wondered, come and gone, but always in an endless circle. His lips on her skin and his body close to hers. His voice sure and unafraid… His promise filled with honesty and hope.

There was no mistaking the sincerity in his eager eyes. He would stay with her no matter what came against them. Death and life. Order and consequence. Soldier and civilian. The white wolf and the flower. Man and woman. Bucky and Lillian. One.

Her eyes closed when her lungs filled with the shower steam. Her body started shaking because the heat of the box was long gone, so she took her hand from the closed valve and reached for her towel. Giving her body a quick dry, she stepped out of the place and stood in front of the mirror.

Cleaning the foggy mirror with her left hand, she studied her tired face with a long deep sigh. Cold water dripped from her hair on her warm skin, making her aware of her surroundings. The leave-in she kept on the bathroom reminded her that she was somewhere safe. Home.

Her fingers dug into the cream and combed her hair. Even if she didn’t want to, she couldn’t help but remember his fingers on it. The hairdryer stopped the cold droplets, and she was almost ready to bed.

Throwing the towel on the bedroom floor, she allowed the night wind to caress her body. An old and oversized t-shirt would have to be enough, she didn’t want anything against her skin, and so a comfy pair of boyshorts finished her looks. Wanting to end the long day, she dragged her feet to her bed, where she fell with low noise, throwing the covers over her.

The small space in the open curtain allowed the place to be lit with the moon’s shy light. Her rhythmic breathing was the only sound reverberating the walls, but the heavy clouds that neared the compound silently wanted to remind her that not all was finished. The night was still young.

The first thunder shook her body awake. Her hands clasped the cover when she bolted upright on the bed. Wide-eyed, she stared at the starless sky and bit her lower lip. Cursing, she threw the fabric over her head and hid from the world in the comfortable and familiar dark. Unfortunately, that familiarity brought with it old ghosts, old demons.

Bruised knuckles and face. Hair caked with blood. Smoke rising from a gun. Her head high when she put it away under her clothes, the heat of the barrel burning her skin. Too many faces. Too many sins.

She could swear the thunder shook the windows; the cold raindrops that followed it hit the glass in search of her. To lash out, to remind, to punish her for her mistakes. Another thunder, and her body was thrown out of bed. She covered her ears with both hands and swung back and forth.

The lightings crossing the sky sending devilish shadows on the walls. The dark figures mocking her for being weak. Yelling at her to end it all. Cursing her soul to hell.

Curling down on the floor, she saw light coming from outside, and she crawled towards safety. Her fingers opened the door, and she knew exactly how she could be saved.

* * *

Bucky turned the shower off and carelessly dried his body and hair. Without looking at the mirror, he left the bathroom and sat on his bed. His fingers ran over his face and stopped at his lips. With a wistful sigh, he lay on his bed after putting on his grey t-shirt.

A sudden knock on his door caught his attention, and he lazily stood up, taking his time to tuck his hair behind his ear.

His hand curled around the knob, and the knocking began once again, this time louder and more urgent. His heart raced, and he could feel the adrenaline kicking in. When he opened the door, Lilly’s eyes stared at him wide-eyed, and terror greeted him from deep inside them.

He pulled the door open for her to enter, her figure taking his breath with her. Instead of heading to the chair or the bed, she crouched on the darkest corner and hugged her knees. It was funny how things had changed.

“I’m here.” He walked to her after pushing the door close. Shrouding them in half-darkness. “I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled her onto his lap and tucked her hair behind her ear. His hand never left her waist.

Bucky watched the way she looked at him. Her eyes traveling over his features. How she raised her trembling hand to caress his cheek. The way she curled on his lap when a thunder made its presence known.

“James, I…” Her fragile voice made him feel furious. The anger inside him flared.

Why did his name on her lips make him feel like that? Why did it make him want to fight the world? He would give her all and everything. No questions asked, no time wasted.

He would fight and win. He would kill and die.

She only needed to ask.

But why? Why and how she had so much power over him?

Fuck!

Things would be easier if she didn’t make him feel vulnerable. Comfortable and in charge of himself again.

Needed. Wanted.

In love.

His eyes never left her quivering lips. Teasing, imploring, saying his name.

“Please,” her fingers found his nape, her nails digging into his skin. Closing her eyes, a single thick tear rolled down her face. A simple request left her mouth, one that changed it all, “please, James.” She pulled him closer and whispered on his lips. “Kiss me.”

The world had stopped or was it just his heart? Had everything always been that perfect, or was it her lips on his that changed it all?

Bucky had been through a lot, but nothing compared to the heady sensations he was feeling. Her teeth grazed his lip, only to have her tongue slide over it. Her fingers pushed his head back just enough for a whimper to escape her mouth and make him lose complete control. He was at her mercy and he didn’t want it any other way.

“James.” There it was again. His name on her lips, his will on her hands. Her mouth found his again. The kiss was urgent, demanding, but most of all, it was merciful; bliss.

The one thing he wanted most was in his arms. His hidden desire became true, she gave him water when he had wandered the desert for years. She gave him food when he had starved for decades. She gave him breath when he was dead for centuries.

His hands lifted her to accommodate her better on his lap. Her legs were bare, and his hands traveled on her body, his flesh fingers could feel every bump on her excited skin.

There, with her legs on both sides of him, kneeling on the floor so she could tower him and push him against the cold wall, she was once again the powerful woman he admired so much. The goddess who came to be with him.

His fingers dug her waist and brought her down, closer to him. His lips trailed down her jaw, desperate wishing to hear her moaning again, moaning because of him. Her whimpers only urged him on, but it was only when his teeth met her neck that he heard her sweet unrestrained plea.

She tilted his chin up, cupping his face and claiming his mouth once again. His hands traveled down her waist, his mind cursing the fabric of her t-shirt. As soon as his metal hand brushed her skin, he noticed the way her body reacted, trembling under his touch. His hands rested under her thighs, bringing her body ever so close, when there was no more space left in between them, his arms embraced her. One hand pulling her head down harder to his lips, the other on the small of her back, keeping her in place.

Her hands made their way down, her fingers splayed across his chest, pushing him just enough to find the hem of his t-shirt and take it off, throwing it over her head. One of her hands stopped on his chest, the fingers of the other traced the scars on his shoulder and caressed them.

Her eyes met his, but instead of repulsion, he only saw him. Him the man, not the soldier. The lover, not the murderer.

His hand held her elbow. His thumb lightly ran up her skin until it found her wrist. His lips found her pulse point. His eyes observed her watching his every move. With the tip of his index finger, he caressed her palm until he held her hand and placed it again against his scars, cradling it there. She bit her lip, and all he wanted was to kiss her again and get lost in her touch, but she leaned forward, taking her hand from his chest and caressing his lower lip with her thumb.

He felt his head hit the wall behind him when her mouth touched his neck, and her teeth nibbled his earlobe. His fingers tightened the grasp around her hand when he heard her whisper his name in his ear. A sinful moan escaped him when she raked her nails down his stomach, reaching for his sweatpants.

“Are you sure about this?” His voice was strained when he got a hold of her hands, stopping her from going further a path he didn’t know he could stop. He _didn’t want_ to stop. His eyes remained closed; he didn’t want to see her face the moment she would reject him.

“Look at me.” His head bumped the wall again, he refused to let her see his soul being crushed. Not again, not by her. “James…” Fuck! Why did she have to say his name? Didn’t she know what she did to him? All those trigger words just got replaced by one. One he eagerly waited to hear. His head tilted up, and his eyes bore into hers. “I trust you.” It was all he needed to hear.

He pulled her close once again. Standing up, he felt her legs hooking around his waist, her hands splayed across his back and her mouth against his.

They fell on the bed, and Bucky got rid of her t-shirt, finally allowing himself to feel her, taste her… _pleasure_ her.

His tongue made circles around her nipples, and he couldn’t help but indulge in them. His knee between her thighs gave him perfect space to slowly circle her clit. He felt her shiver and heard her moaning. He trailed her body up with kisses until he reached her mouth, claiming it with fervor.

Her body reacted to his touch. Her nails on his scalp eliciting moans from his mouth, sending goosebumps all over his body. Making him whisper her name like a mantra.

Lillian’s breath hitched, and he watched her tilt her head back and close her eyes. His heart beat faster. All he wanted was to burn that image in his head, turn that scene a forever moment. Love her every second of the day.

Her chest rose and fell. Her lips parted, and he took advantage to kiss her. His fingers always moving, not letting her think. Suddenly her arms circled his neck, her forehead touched his. Her moaning escaping her mouth and her body trembling under his.

He watched her. So beautiful, so powerful, and his.

Between kissing her all over and caressing her body, he gave her time to catch her breath. To fully come down from her high.

She still had her eyes closed when she smiled. His nose brushed hers when she looked at him. She tucked his hair behind his ear and just stood there, observing his face, tracing his features.

Tilting her head up, she kissed him. Her hand pushed his body over until he was on his back. She straddled him, her eyes watching his chest rise and fall, her fingers brushing his skin.

“You’re perfect.” Her smile open and honest. He parted his lips to reply, but she shushed him with a light kiss. “Perfect,” she whispered on his lips.

Leaving open mouth kisses on her way down, she teased him with her tongue, licking under the hem of his sweatpants. After what felt like an eternity, his body was bare for her to admire. And she did so, eating him with her eyes.

His gaze never left her body when she stood to get rid of her boyshorts. He swallowed hard when she crawled on the bed and sat on his thighs. Her nails leaving light rosy marks on his skin. His chest, his stomach, and his thighs displaying her power over him.

Her smile made him crave her lips on his, but she was quicker and pushed him down, back on the bed. Sitting on his lap, she forced him to watch her slowly sinking onto him.

Bucky tasted blood when he bit his moan shut. His fingers grabbed her waist, and as much as he tried to control himself, he knew there would be bruises on her heated skin came morning.

His back arched when she was fully sited. His thumbs made circles around her hip.

They looked at each other and not even the thunders outside their little bubble, their little private moment interrupted their connection.

They were one.

He was hers, and she was his.

And it wasn’t just a thought. A mere wish whispered into the darkness. They were together for real this time.

No one would take them apart.

Bucky’s flesh hand traced her legs, feeling her trembling under his touch. She leaned on his chest and started to move. His metal hand landed on her waist and helped her set a delicious pace.

They had all the time in the world, and he let her enjoy herself. He watched her body react to him and listened to the sounds coming from her. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her wrist. He felt her around him and unable to control himself, sat up on the bed, and embraced her. His flesh fingers between them and his metal ones holding her in place.

Lost in time and in themselves, they didn’t notice when the rain stopped. His focus solely on her and hers on him.

He wanted to hear more from her. Whispering, saying, screaming his name. Telling him to pleasure her, but from her mouth, he only heard gasps and moans, and that was better than any words.

Hands roughly grabbing his shoulders, trying to keep balance. Her face buried on his neck. Her mouth sucking on his skin.

She kissed him. Desperately, deeply and then gently.

Her lips telling him how much she wanted him, needed him… _trusted_ him.

“James,” her voice silk in his ears, “promise me.” Her breath on his face, her eyes looking at him.

“I’m yours, Lilly.” He pulled her close. His hands on her waist, keeping the heated pace of their lovemaking.

“And I, yours.” She rested her forehead on his, and they got lost in their climax.

When her breathing became shallow in his arms, and her body grew relaxed, he carefully laid her on the bed. Her head rested on his flesh arm while his metal fingers drew patterns on her skin.

She turned to face him and planted a small kiss on his nose. Giggling when he looked at her surprised, she sat on the bed with her back to him.

“Lilly?” His chest was suddenly heavy. Had he done something wrong? Had he misinterpreted everything?

Turning her head over her shoulder, she reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers, pulling him out of bed and leading him to the bathroom.

After a quick shower and lots of kisses, they returned to bed, where Bucky pulled her to sleep with her head on his chest and his fingers running over her head. Right before falling asleep himself, he saw her tangle her leg on his and place her hand on his shoulder, pulling him closer to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very good at this kind of thing, and to be honest, I was terrified to post this one... so any feedback here would be immensely appreciated.  
> Thanks for reading!


	15. Duty calls.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duty calls and they have to go. The situation reminds Lillian that they are soldiers and they have to do whatever it takes to save lives... but is she ready to face the implications of that?

Still in bed hearing his soft breathing, Lilly smiled to herself. The warmth of his kisses lingering on her skin and lips.

His chest touched her back, and his metal arm kept her close to him. His legs locked her in place, but she didn't mind, she had no intention of leaving his bed for the rest of the day.

Her face burned when the memory of his lustful sounds came back to her mind. The ghost of his touch leaving heated trails all over her body. Not capable of shutting down her desires, she turned to wake him up with a kiss.

It seemed she had spent the last minutes planning her day for nothing, because as soon as she started turning, the alarm rang all over the compound, starting her fighting response immediately. With a couple of steps, she was at the door.

She didn't need to look back to know that Bucky was already on his feet as well. Before leaving the room she stopped and turned, her eyes fell on him with an unspoken plea.

"We'll talk when we get back, okay?" he spoke looking directly into her eyes. Only when she nodded, he resumed his actions, and she left the place heading to her room.

Fifteen minutes later, the Avengers were taking their positions inside the quinjet. Steve and Tony discussing the emergency while everyone else listened.

The flight was a long one, not because it was far away, but because Lillian had too many things in her mind. Too many things she'd rather never had thought about.

Things had been peaceful. Even Steve had given them some time off, so why the hell did that have to happen now? When she finally had Bucky in her arms, when they had finally confessed they had feelings for each other shit had to hit the fan… Couldn't they had given them one day? Just one day? Was that too much to ask? She was mad, and whoever did that was going to pay. She just wanted to have him in her arms again. Sighing, she looked to her side and saw that Bucky was focused. His eyes trained outside the window.

And just like that, all that anger and hatred were gone. Despair took their place, and she felt her heart stop. Whatever waited for them, could be the last thing they did together.

The thought that she could lose him, like water slipping between her fingers, made her take slow deep breaths. Her eyes prickled, and she looked at the grey clouds outside the window. The memories of them together brought tears to her eyes. For a moment, and only for a brief moment, she hated him.

She hated him way more than when he was her enemy, when things were much simpler for them both.

Why did he have to make her feel like that? What right did he have? How did she allow him to sneak between the cracks of her broken heart? Make it beat again when she thought only cold stone was left?

Swallowing hard those emotions before they spilled through her eyes, she straightened her spine and stretched. Her closed eyes brought the sound of his voice to her ears. His words bathed in surrender.

_"I'm yours."_

A shiver ran through her body, leaving goosebumps in its wake. The jet landed on the ruins of a city in the middle of the forest. The eerie silence of the place predicted awful things to come, so she searched the area. Her examination ended when Bucky gave her a firm nod before cocking his gun and walking forward.

Steve ordered her to go with Natasha and Clint to scout the place while the others went in different directions. There was no way they didn't see them landing, and she was growing restless by the minute. They hadn't walked more than three minutes between the thick tall trees, when they heard the first sound of gunfire. Lilly's heart stopped.

"Bucky…" She ran in his direction.

The path was intercepted, and a group of men engaged them in a fight. Clint loosed his arrows while she and Nat went up close. Whoever they were, they were well trained and skilled. It took them longer than she liked to reach the others.

Panting, she held her right side, where a stab wound made its presence known. She searched the place for him, but in the chaos of the fighting, it was difficult to stop and concentrate. They arrived at a dilapidated building, where Steve fought a group by himself.

"They are hiding in that building," he managed to tell them. "We don't have much time. They have hostages."

Confirming with nods, the trio started to make their way to the place, but gunfire rained down upon them, obligating them to stop their advance. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bucky shoot a man in the head and close the distance between him and the building. He was going inside… alone.

The realization that he was going inside a place crowded with enemies with no backup or whatsoever, hit her at the same time the sound of the thunder reverberated all around. Her body trembled.

It shook with apprehension and disbelief but mostly fear.

She was sure he was going to look for cover and wait for someone. He would never risk his life like that. Throwing himself in such danger when his team surrounded him. One minute. It was all she asked him to wait.

Sixty seconds and she would be there by his side. Having his back. Protecting him.

His words played in her mind over and over and over.

_"We’ll talk when we get back.”_

Yes, they still had much to talk about. A lot to plan. He told her they would get back. What was he thinking? After everything they had been through. After making her fall in love with him.

_“I’m yours.”_

He was hers, and she would be damned, but she hadn’t allowed him to play the ultimate sacrifice card. He better get that idea out of his mind.

Ice-blue eyes found her, and she froze. She wanted to run, to scream, and to curse him. To beat his ass and drag him back to cover. To beg him not to leave her alone. Not again, not without him.

His eyes were linked with hers for a little over a second. Enough time for her to slightly shake her head. To plead with him.

She saw him lower his eyes and soon disappear in the darkness of an open door.

The gray clouds that hung over them pulsed with life. The angry lights that illuminated the sky sent cold shivers down her spine. The mighty roar of the thunders beat with her heart.

In the blink of an eye, the fighting around her stopped. The only sounds of battle came from the building ahead of her, where Bucky fought alone.

Steve approached. His hand landed on her shoulder, but his eyes on the building ahead of them.

She stood to be by his side and hear his orders.

"We need to free-"

His words were cut off when an explosion took the place down.

Dust and debris were all over the place. She could barely see in front of her. The only good thing was that they were far enough not to be hit, the horrible thing was that no movements came out of the place.

She knew people were running. Thor and Hulk came closer to them. Natasha and Clint talked on her far right while Tony hovered in the air near the rubble. And Steve… he desperately tried to reach Bucky by cleaning a path with his bare hands.

An indistinguishable voice ringed on her ear, but it was Bucky's that she heard.

_“For as long as you wish, so I’ll stay.”_

The gods decided that was the perfect moment to let the rain drench the forest, and the raindrops hid her tears.

She cried.

She cried because it was the only thing she could do. The only thing she knew how to do at that moment.

He was gone. He left her after all the promises. She wanted him there, so why didn’t he stay?

The rain was cruel.

There were lightning and thunders. The water hit her body like needles. Dulling her senses.

Someone was screaming. A painful scream. One coming from a torn soul.

Her throat hurt and burned.

The scream never stopped.

Her eyes sought the heavens, and she cursed. She cursed him, but mostly her.

She was an idiot. A fool that thought she could be happy. Make someone happy. No.

She was nothing more than a hopeless child. A person that would always need someone to save her.

He had promised her he would stay. So why didn’t he come?

Didn’t he know that she was suffering? That she was weak and all alone?

Her knees buckled, and she hid her face between her hands. The air smelled of rain, but the scent of desperation hid behind every drop. Her hot tears got lost in the coldness of the laughing weather.

His hands on her skin. His mouth on hers. His warmth reviving her soul. It was now just another memory. One more that would haunt her nights. Keep her awake in the frightening darkness.

She looked up. Somehow she had gotten closer to the mountain of rubble. The scene in front of her would be heart-wrenching if she still felt anything.

Hulk and Thor had joined Steve in his attempt to carve a path. Tony had his helmet off and was saying something her mind was too numb to understand.

And there, once again helpless, she stayed kneeling on the forest ground.

She desperately wanted to help them. To dig until her fingers bled, but she couldn’t move. Her body was no longer hers. No longer because she had given him everything, and with him gone, she was just a shell. A promise of what could have been.

Her eyes stayed on them. Praying, hoping… crying.

Could that be?

Sound on the left side of the rubble made all eyes turn in its direction.

There was a second explosion, and movement made everyone tense. The rain was still relentless, making it difficult to see.

Someone who could barely hold themselves together stumbled down the debris. Their knees hit the hard ground.

Steve started running; his arms encircled the person. Their embrace was swift because the person started walking again. Whoever they were, they were closing the distance. Their feet confident in their steps.

Her eyes were blurred because of the constant rain, but the closer the person got, the more she recognized the man.

His hair was wet and stuck all over his face. Despite the rain, his clothes were dirty with dust, and there were many holes in his uniform. As much as her brain tried to tell her that that man was Bucky, her heart had given up hoping.

There he was. Standing tall in front of her. He kneeled to be face to face with her. When his hand touched her cheek, the electricity that traveled her body turned a switch on, and once again, she was alive.

Her hand found his face, and it immediately turned an angry red.

“You promised.” Her voice was low and loaded with emotion.

Without a word he bent down, closing the already small space between them, and kissed her.

At first, the kiss was delicate. It was apologetic, gentle, and full of love, but she was desperate to have him in her arms again and didn't care if they were in the middle of a war zone or alone. Her hands found his uniform and pulled him close, deepening the kiss.

He was alive.

He was back.

He was with her.

And she would never let him go again.


	16. Deal.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Bucky back into her arms, they have to stop and have a serious conversation.

His arms embraced her when their lips parted. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he whispered apologies on her skin. Her trembling hand keeping him close made him regret his decision, and all he wanted to do was to take her away from there, from everything, and simply disappear.

Take her somewhere where he would never see her cry those tears again. Tears of fear, tears of despair.

Without waiting for no one, he took her in his arms and lifted her from the ground. Her face hidden on his chest, and her sobs louder than the accusatory rain. Her warmth was all he needed when he entered the quinjet and headed to the cargo compartment where they would be alone. One by one, the others arrived, and they went back to the compound.

The trip was quicker, but the need to be close to each other made it feel faster than the speed of the light. They didn’t speak. No words would ever be enough to explain how happy they were to be together again.

As soon as they arrived, Steve gave the team some time to shower before the meeting to discuss what had happened.

Lillian’s fingers were intertwined with Bucky’s all their way to his room, not even when he pulled her close and kissed her wrist, closing his eyes when he felt her pulse on his lips, did she let him go.

His lungs filled when she started to strip him of his clothes. A heavy and trembling sigh left him when she started to kiss his injures. Her lips trailing their way across his scars ordered his eyelids to close and his brain to just _feel_. Her breath on his neck and ear was music in the air. Her mouth claiming his was a reminder that she was his.

There was no urgency on her movements, nor sexual desire. Just closeness, intimacy. Desire to feel and _be_.

His fingers found the hem of her uniform, and with all the care in the world, he removed it. Rough callouses touched her welcoming body, silently worshiping every part of her skin. He breathed her in. Nose pressed against her collarbone, making its way to her mouth to steal one more kiss before heading to the shower.

The hot water washed their bodies and soul. Lilly’s fingers massaged his scalp, washing away all the dirt and worries, while his fingers traveled over her body massaging the tense knots, and kissing them with soft lips.

When they were clean and done, he pulled her close, circling her in an embrace and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Her lips leaving kisses on his neck and smiles on his jaw. His dog tags dancing between her fingertips.

Stepping into the room, Lilly realized she had no clothes of her own, but Bucky simply handed her one of his sweatpants and t-shirt for the time being. He sat on bis bed and carefully watched her change, his eyes capturing every centimeter of her body and committing it to memory.

She sauntered to him and stood between his thigs, his hands landing on the back of her knees, and his eyes pouring into hers. Her smile lifting his spirit.

“I’m sorry.” His voice hoarse and quiet, almost a murmur. His hand reaching for her cheek.

“Why?” She leaned on his touch, feeling his warmth. “What were you thinking?” She looked at him. Her lower lip caught between her teeth. “You promised you’d stay.”

“I know.” He buried his face on her stomach. His hands finding her elbows and caressing them. “I… I was afraid.”

She kneeled between his legs and rested her head on his knee. His attention on her but his eyes on the ceiling.

“Look at me, James.” Her voice soothing and pleading. He sighed and lowered his eyes to meet hers. His hands on each side of her face.

“I don’t want to lose you.” He kissed her forehead. “Just the thought of being without you terrifies me.” He felt his eyes burn. “I wanted to protect you.”

Lillian had to breathe several times before she spoke. Her resentful words leaving her mouth through gritted teeth.

“So?” She pushed his hands away to give him a good and thorough look. “Do you think I’m not terrified too?” When he opened his mouth to speak she stood up.

She paced the room trying to organize her troubled thoughts.

“I thought you had died!” Her voice loud. Her hands balled by her sides. “I had you in my arms only yesterday. Do you have any idea of what I felt when I saw that place going down?”

Bucky stood as well and tried to touch her. She scoffed and walked away from him.

“I hated you for such a long time. All I wanted was to stick my blade into your heart and watch you die while my smile was the last thing you saw.” Bucky’s shoulder sagged. “Then you came back into my life and made a mess of everything I thought was true. You turned my life upside down.” She ran her fingers over her hair. “You destroyed everything I had, and then I was left with nothing. I had to rebuild every aspect of me. My beliefs, my morals, me. Me! Do you have any idea how much it was difficult? How much it hurt?”

“Yes.” His eyes didn’t meet hers. He had gone through the same change.

“Then why the hell would you do that to me?” She took a step forward, but he was the one to walk away.

“Lillian, listen-”

“No! You listen to me!” She turned him to her. “I thought I had nothing, but oh my! Was I wrong! I didn’t have to look further because there you were. And with that I mean… you were always there. On my highest and my lowest. I was so confused! I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t.” She hugged herself. “Every time you touched or looked at me, you stirred something inside my heart. Something I thought I couldn’t feel.” She sighed, and the place was filled with an uncomfortable silence. Heavy thoughts bouncing on the walls.

“When I finally understood what it was, it was too late to go back. You were… You are my rock, my base, and foundation.” She sat on the bed. “When you… died… I…” She took a deep, shaky breath. “I died too. I felt hollow, empty,… cold.”

Bucky let his tears fall. He had done what he had promised not to do. He hurt her. His guilty ran deep, and he wanted to disappear, but it would only make matters worse, so he approached her and kneeled in front of her, his hands on her knees.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Lilly. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I understand that it was confusing and all. It must have been difficult to see me for me and nothing else, and I am grateful that you do. That you accept me as a friend, a man, and a lover.” His metal thumb dried her tears. “Because you are my rock too. When I was trapped in there, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Desperately wishing to see you again, to touch and kiss you. To have you in my arms.” He pulled her down onto his lap. “Even before Hydra, I never felt like this. You are the first thought when I wake up and the last before I fall asleep, and many times in between too.” She chuckled, and he felt his chest a little lighter. “I’m sorry. I’ve caused you so much harm that I want to protect you even if it costs everything.”

“Don’t, please.” She stirred in his lap, turning to face him. “I want to protect you too, and if we keep trying to do it like that, we will die before we get the chance to… to… damn it!”

Having trouble to word her thoughts, she kissed him. Her movement made him fall back, and she straddled him. The kiss was slop and impatient. Deep down, it was demanding and desperate. She wanted to say that she loved him, but for some reason couldn’t. Not yet.

“I sure hope to kiss you again many times before I die.” He chuckled when she slapped his shoulder playfully.

“Shut up!” Her laughter filled the room. “Let’s make a deal, okay?” She peppered his face with small kisses. “I will not go on a suicide mission, and neither will you. We will always go together and have each other’s back. How does that sound, huh?”

She played with his dog tags. Her nose touching his. Her hair loose on his face.

“It’s a deal.” He tucked her hair behind her ears to get a good look at her smile. “How about we seal it with a kiss?”

Without a second to lose, her mouth found his.


	17. The only way.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky experiences something he has never had in his life, and he couldn't be more surprised at how much he always wished for it.

Still drying his hair, Bucky entered the small kitchen to lightly kiss Lilly’s shoulder, and before she was able to slap his hand away, he caught a baby carrot and shoved it in his mouth. The face she gave him made his lips curl upwards.

Hanging the towel away to dry, he looked outside the window. The neighborhood was calm and residential. There was a square a few houses down the street, and it was visible from the fourth-floor apartment. During the day, he could hear the children playing while a few cars drove past the street below. The downstairs neighbor loved jazz, and they could listen to him playing his trumpet all afternoon.

Running his finger over his damp hair, and then leaning on the windowsill, he watched the stars above the night sky. A few fireflies flew between the trees below, and the sound of the crickets blended with the stirring of pots coming from the kitchen.

Turning his back to the life outside, he walked to Lilly and finished cutting the potatoes and chicken while she stirred the sauce for the penne. His attention was disrupted when she started to kiss the back of his neck, trailing her lips to his shoulder.

Still smiling, he took a glass bowl and placed it on the counter for Lilly to finish seasoning the chicken while he set the table and turned the radio on. Coming back to the kitchen, he noticed she had finished with the chicken and potatoes but was busy with the penne, so he decided to put it in the oven. With her in front of it, he bent down and started giving her little bites on her waist until she laughed and stepped to the side, giving him space to open the oven.

Bucky washed the dishes while she looked for the bottle of wine she had bought for him and cut some lime slices to go with her water since she didn’t drink. Taking the opportunity of her distracted attention, he hugged her from behind and kissed the top of her head. His hands reached hers, and together they finished cutting the last lime.

Lilly added the last seasoning to the sauce, and Bucky took the wine and water to the table. Now all they had to do was to wait for the food to get ready.

Leaning on the chair and giving the small apartment a loving inspection, Bucky heard the beginning of a song that reminded him of her. Heading to the kitchen once again, he watched her lift a spoon to her lips and make an appreciative sound; catching her off guard and turning her to face him, he noticed a smear of sauce on her lips and cleaned it with his tongue, feeling her melt in his arms.

Taking her to the living room between small kisses, he placed his arm on her waist, and the metal one held her hand in his. Giving her wrist a soft peck, he pulled her close and started to move them around the room in time with the music.

His chin rested on the top of her head, and his eyes shut close. Felling her warmth on his skin and her breathing on his chest, he allowed her scent to intoxicate his senses.

There was so much he wanted to tell her.

How much she made him happy. How it seemed she always knew what to do or say. That he would go over and beyond his limits just to see her smile, hear her laugh. The way her touch calmed him down and how he would happily drown in the darkness of her eyes.

She made him a better man. One that he never thought he would become.

Her hands circled his neck, and his rested on the small of her back. His chin touched her cheek, brushing her skin, he was sure it would turn red because of his stubble, but he couldn’t help needing to caress her. To let her know that he was there and wasn’t going anywhere. To let her know she was the one and only, the owner of his heart.

When he twirled her around the living room, her hand flew to her lips, trying to suppress her loud laugh. Little did she know he craved to hear that sound, lived for it even. Her happiness was his happiness, and he wouldn’t change it for anything.

His lips met hers in a quick kiss, and they fell in step again, moving around the place without a care in the world. That moment was theirs and theirs alone. Others could go and be heroes that night.

The song ended, and Bucky felt her tremble in his arms. When he looked down, she looked up, knocking her head on his chin, making both chuckle. A sweet sound, he hushed with a deep kiss.

Her fingers on his face bringing him closer to her, and the way she tilted her head to give him more space to explore the moment were examples of why he loved her so much.

Not content in just kissing her lips, he trailed his way down to her collarbone with his nose. Kissing the pulse point on her neck and giving her a loving bite on the shoulder. His hands searched for the small of her back again, but she tensed and dug her nails on his shoulders.

Puzzled by her action, he looked into her wide eyes. He understood what the problem was as soon as the smell of burned food reached his nose. They ran back to the kitchen, but it was too late. The food was ruined.

Lilly desperately tried to save the dinner while Bucky chuckled by her side. He stopped being amused when she looked at him with tears on her eyes. He knew she wanted the night to be special, but how couldn’t she know that the food was nothing compared to him having her in his arms? Being able to kiss her without worries and fears? To freely touch her without being afraid of rejection? He shook his head with a smile on his face and walked to the living room, coming back with the pizza place number on his hands. When she grimaced, he kissed her tears away.

After ordering a large pizza, he helped her to clean up, and they walked to the couch, where they plopped down in each other’s arms, waiting for dinner to arrive.

The tv screen was a blur in his vision because he observed _her_.

The way she made faces, the little sounds coming from her. How she laid comfortably on his lap with her head on his thighs and her hand on his knee while he placed his hand on her hip with his fingers making circles on the warm skin under the t-shirt.

When her hand reached up to caress his earlobe, and her fingers touched his cheek on their way down to his knee again, he smiled unabashedly.

The moment she turned her head to look at him and ask his opinion about something from the movie, but not knowing what to say he nodded, wishing it was the right answer because, in truth, the movie was the last thing in his mind, she had all of his attention. She laughed at him, and he knew it wasn’t the right answer, but he didn’t care because she leaned on his thigh with one hand, and the other touched his nape, her fingers on his hair, bringing him down for a kiss.

Or the way she jumped from the couch running to the door when the doorbell rang, to bring the pizza over and eat it with her bare hands, completely forgetting about the table, making a mess and smearing her face and clothes when one slice fell on her lap.

But especially the way _she_ watched him when she thought he wasn’t looking. Those bewitching midnight black eyes studying his features, the smile tugging the corner of her mouth, or even that subtle sigh escaping her parted lips.

He observed her, and he _noticed_ it all.

He also noticed the soft touch of her fingers on his face when she turned him to look into his eyes.

The way she kissed him and how her lips felt like feathers traveling over her skin.

Her fingers undressing him. The kindness in her eyes when she observed his naked body.

And mostly the slow and sensual way she made love to him.

If, for some reason, there was still a hint of doubt that he loved her, all his worries were gone when she said a single word.

“James.”

And his last thought before falling asleep while running his fingers softly over her hair was that he wouldn’t have any problems getting used to that life, because if he were to describe in one word their _first_ day living together in _their_ small apartment, it would be “perfect”.

Had he known his life would completely change, it wouldn’t have taken Lillian weeks to convince him that moving in together was the right decision.

The only way forward for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the song mentioned.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KN6Mi2j4zs


	18. Talk to me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although they had made a deal, Bucky still thinks he should protect her, and this time from himself.

The party was in full swing when they got there. Admittedly, it took a long time for Bucky to get ready because he did not want to be there. He’d rather be home watching movies with Lilly than being surrounded by people he didn’t know. If he could ask for one thing, it would be for peace and quiet.

It didn’t matter though; Tony and Steve had arranged the party so The Avengers could meet with some important people from the government. Making it clear they weren’t going anywhere.

Shaking the thoughts away, he looked around, searching for the only thing that could bring some peace to his mind. There she was, as beautiful as ever. Instead of a dress, she had opted for a white skirt and blouse with teasing red lipstick. Her loose hair inviting him to caress its strands. She talked with everyone with a contagious bright smile on her face, making him desperate to kiss those lips and show the guests she was with him.

A low murmur caught his attention, and he begrudgingly took his eyes off her and stared at the owner of the rude words. Two people had recognized him and were arguing if he should be there or in jail.

Squinting his eyes at the people, he decided not to engage with them and walked away, looking for a quiet place where he could try to enjoy the night.

Heading to the balcony, he leaned on the handrail and appreciated the cool night air. His fingers ran over his hair and once again tried to adjust the tie. Why the hell did he have to wear it? He closed his eyes before he gave in and ripped the thing off.

A chuckle got his attention, and he turned around to see her watching him. A grin playing on her lips.

“Come here". She beckoned him resting her glass on the table.

“I hate it.” He flicked the tie. “Can we go home now?” he pleaded, looking into her eyes. “I haven’t seen you since we arrived.” She noticed the sadness in his voice.

Tilting her head, she reached for him and caressed his face. Her fingers on his skin a memory of how much he needed her.

“Just a few more hours.” Her hands adjusted his tie and stopped on his chest. Her fingers running up and down the fabric. “Then we can go home, take these clothes off and do whatever you want.” She winked at him with a small curve on her lips.

“How about a few more minutes here, and then we go home, settle down, watch a movie, and then…” His hands found her waist and brought her close to him. His lips on her jaw. “Then I will show you why we shouldn’t have come at all.” He kissed her, a low growl escaping him.

She leaned on him, letting him take the lead on the kiss and just enjoying the intimate stolen moment. Her arms encircling his neck, bringing him close and deepening the kiss. When he parted from her and rested his forehead on hers, he heard a longing sigh coming from her.

“I really wish we could go now, but there are still some people I need to talk to.” She planted small kisses all over his face. “Mingle a little. It will do you some good.” She walked away.

With a grunt, he returned to the balcony’s handrail and watched the stars.

* * *

Lilly returned to the party, but her heart stayed back with Bucky. All she wanted was to stay there with him.

Walking to Steve, she watched the leader nod to whatever it was Fury was saying while Tony crossed his arm and rolled his eyes. Approaching the trio, she engaged in conversation until she saw out of the corner of her eye Bucky returning to the party.

Minutes passed, and she found herself time and time again sliding her eyes to Bucky, who looked miserable. He talked to a man and a woman, and his expression, to the ones who knew him, showed how much he would rather disappear from that place. His face suddenly fell, and his eyes sought the ground. He nodded to the pair, and Lilly noticed how his shoulders slumped.

Excusing herself from the conversation, she walked to Bucky, but as soon as the man raised his eyes to look at her, she saw something change in his features. A shadow crossed his face forcing him to avert her gaze, walking away from her. Curious to what made him avoid her, she quickened her pace to be by his side.

Touching his shoulder and running her fingers down his arm to intertwine their fingers, she felt him tense under her touch and turn her body to face her, avoiding her touch altogether. Frowning, she raised her eyebrow in a silent question. One that he avoided answering by grabbing a glass from the nearby table and downing its content.

“Bucky?…” She tried to ask him, but a general interrupted them by touching her small back and introducing himself. They talked for a bit until Bucky was called somewhere else, leaving her alone with the man, and her mind filled with worries.

Determined not to let him escape her, she chased him around the place. Subtly mingling with people until she was near him enough, only to have him slip between her fingers. They played a game of cat and mouse until she was fed up with it and strode to him, interrupting the conversation he was having with Steve and Clint.

Her fingers closed around his arm, and she felt his muscles stiffening. Not caring about how people looked at them, she dragged him to the balcony to have a private conversation once again.

Closing the glass door behind her, she turned to a Bucky who still avoided her gaze, standing still with his hands shoved in his pocket, looking down to the cars coming and going down below.

When her hand landed on his shoulder, he flinched and she huffed, tired of his weird behavior.

“Bucky?” She allowed him some time to gather his thoughts. When his answer didn’t come, she continued. “Is everything alright?” She stood in front of him. Her fingers caressing his cheek and her eyes staring at his.

“I just…” She watched him run his metal fingers through his hair. Cursing lowly in Romanian. “Let’s come back to the party, okay?” He grabbed her hands and gave her wrist a soft kiss. His eyes betraying him.

“James…” She saw his eyes close, and a sigh escaped him.

“Lilly,…” he looked at her, “I’m just tired, okay? Let’s go back inside so we can leave this place soon.” His thumb caressed her cheek.

Nodding, she reached for his hand, but he swiftly turned his back to her and strode inside. Her fingers hovering the cold night air, missing the warm touch of his skin.

For the next two hours, she saw Bucky avoiding her in every way she could imagine. As soon as she tried to near him, he busied himself with something or someone else. Tired of his ridiculous behavior, she took her purse from the table and headed to the door.

She grabbed the doorknob as if it had insulted her, and not even Natasha could keep her in that place for another minute. She pressed the elevator button with way more force than necessary and cursed loudly when it took more than a second to reach the floor.

As soon as the doors opened, she saw Bucky walking in her direction. Her finger was on the first-floor button before her whole body was inside the small place. When the doors started to close, she sighed, and tears threatened to roll down her enraged face. But when his metal fingers stopped the doors from isolating her from the world, she squared her shoulders and lifted her head.

She watched him come inside without looking at her, keeping his eyes to the floor. The silence around them overwhelming. One, two, three floors down, and not a word escaped their lips. Her nails digging her palms and her teeth grazing her lower lip. She looked at him, and his hair hid his face. His hands into his pockets.

Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot on the floor, waiting for something, anything from him.

His eyes slowly raised to hers, and he lifted his hand to touch her, but she took a step back. He then decided to run his fingers over his hair, ignoring her once again.

The elevator doors opened, and a couple stared at them, but Lilly glared at them, and they walked away. Pressing the close doors button, she turned to him, and before even realizing words started blurting out of her mouth.

“You have nothing to say?” She waited for him to look at her. “What’s happening? Why were you avoiding me?” When he remained silent, she yelled at him. “Say something, dammit!”

The doors opened once again. The building reception came into view, and outside she could see the wind shaking the tree leaves.

His lips parted, and his words confused her.

“I didn’t want them to know you’re with me…” His voice low in an almost whisper.

“What?” Her hands dropped by her side. Her heart ached and broke. “Why?”

“I don’t want to put you in danger…” He sighed loudly and looked at her. “Some of them were talking about putting me on trial…” He looked down at his metal fingers. Opening and closing his hand. “Send me away.”

His face contorted in hidden pain, and Lilly could see how much he was trying to hide it from her.

“James…” She took his hand in hers, resting it between them hen she embraced him. “Look at me.” She tilted his head to look into his eyes. “I don’t give a flying fuck to who they are. All I know is that if they try to take you from me, they will regret it for the rest of their lives.” She stood on her toes to kiss his forehead.

“Lillian,…” he caressed her face with his nose, “I just want you to be safe and happy…”

Gosh! When would he understand that he was her happiness? That she felt safest in his arms? How could she make him understand that she didn’t need protection, especially not from him? Bucky could be many things, but he would never be a danger to her. He would never be less than the man she chose for her. The one and only man she loved.

“Then talk to me!” She took a step back. Her body screaming to have his warmth back. “Don’t go and make decisions for the both of us.” Her tone angry at first, just to subside to a plea when her hands splayed on his chest. “This is not a movie or a book where things miraculously fall perfectly into place. This is reality, and it, especially our reality, can change in a blink of an eye.” She cupped his face. “You need to talk to me. To let me know what you’re thinking and feeling. We made a deal, remember?” He nodded. “it’s you and me against the world. If we are going down, we are going down together, okay?”

Her eyes roamed his face looking for agreement, but it came in the form of a kiss.

His lips captured hers, and his hands held her close. No space between them. Nothing to keep them apart.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered in her mouth, refusing to stop kissing her. “I’m sorry, Lilly.”

“It’s okay.” She kissed the tip of his nose. “Just talk to me next time.” He sighed agreeing, and she kissed him again.

The ring of the doors opening interrupted their moment, and when they looked to see who was coming in, they saw two generals and Fury staring at them. Caught up in the moment, they didn’t notice the elevator moving and ended on the party floor once again.

Her annoyance for being interrupted was replaced by surprise when she heard Bucky saying that the elevator was full and reach for the close doors button, to soon after bring her body close to his and kiss her one more time.


	19. Chances.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is terrified. What are the chances that she will accept him completely?

Feeling that he had disappointed Lilly far too many times already, Bucky decided it was high time he spared some time for themselves. He wanted to surprise her. Let her know exactly what she meant to him and how far he would go to make sure she was happy. To have her smile be the first and last thing that he saw every day.

Lillian was away on a mission while he remained in their shared apartment. Sitting in the living room, he found himself struggling with her laptop. He was, finally, used to the internet and knew one or two ways of accessing what he wanted, but because he lived in the compound and had Friday do most of his researches, he couldn’t help but be a little overwhelmed with the amount of information on the screen.

A couple of hours passed until he found what he was looking for, and with a smile on his face, booked the cozy place confident that she would love it. Turning it off, he left the apartment to do some shopping before she arrived the next day.

The stores were crowded, and every time Bucky entered one, the women craned their necks to look at him. Despite his extreme discomfort, he wanted to surprise Lilly, and so he endured their stares. One of the saleswomen took pity on him and decided to help, and less than one hour later, he left with a new dress and a hat wrapped in a beautiful box he carried with the utmost care.

Placing it carefully on the backseat of the car, he headed to the supermarket, where he bought the necessary amount of food for their trip. Things needed to be perfect, and he didn’t want her to worry about anything. A few hours later and a couple of hundred dollars shorter, he left with way more things than they would eat, but better safe than sorry.

His last stop was the most important, and one he had been waiting to make for the last month or so.

As soon as he opened the glass door, the cold conditioned air greeted him. The man he had been doing business raised his head to look at him, and when their eyes met, the man flashed him a bright smile and rushed inside the store, coming back with his order in hand.

Analyzing every small detail and deeming it worth, he paid the man and left with his heart in his hand.

It was one of the longest nights of his life. He barely closed his eyes, his mind drifting to the box in the living room. The clock struck five, and not being able to stay one more minute in that cold and lonely bed, he stood up and got ready for the day ahead.

Breakfast was ready, and the table set. There was the smell of home in the air, but some restless energy made its presence known as well. Bucky washed the dishes while he waited for her to arrive.

The door opened, and he dried his hands, coming quickly into the living room to greet her. The smile she gave him was worth all the wait, but the kiss they shared was better than _everything_. He took her things and put them way in their bedroom, coming back to find her already digging the food in.

Shaking his head, he grabbed her by the waist and placed her in his lap. In comfortable silence, they shared the meal between kisses and laughs. When the food was finished, he threw her over his shoulder and walked to the bedroom, placing her down on the bed and retrieving the gift from the closet.

He watched her eagerly opening the box. Her fingers tearing the purple paper apart. He smiled when her eyebrows shot up in puzzlement. Her eyes sought his while she took the dress out and walked to the mirror, trying it over her clothes. He finished the look placing the hat on her head and resting his chin on her shoulder, whispering on her ear they were going on vacation.

She squealed and hopped around, placing kisses on his face and thanking him a million times. He only hoped he had done everything right, despite his mind telling him that it was the perfect time. There was no more need for worries and doubts.

Night came, and he lay in bed, watching her breathing slowly. She looked so peaceful, and he could swear he would never tire of seeing her like that. His fingers ghosted her cheek, tucking the stray hair away. A quick kiss on her forehead before he wrapped his arm around her, listening to her sing his favorite lullaby.

They were on the road for over three hours and still had two more ahead of them. Not that Bucky minded being alone with her, well, he didn’t mind it at all.

She was responsible for the music and snacks while he drove through unknown places he had never thought he would see. There were moments of silence and laughter, when she took a nap and they talked about everything and nothing at all. The moment he loved the most, though, was when she found her favorite song on the radio and started singing.

Her singing was far from being good, but she smiled and even laughed when she forgot the lyrics. With her hand, she mimicked a microphone and placed on his lips for him to sing, and when she noticed he didn’t know the song, she went on a long speech about the band and how many times she had fallen asleep listening to their songs. Imagining a life with one of the musicians.

They were crossing a small village, and she made him stop so she could see the flowers blooming. With a camera in hands, she dragged him around, taking selfies to no end. At lunchtime, they headed to the only restaurant around and ate the most delicious burgers they had ever eaten.

Hours later and a sleeping Lilly on the passenger seat, he parked on the small cottage. His hands gripped the steering wheel, and he leaned forward, resting his chin on the leather. As soon as he opened the window, the smell of flowers stormed the inside of the car. His neck immediately snapped to her closed eyes. The instincts that once led him to kill and survive, at that moment, demanded that he woke her up with small gentle kisses.

Slowly her eyes opened. Her arms went up over her head, and a yawn escaped her lips. He watched fascinated her body moving.

Cleaning the sleep off her eyes, she focused on the view ahead of her, and he heard a quiet gasp. Her hands fumbled to open the door, and exiting the car, she stood still. Her face a mix of emotions going from shocked to mesmerized.

Bucky laughed freely when she went up the little pebbled road leading to the cottage’s door. The tips of her fingers touching the top of the many flowers adorning the place. He watched her walking away from him with the sunset framing her like an oil painting. His eyes never leaving her, his brain still struggling to understand that she was his to touch and kiss.

He carried their things inside, intending to organize everything before putting his feet up and forgetting about the world outside that haven, but she had other ideas and brought him close to her warm body sitting on the couch, where they cuddled and drank hot chocolate all day.

The next day, while Lilly cooked breakfast, he went to the nearby lake and arranged a small place where they could eat under the shades of the trees, surrounded by the colorful spring flowers. He closed his eyes when the breeze caressed his skin and prayed that she would accept his heart as her own.

The food was eaten, and Lilly decided it was time to go for a dive, resting her book on Bucky’s chest and standing up to get off her gifted dress and hat. With a glance down to the book’s cover, he chuckled at her, who stuck her tongue out at him.

Bucky watched her shield her eyes from the morning sun. She started to unzip the dress, but midway down, she had trouble, and he stepped in to help.

His fingertips trailed every part of smooth skin on her back that the white bikini didn’t cover. His lips leaving small pecks on the scars on her shoulder blades. His arms holding her close to his chest, kissing her mouth a surrendering kiss. His thumb caressing the pulse point of her wrist.

He watched her swimming in the lake. His soul a pleading mess telling him to hurry up.

Feeling his heart drumming in his chest, he almost didn’t see her floating on the water, beckoning him in with her finger. Without a second thought, he found himself slipping out of his clothes and running towards her.

He cursed the cold water in a whisper. Pondering if it would be better to go in slow or just go for it, he heard her laughing and turned his head to meet her eyes. She slowly stood up, and Bucky saw water running down her naked chest. His pondering ended, and he didn’t feel the water enveloping his body at all.

The afternoon was spent between kisses and moans, vows and whispered sweet nothings in each other ears.

The sun began setting, so they headed to the cottage. Lillian walked ahead of Bucky, humming a song that brought happiness to his heart. Soothing his anxious mind.

As soon as they entered the place, he noticed her making a beeline to the gramophone. Leaning on the wooden door frame, he watched her choose one of the vinyl discs and start rocking her body to the music. Jazz filled the place, and he allowed the smile to spread across his face. His mind screaming at him, calling him a coward.

She sauntered to him and held his hand, pulling him to the center of the place. Her hands encircled his neck. Her fingers going up his nape to massage his head. Her chin on his shoulder. No space between them. Bucky smelled her scent, and suddenly his life made all sense. He was home. She was his home. He closed his eyes and let that realization sink in.

But, what if…?

What if he wasn’t her home? What if she still had second thoughts about him? What were the chances that someone like her would be with someone like him? What were the chances of someone like him, who had done unspeakable things, live in peace? Have his mind and soul soothed and in such bliss?

Bucky felt her stir in his embrace and kiss him the sweetest kiss. Her soft lips on his mouth. Her nose nuzzling his. Her breath on his skin.

He rested his lips on the top of her head and held her hand in his. Their body in an intimate dance. Their souls intertwined like he had always dreamed.

She kissed his jaw and left a trail of feather-light kisses down his neck. Whispering a plea for him to not leave her. One that he answered with a low “ _never_ ” in her ear.

The music was almost at the end. He could feel every muscle in his body tremble in anticipation. His heart almost exploding in his chest. His mind lost in his trouble reveries.

Bucky had been through some horrifying experiences. Things that no matter what he did, wouldn’t leave him alone. He had died and died again, just to be revived as a cold tool in an endless cycle of pain. Still, none of that terrified him more than the thought of her leaving him.

What if this was all an illusion, and when he opened his eyes, he would be back in that machine?

His lips quivered, and his mind called him a coward once again.

He had been The Winter Soldier; surely, he could handle this. The small thing he feared so much snickered at him.

With a loud sigh, he made his mind, his body slowly moving away from hers. His worried eyes stared into her confused ones.

Kissing her lips one more time and cupping her face with his metal hand, he smiled her one last smile and poured his heart for.

“You are the only place in this entire world I find peace. With whom I can be myself without fearing judgment or pity, Lilly. You complete my soul and seal the cracks of my heart. You are my only and forever home.” He noticed the softness in her eyes and cursed himself for being a fool. For not believing in her feelings for him. “Here in front of you…” He ran his shaking fingers through his hair. “I beg you, Lillian. Please, let me be your home.” He pulled his hope from his pocket and knelt in front of her. “Let me-” His words were lost in her kiss.

She threw her arms around him, and they both fell on the floor. His body between her legs and his mouth over hers.

“And here I worried you’d never ask.” She parted her lips from his and smiled. “I’m yours, James.”

“And I, yours.”

He sat on the floor with her on his lap. Carefully, he took the ring out of the small box and slid it on her finger, and while she admired his heart in her hand, he admired his soul on his lap.

The jazz playing in the room was the background of their promise. The soundtrack of their new life.


	20. Wait for me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their biggest battle has come, and wanting or not they have to go.  
> With everything almost over, Lillian still needs to fight one more thing before she is done.

Lillian watched Bucky sleeping soundly on her stomach. Her fingers running over his long hair and curling the strands around them to feel their softness against her skin.

Lilly was the happiest woman in the world. She had everything she never knew she wanted, no, that she needed.

The smile on her face stubbornly refusing to fade away, and not only because he loved her, but because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and she would make every minute count.

She would do anything to see him smile. She loved to hear his laughter, and it was such a difficult thing to make him laugh. The way his eyes crinkled, and his hair brushed his face. His hand on his chest, trying to control the contagious sounds escaping his delicious lips. Those were all she wanted to witness.

Bucky was a terrible cook. His food was always bland. She was sure if it were up to him, they would live on pizza. She didn’t mind, though. She loved to cook for and with him. Sharing the small space, telling jokes, or stories. They always had that need to touch. A light caress on the arm, a quick peck on the shoulder, a stolen kiss while the food got ready.

She loved sharing her days with him. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Hell, yeah.

His clothes, that generally were put away, somehow found their way into her drawers and any other surface in the house. Once, she found his t-shirt on the kitchen sink… She laughed, of course, but only after scolding him.

Did he have flaws? Yes, but who didn’t? The fact that he was there when she needed him was more than enough to cover for them.

When she woke up after a nasty nightmare, the time she spaced out and didn’t notice she had been crying. Or the day she had a panic attack and thought she would die… He was always there. He would always be there. Telling her to breath and focus on him. Soothing her with his hugs and kisses.

She had always dreaded coming back home. The feeling of emptiness and absolute loneness always finding their way into her heart and mind, but since he moved in with her, things had changed. Her life turned upside down. If before she didn’t want to go home… with him there, she simply never wanted to leave.

Lost in thought, she felt him moving. His eyes opened and scanned the place, his face softened when they landed on her. His hand caressed her cheek and pulled her close for a kiss. When his lips parted from hers, she heard three simple words that would change everything.

The sigh that he let out was filled with heaviness. His eyes looked at her, and she saw sadness in their depths. Her chest tightened, and her soul was filled with fear.

“ _They are coming._ ” His words playing over and over in her mind.

He stood up and headed to the door. She followed close to him. Suddenly too afraid to be alone.

The shadows started growing bigger. They looked at her with their bottomless eyes. Their rotten teeth displayed in wicked smiles framed in gnawed lips. Their bony fingers beckoning her closer.

Her attention was driven away when his fingers intertwined with hers, and his words laced her in hope.

“I’m here, Lilly.” She took a deep breath when he kissed her wrist. “And I’m not going anywhere without you.” His arms around her, making her feel safe. His nose caressing the skin on her shoulder, making her feel loved.

Their eyes turned to the cottage’s entrance. Steve walked in their direction, his eyes filled with regret.

“Good evening!” His nod was slow and deliberate. “I am really sorry for interrupting. I know I promised you two some-”

“Where is the fight?” Lilly felt Bucky’s fingers tightening their grasp around hers. Her heart crushed when his sorrowed voice reached her ears.

“It doesn’t matter.” She pulled him to her. Her hands cupping his face to rest her forehead on his chin. “We are not going.” She looked up into his eyes.

“Lilly.” His fingers on her skin was the last drop.

Standing in front of Bucky, she tried to shield him from the menace Steve brought with him.

“You can’t do this, Steve.” One step in his direction and the super-soldier lowered his eyes. “Not now, please!” she pleaded with a quavering voice. When Bucky’s arms enveloped her body, his warmth crushed her heart. “Steve, please…”

The man raised his head, and she saw tears in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry…”

Lillian turned to Bucky, and her tears rolled down her face. Her lips trembled, and she couldn’t speak.

Her tongue was tied, and unable to utter a sound, she punched his shoulder. Her head shook in silent no’s. Her fingers curled around his t-shirt.

“Lilly,” he tucked her hair behind her ears. His thumb on her lower lip, “it’s okay.” She wanted to scream when he kissed her. “I promise you everything will be okay.”

Her tears blurred her vision, and she barely saw his silhouette. Throwing her arms around his neck, she pulled him close and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“If anything happens to him, Steve.”

“I know.”

Five minutes later, she was looking over her shoulder to steal a glance at the future she had to put on hold.

She twisted and twirled the ring on her finger. Her eyes kept stealing glances at Bucky, who smiled back at her at each and every opportunity, and she, sure as hell, committed every line of his face, every detail of his smile to her memory.

Steve explained to the team what was happening and what everyone needed to do. By the third time he asked her to tell him what he had just said, she not only told him what he wanted to hear but also reminded him that she had earned her place among them. Steve fell silent after that.

The quinjet approached their mark, and Lillian’s instinct screamed at her. When they breached the country’s frontier, and it finally came into view, she allowed her eyes to roam the treetops and buildings in pure awe.

“Welcome to Wakanda.” Bucky’s voice silk on her ears. His arms around her waist.

They landed in an open area. And soon, the team started to walk away to take their positions.

Bucky pulled her near, kissing her deeply. His voice quivering when he finally broke the silence between them.

“Wait for me.”

“Always.”

Lillian watched his back becoming one with the horizon. His frame walking away to take its place beside Steve. With a last hopeful breath, she turned and walked in the opposite direction.

She hated to be away from him. Not being able to have his back, to be there when he needed her. He was a super-soldier just like Steve was, and it was a silly thing to think he couldn’t defend himself.

Then why did she have this feeling in the pit of her stomach?

Her hands closed into a ball, and she drew blood from her lower lip. He said he would always be with her. He asked her to wait for him. All she needed was faith, faith in him. He had never lied or deceived her… so far.

Shaking her head, she dismissed the damned thoughts away. Focusing on the woman beside her, she got ready for what was to come.

* * *

“Friday,” Bucky’s finger touched the earpiece. He walked slowly, with no hurry to reach his friend. He had one last thing to do before the end, “I need you to record a message for me, please.”

“At once, Mr. Barnes.”

“Steve,” he spoke softly as soon as he reached his friend, “I need you to do a favor for me, okay?”

T'Challa gave the order, and it all began.

* * *

Wanda was on the ground. Nat and Okoye fought Proxima Midnight face to face while Lillian stayed back to help the Witch. Once she was up, Lilly drew her weapons once again and joined the fight.

It was brutal. People running, fighting, dying. She moved across the battlefield, helping where she was needed. There was so much blood. Too much happening at the same time when suddenly it all just stopped.

She looked to her right, and not even in her wildest nightmares, she would have been able to imagine what was happening.

Without batting an eye, she started to run.

“Bucky!” she yelled on the earpiece. “Bucky, please, please, don’t do this to me.” She almost tripped and cursed loudly. “It’s not funny.” She could see Steve a few meters away. “Answer me right now!” she yelled at the top of her lungs when more and more people started disappearing around her. “Fuck…” Her soul so small, she could feel the cracks spreading. Crushing the hope away. Giving place to the smiling shadows.

Her feet dug the ground, and she kept focus in front of her. All around, people were screaming and crying. Mourning their losses.

No. That wasn’t going to happen to her. He had promised… he had promised.

Her fingers reached the ring; her hand touched her cheeks. The tears rolled down. Mocking, offending, laughing at her.

 _“Such a fool.”_ The shadows whispered in her ear. “ _Did you really think you could be happy?”_ She heard their laughter. “ _Did you really think anyone cared about you?”_

There was a cold, cold shiver down her spine. She was almost there. A few more steps and she would be able to embrace him, smell him, kiss him.

“ _No one wants to be with you, little one.”_ Their numbing fingers making their way to her heart. “ _Did he try to stay out of this? Did he try to stay away? Did he even try to stay with you?”_ Her heart stopped when Steve looked up to meet her eyes. His silent apology saying it all.

“ _We’ve warned you, little one. We told you you were an animal no one would want. We called out to you, and we waited. You tried to fight us…. But here we are once again.”_

Her knees hit the hard ground. A thin layer of dust swirled in the air. She punched, screamed, and cursed.

“ _We never lied to you. You don’t need to suffer anymore. We can end this. Just let us.”_

She cursed the day she let him in. She cursed the minute she fell for him. The second she gave him her soul. She cursed him to hell.

“ _Only us. We are the only ones who love you…”_

“No,” she answered them in a whisper. “Shut up.” She grasped her ears, trying to shut them.

“ _Oh… You still hope? Do you think he will walk out of the bushes and kiss your pain away?”_ Their laughter beating in the rhythm of her dying heart. “ _LISTEN TO US!”_

Lilly’s head snapped back. Her throat hurt when her scream finally escaped. The few birds who dared watch her struggle flew into the bright blue sky.

Someone hugged her, but their touch burned like hell. She fought to get free of the embrace and finally got rid of the person. Turning around, her eyes met Steve’s. She saw his lips moving, but his words never reached her.

She pushed him. She punched him. She cursed him.

Deep down, she knew it wasn’t his fault, but he stole their last moments together. She could have been with him until the end. She could have been the last thing he saw, the last thing he kissed.

She punched him until she had nothing left, and Steve was able to finally mourn with her.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair. “I should have… I… I…”

“Don’t.” Her voice loud and clear. “Don’t you dare!” she shouted at him.

“He was my friend, Lillian!” It was his turn to yell.

“Then what the fuck are you doing?” Her gaze hard. “He told me to wait,…” her voice cracked, “to wait for him.” She buried her head on Steve’s chest. Deep inside her mind, the shadows stirred. Laughing, singing a most familiar mocking tune. “And so I’ll wait.”

“Lilly, please…”

“I will wait until the end of times if I need.” Her breathing erratic and her mind set. “Don’t you ever talk to me again. Don’t you dare get close, Steve. I will kill you, do you understand?” Her hands grabbing his uniform. When he nodded, she let him go and stood up.

Her heavy steps taking her away. Her shadows the only company from now on.

Two weeks passed since the snap, and Lillian sat on the edge of the lake. Her fingers sending ripples on the calm water. Her thoughts a whirlwind of darkness.

A shadow crossed over the lake, and she looked up into the sky. Shielding her eyes from the blazing sun, she decided to eat something and stop her stomach from complaining about the lack of food.

Standing up, she had to lean on a rock; otherwise, she would pass out. She couldn’t remember when the last time she had eaten was. She made her way back to the cottage. One that she gave up everything for. She took all the money she had saved, she sold her parents’ company, she asked Tony one last favor, and she bought the last place she had been happy. The last place she had been with him.

She walked up the pebbled road. The flowers still decorated the place, and she allowed her fingers to touch the top of them. Their smell filling her nostrils with what one day she called amusement, but now was nothing more than sadness… a handful of what could have been’s.

Her trembling hands opened the door, and her eyes immediately feel on the gramophone, a silent melody played around. The jazzy notes too much for her to handle, so there, on the front door, she laid and finally gave in to the shadows. Her fingers caressed the ring, her eyes closed to a final view of their stolen future.

* * *

Lillian kept going not because she wanted to, but because she promised she would wait for him. Minutes became hours. Hours became days. Days became a blur.

The garden around the house a proud testament that whoever lived there was filled with kindness, but long before the winter came, the flowers withered away. The fireplace was filled with ambers struggling to keep the place lit until they, too, were gone. The house was shrouded in the harsh winter darkness.

Lillian sat on the cold floor with her back leaning on the sofa. The only warmth in the place came from the lonely tear on her face.

She was tired and powerless to wait. Every day her strength faded a little at a time. She tried and tried to hang onto the small flame in her heart. She tried to cling to her promise. But the shadows…

The shadows were patient and calculating. Never speaking, only whispering. Murmuring things she couldn’t understand. Appearing in a simple blink. Hiding in the corner of her eyes. Making her question how much sane she still was.

Not really trying to muffle their evil laughter.

Long ago, she gave up leaving the place. She never went to the city for supplies until one day, they started to show up at her doorstep. Just like magic. Out of thin air.

She knew that all she had to do was to stand up and open the door, and once again, they would be there. Every little thing she might have needed.

Her body was so heavy that she slipped and lay on the floor. The blanket barely covering her at all. Her fingers trying to reach his heart in her hand.

From behind the cabinet, out of the shadows, she saw him walk to her.

“ _Ready, little one_?” It had his features, his voice, but not his smile. Not that it was different; it was just the coldness in it. The way he stared down at her. “ _Go on.”_ He flashed her another one of his beautiful smiles. “ _Just grab my hand. We will be happy again. I promise you.”_ He neared his hand to her.

“Really?” Her voice a whisper. Her words rasping her parched lips on their way out.

“ _Have I ever lied to you?”_ He tilted his head. “ _Have I ever broken a promise_?” There it was again, his beautiful smile.

She struggled to raise her hand. Her fingers touched his cold ones, and suddenly his smile grew. There was no space for his many teeth.

“ _Yes!_ ” Was the last thing she heard before her eyes shut close.

There was a noise in the distance. A rumbling getting close. Hushing his _no’s_ away.

A bang and someone calling her name. Her head was about to split open, and the door was kicked down. Footsteps around the house. Walking up the first steps upstairs. A familiar voice calling her name again. The footsteps walked away, disappearing into the kitchen.

The switch was turned on, and the room was bathed in light. A gasp reached her ears, and she barely felt fingers curling around her arms.

She was being carried, that was all she could understand. To where? Only the other person knew.

A glass was shoved on her lips, and when water touched her tongue, her mouth greedily swallowed the liquid.

Two voices shouted at each other, but as much as her brain tried to make sense of their owners, she passed out.

She didn’t know how long she slept, but she woke up sore as hell. Her mouth was dry, and her head was exploding. There was a machine on her left side. Needles stuck in her arms, and bags were hanging nearby.

With all the strength she could muster, she stood up and took the needles away. Covering her body with the silk robe and putting on the slippers, she headed downstairs, where an old jazz song played. A step at a time, she went down. Her body screaming at her to stop and go back to bed.

Coming downstairs, she saw a man sitting in the armchair. She tried to take one step forward but fell painfully on the floor. The man startled and turned around.

Steve’s eyes stared at her.

She wanted to be angry. To shout at him and send him away, but the smile he gave her was different, a very special one.

Allowing him to help her up, she thought he would lead her to the sofa, but they walked past it and into the kitchen.

Tony was talking animatedly to a little girl. Peter laughed with Natasha and Clint over the counter. Pepper prepared food in the small stove.

Steve coughed to get everyone’s attention, and six heads turned their way. Six smiles brightened the place until three voices reached her ears. The first one belonged to no one other than Thor, who laughed at something she could only guess. The second one was Bruce’s, who tried to explain something in all his seriousness, and the third one…

The third one made her run.

She struggled to put a foot in front of the other, but she made her way to the door. She was about to arrive at the wooden frame when a body collided with hers, almost sending her to the floor, but strong hands held her in place. And suddenly everything was still.

He was exactly how she remembered him to be, and before she could speak, he kissed her.

His arms circled her body, tightening the grasp around her. His fingers on her hair and his lips on hers.

Biting, pulling, soothing. Breathing life once again into her soul.

He parted the kiss way too soon, and the first thing his lips said to her was the only thing she never heard from him. Something she, herself, never dared to say.

“I love you.” His lips ghosted her wrist like he used to do. Sending the necessary force to restart her heart.

She couldn’t believe he was there. The wait had finally ended.

“I love you, too,” she said before kissing him again. “I waited for as long as I could…”

“I know. I know…” His fingers cleaned her tears away. “I’m here now. I'm not leaving anymore.”

“Are you sure?” There were doubts in her words.

“I’m a civilian now. No more fighting for me, unless it’s to fight for you.” His smile was contagious, and she smiled alongside him.

* * *

Bucky had Lillian in his arms. He had almost lost her for good. He couldn’t stop staring at her when she suddenly frowned and slapped his shoulder.

“What was that for?” he asked, confused.

“Stop dying on us, alright?!” She pulled him closer and whispered in his ear. “It was never funny, and it will never be.”

He tried to contain the laughter but failed miserably.

“Alright, ma’am.” He pulled her legs up and carried her to the kitchen. Seating her on a nearby chair so they could start eating.

And out of the corner of his eyes, he saw her look at Steve. A smile and a nod from her, and he could easily say he had never seen his friend so happy before.

Her laughter made him smile, and he knew it would take a while to make up for the lost time.

Coming back all alone back in Wakanda. Disoriented and confused. Not knowing what happened. He could remember once thing clearly, though. Her name was the first thing he said. Her face the first thing he remembered.

Bucky watched her twirl the ring around her finger, and their future together played right before his eyes. He would stay by her side.

Forever this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How are you?
> 
> The story itself ends here* and I REALLY hope you liked it but I will add an extra chapter with something special.
> 
> I would love to read your opinions on it so feel free to leave a comment!
> 
> Tight hugs from Brazil!
> 
> *I'm planning on continuing this fic when we finally have the TV Show on, so I guess I'll see you in 2021!


	21. Whatever happens.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky leaves a message for Lillian.

"Life is full of surprises.

"More than a few decades ago, I thought my life would go in a completely different direction. I would go to war, come back if I could, get married, and have a bunch of kids. Die in the most stupid of ways… probably in bed.

"But as I said, life is full of surprises. Some of them are bad, some terrible; some of them are good, and some of them are worth it all.

"You are Lillian, the most precious thing I have ever had. Every second I am allowed to spend by your side is a blessing I thank every day.

"You know who I was and what I did. You are living proof that my past will forever be with me. Still, you always choose me, even when _I_ don't.

"Thank you for letting me be part of your days. To witness you bloom like the delicate flower you are, after all, Lillian comes from lily… It represents the rejuvenation of the soul. It is purity, commitment… rebirth.

"My soul was broken, lost… damned to eternal suffering until you came and somehow saved me. You made your way between the many cracks in it and filled each and every one of them with life again. Mended them just by giving me a chance. Always with me.

"The way you look at me, the way you touch me, or the breathtaking kisses you give me. All of those revived me when I thought I would never… I could never be myself again.

"Time and time again, you continued by my side. Even when I tried to push you away, afraid I would hurt you again. Put you in harm's way just because you were… because you _are_ with me. Thank you for never giving up on me. On us.

"Thank you for showing me there's more in me than a soldier, a machine ready to obey orders. Thank you for opening my eyes and letting me see all the options I have, although now I can say that all of them lead me to you. _You_ and only _you_ are my home.

"I know that it may sound too much or even too cheesy, we still have many years ahead of us, and so many things can happen, but I don't care about none of it. I only care about you, us.

"The reality that I am able to wake up by the side of the person who means _everything_ to me is and will always be baffling to me. To reach out and let my fingertips run all along your skin, the curves of your warm body mold into mine. The softness of your lips rendering me helpless…

"There is just so much I want to show you, to _tell_ you…

"Everything that led me here, now. Walking into battle once again. The thought that this might be the last thing you hear from me… it makes me regret…

"It makes me regret that, even though I had you in my arms so many blessed times, I have never said the three most important words that keep playing inside my head. All I have to do is see you, think about you, and they immediately flash before my eyes. And it's not because I don't want to say them, or because I don't feel it inside me… it's just because I'm always waiting for the right moment, place, and time…

"I…I…

"No.

"I refuse to let it all end this way. When I see you again... I… I don't care what might be happening or where we are, or when it is, I will say them to you… they will be the first words you will hear from me. So I beg you, Lilly.

"As the man you saved, as the man you chose to be your husband… The man you chose to spend the rest of your life with, to start a family…

"Shit… kids? Have you thought about having them? I don't know, maybe a couple?! A boy and a girl?

"What about a dog? And a lovely house with a white picket fence? Laying in bed with the little angels… or devils if they have _your_ temper… it really doesn't matter because they will be _ours._

"I can't wait to hear you say 'yes' in front of everyone. To let them know you are mine and only mine. To make it official.

"Lillian Black Barnes… how does it sound? I like it… I _love_ it.

"Please, Lilly, please. Whatever happens today, whatever happens here…

"Wait for me."


End file.
